Partner keeps delaying moving in together after years of discussion

[relationshipsthing]

I am fairly close to forming an exit plan with my partner after 20 years. I don't so much want advice about how to do that, and only wish to share a small part of the situation (I hope that's ok!), but I would love to hear someone else's thoughts about a few details, specifically his behaviour about us moving into a new place together.

This man is early retired has good savings and pension. He is 10 yrs older than me and I had been looking after my now late dad during illness for about 4 years. I lived off my fairly high savings during that time, and obviously in dad's house where I didnt have to pay towards anything as dad wouldnt let me.

Plan was, after all this and my return to the workplace, partner and I were to live together. This was suggested to go ahead after my dad passed away and i was staying with a cousin's family until the big move. I have not had my own home is a while and was raring to go. However, it's been 2.5 years now and no further forward. I have been getting my head around this and coming to the conclusion the relationship is unstable.

During that time I have asked him to hurry up and decide what we are doing as my savings are depleting fast. He then suggests a time and date to go ahead and it never materialises. I am at his place most of hte time but very unhappy there. He also agrees and insists he wants to move. It has now devolved into a predictable pattern that doesn't bode well with me.
It goes like this:

Me "we are going to have to make firmer plans soon, my money is running down'
Him "i know i know, and yes, we well get onto that"
Me 'you dont often bring it up, are you sure you want to do this?"
Him " of course I do, and i do bring it up all the time"

Er no, he literally never brings it up.
He actually dislikes the area he is in and the house is far from perfect, but I have a suspicion that he is a long term bachelor at heart and is taking the piss at this point.

Convo will often go this way, a few weeks after last chat about moving:
Me "we are no further forward, I am not sure i can take this seriously"
Him "why not? Where do you think you'd like to live?"
Me "Why ask me that? Shouldnt the question be where should WE live?"
Him "yes of course that's what i meant"
Me "i am beginning to feel you are watching me lose money here, Im not feeling great"
Him "i know the situation is urgent so lets get the spare room sorted and packed"

This exact convo repeats every 3 weeks and he has basically, so far, moved a fucking bookshelf and thrown some old magazines away.

Why hold me on like this is no intent to go?
Is this normal hesitation? It is beginning to feel a bit too odd to me.

More details, one child at uni (my late husband passed away when she was 1.5), both rent via choice, i wanted to move to work in a new area, he is a in a now insecure lease, so you'd think he'd be happy to come with me and share bills!

You can't afford to wait for him to stop fannying around.
You've given him time to get on the same page. He's saying the words but he's not shifting.
Don't waste any more of your precious time and money waiting for him to snap to.
Sort out a job, a location, a house. And let him sort out his own life.
(Just had an awful thought. He's not actually waiting for you to do it all for the both of you, is he? Big red flag. Leave him where he is )

Stop waiting for him and start making the big moves for yourself on your own.

Either it will focus his mind and he'll follow you, or he'll let you go.

No point having the same conversation on a monthly basis, it's just wasting your time, energy and money. Move where you want to live, with or without him.

It's not happening, he's well settled as he is. Unless of course he's waiting for you to present him with the keys to the new place, after you have sorted it and packed up his house for him

Kindly, he is dragging his heels because I don't think he wants to join you in somewhere together. does he have older children who are telling him not to live with you/join finances/buy a home together? If he was genuine he would wouldn't he?
Get a place of your own and maybe find a new partner?

Wow! Spiteful.

You are waiting for him to make a decision. You need to take your power back.
YOU make a decision about the next steps. Move forward. Take steps. Do not include him. You’re allowing yourself to live in limbo. Stop.

I think at that age you get used to pleasing yourself , being independent and your own space
not everyone in a relationship has to live together

Make your own plans. If he objects then if he immediately takes action, ok. If not you know where you are

A partner of 20 years who isn’t eager to live with you isn’t much of a partner. He’s more of a habit.

You are both getting older.
From his point of view he's happy living on his own, especially as your family provided some money to make that happen.
He knows you are a caring person because you cared for your dad, so in a few years when he needs a carer he may suggest moving in together

If you want to wait around for that to happen you would be very foolish

Edit - deleted wrong post!

Always believe actions, not words.

You are not being impatient it’s already been more than 2 years!

I think you should move and sort out work without him there’s absolutely no momentum and it won’t change,

A man who sees a woman as a partner does not enjoy seeing her running out of money, but takes her in, marries her and gives her even more money

I don't think your partner is interested in moving or living with you. You'd be better off finding yourself work and somewhere to live on your own.

Takes her in??

@KilkennyCats Don't forget the "and gives her money" bit. Women are not possessions to be bought!
If my husband wanted to "take me in and give me money" then I wouldn't have married him in the first place.

She’s not a stray cat. OP has agency here. She can quite easily live a very nice life without this dithering man.

No he’s not keen to move with you . If he was he’d be doing everything to make it happen , especially as you’ve told him where you’re at.
Go and find a place for yourself, take your belongings and start to live your life again . He may decide to join you after you’ve done all of the leg work but by then you may well have worked out that you’re better off on your own .

You must be of an age to have had a twenty year relationship and be involved with someone who is retired, albeit 10 years older.
Is getting a job going to be that simple? It's pretty dire out there and you must be middle aged?
I would 100% be focusing on that and getting my own life together before worrying about this man who is dragging his feet and showing no real desire to get a place with you.
As others have said, his actions (or no action in this case!) tell you all you need to know.
Get yourself sorted first and then decide if your relationship is worth continuing

I don't think he is going to ever move. You are at a crossroads and only you can decide if you wish to continue on this path. Start looking for a job and a new home. It's his loss.

what exit plan do you need?

I think you might be better without him. Has he been supportive in your grief and while your dad was ill? Find a lovely home that’s just yours, decorate it in your favourite way, and try to get sorted with work. If he loves you he will follow.

You need clarity. He's already given you the okay to move in, so do it. Give him a date you will begin moving in. Pack up a bunch of clothes, a few boxes and move those in. His reaction, his response, will very quickly tell you what you need to know. Keep the initial load light enough for you to manage in case you have to move it out.

Moving some of your stuff in is the only way to get his real response. If he has none, unpack those few boxes and begin packing up whatever is in that room. Mark the boxes very clearly. Bring in another small load. Repeat. Stack those packed boxes in the living room if you have to. If he wants you moved in he'll just let you do it. If he doesn't, he will let you know. It's work, it's some money, but according to you, your bank account is dwindling. It doesn't read like you can wait.

What you do know with certainty is that he is not going to clear that space. You need to know if he won't do it because he doesn't really want you living there, or if he just can't mentally get to clearing the room. Not clearing the room doesn't necessarily mean he does not want you there.

There are all kinds of mental quirks that not cleaning out a room can come from. The only way for you to know if it's personal to you or a blip in his thinking is for you to actually start moving in and for his stuff to move into boxes.

You need to make your own plans now and stop waiting for him. Whether that ends the relationship or not. Find a place you love that suits YOU. He doesn't want to move in together and obviously feels unable to say so.