Partner keeps delaying moving in together after years of discussion

[relationshipsthing]

I am fairly close to forming an exit plan with my partner after 20 years. I don't so much want advice about how to do that, and only wish to share a small part of the situation (I hope that's ok!), but I would love to hear someone else's thoughts about a few details, specifically his behaviour about us moving into a new place together.

This man is early retired has good savings and pension. He is 10 yrs older than me and I had been looking after my now late dad during illness for about 4 years. I lived off my fairly high savings during that time, and obviously in dad's house where I didnt have to pay towards anything as dad wouldnt let me.

Plan was, after all this and my return to the workplace, partner and I were to live together. This was suggested to go ahead after my dad passed away and i was staying with a cousin's family until the big move. I have not had my own home is a while and was raring to go. However, it's been 2.5 years now and no further forward. I have been getting my head around this and coming to the conclusion the relationship is unstable.

During that time I have asked him to hurry up and decide what we are doing as my savings are depleting fast. He then suggests a time and date to go ahead and it never materialises. I am at his place most of hte time but very unhappy there. He also agrees and insists he wants to move. It has now devolved into a predictable pattern that doesn't bode well with me.
It goes like this:

Me "we are going to have to make firmer plans soon, my money is running down'
Him "i know i know, and yes, we well get onto that"
Me 'you dont often bring it up, are you sure you want to do this?"
Him " of course I do, and i do bring it up all the time"

Er no, he literally never brings it up.
He actually dislikes the area he is in and the house is far from perfect, but I have a suspicion that he is a long term bachelor at heart and is taking the piss at this point.

Convo will often go this way, a few weeks after last chat about moving:
Me "we are no further forward, I am not sure i can take this seriously"
Him "why not? Where do you think you'd like to live?"
Me "Why ask me that? Shouldnt the question be where should WE live?"
Him "yes of course that's what i meant"
Me "i am beginning to feel you are watching me lose money here, Im not feeling great"
Him "i know the situation is urgent so lets get the spare room sorted and packed"

This exact convo repeats every 3 weeks and he has basically, so far, moved a fucking bookshelf and thrown some old magazines away.

Why hold me on like this is no intent to go?
Is this normal hesitation? It is beginning to feel a bit too odd to me.

More details, one child at uni (my late husband passed away when she was 1.5), both rent via choice, i wanted to move to work in a new area, he is a in a now insecure lease, so you'd think he'd be happy to come with me and share bills!

Do it OP. I doubt he is planning to move in with you but if he does want to, he can come up with a plan.

Your family provided him with a house, but not you?
This is frankly unbelievable.

Do your thing. Maybe he’ll come along for the ride, maybe not. You need an income and preferably your own home to live in to get yourself onto a stable financial footing.

Time to move on OP. Apply for jobs in the area that suits you, then rent or buy.

Move somewhere really nice for yourself wherever YOU want to go. Now is the time. Don’t factor him in. Do it for yourself.

You are trying to push water uphill with this bloke. It’s exhausting. He clearly doesn’t want to do it, he’s humouring you, so let him sail his own ship.

Why are you waiting for him to restart your life? Just get yourself a job and find somewhere to live near it. If he joins you great, if not then he was never going to.

Not sure why you're blaming him for running down your savings when it doesn't even sound like you're looking for a job, they're not always that easy to find when you haven't had one for years. You need to sort yourself out and stop worrying so much about him.

Is living together a dealbreaker for you, OP? Have you ever lived together? Sorry, if you mentioned that in your post, but I couldn’t tell if that’s ever been the case.

I’m wondering if maybe he’s not keen on living together but doesn’t want to lose the relationship, so if he thinks/knows it’s a must for you, then potentially he’s delaying it and avoiding talking about his true feelings because he’s afraid of the outcome.

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I never want to live with a man ever again, and while I’m very happily single for now, there may be a time in the future where I could entertain another relationship, but living together is not something I’d want. Though, to be fair, I’d be very upfront about that with any future potential partners.

His actions speak louder than anything he has said, your wasting your life waiting for what is never going to happen, it sounds like you/your family helped him a lot but he's now showing his real feelings, he's happy with how things are, move on, live your life, find your own place and get a job, not only for the money, pension but also for your self worth

What was meant is that he's quite happy with his life at the moment. He can't see the point in moving.

Well he sure enjoyed the family money my parents splashed on him over the years. He only has that house because we sorted it.

More fool them. They would have done better sorting a house for you.

If you really want to move in together, I think that ship has sailed. If you want to stay in the dead end relationship then stop bringing it up. Find a place of your own and move on with your life.

Yes you absolutely should get back to “real” life with a job and your own place to live.

Waiting for him to stop dithering has already cost you 2 1/2 years of precious life. You are 2 1/2 years further out of the workplace, and have spent savings for that additional time, which will presumably impact your comfort later in life.

I mean this kindly but not having a focus and a path forward is probably also impacting how you grieve your DF and you don’t want to end up “stuck.”

Go build an amazing and fulfilling life for yourself and if he wants to come along for the ride he will have to make the effort!

Sorry OP but you need to be realistic. He’s never going to change what he has. There’s no reason to. You need to move on. I’m sorry no one is saying what you want to hear

You can’t keep yourself out of the workforce any longer. Make your own plans. Either find a job and stable housing where you live now or where you want to live.

You can reconsider cohabitation at a later date when there is no power imbalance.

OP, I think you need to take charge of your destiny here. Where do you want to live? Find out and do that. Don't wait for him a moment longer. If he still wants the relationship to continue when you have moved out, you can see how you feel about that but you deserve to live where you want. He sounds like he doesn't want to move and there might be a huge variety of reasons for that but you should follow your intuition. Don't wait a moment longer.

I think there is so much missing from
your posts that the replies you get are probably not going to be that helpful.

Yes, it doesn’t sound like he wants to live with you. You come across as jobless with no savings and want to move into his house because you’ve run out of money.

I’m sure the information that you are choosing not to share with us is something like you are an oil heiress and earn 75 billion times more than him so it’s not that at all. But we don’t know.

He's sitting pretty in his own home with his large pension, watching you spend your money and run yourself ragged??

You say he is retired and 10 years older than you. Having cared for your father recently do you really want to end up caring for this reluctant partner as he agee? If you inherited from your father, get yourself on the property ladder as a priority. If it's just you you only need sth small but that then becomes your financial security. Good luck. Don't waste any more time. He is comfy with the status quo even though you mentioned he had an insecure rental.

OP you should immediately look for a job and housing convenient to the job you find. Don't ask him about moving anymore. When necessary, let him know you are starting x job on y date. Then, let him know you are house hunting. If he complains you should be doing it together, say 'absolutely, let's start, I'd prefer that of course'. But don't drive it for him and do more than he does. Keep up your independent search and when you find something - buy/rent it immediately! Keep reassuring him you are prepared to move in together as soon as he is finished with his latest excuse he is ready. The only way this is going to move forward is if you don't wait for him. When you have the home you want, he could possibly move in with you at some point down the line. You need to be prepared to live alone though - either in a relationship with him or not.

You’ve been together 20 years and are in this situation.
I’d end it formally now . This is going nowhere.

Don't waste any more of your time with him. If he wanted to move in with you, he'd have done it by now. Talk is cheap - his actions speak louder 🤷‍♀️

This isn’t going to change any time soon. Decide what you want your life to look like and go for it. He’ll not change and he’s just future faking - pretending to agree when he won’t do anything about moving in together. I’ve been there and actions really do speak louder than words. I got out earlier as it would never change, you need to do the same.
The only reason he’d ever move in is if he needs a nurse with a purse. Don’t be that.

I don’t understand why you are waiting for him before getting a job? Just get one now so you’re not living on your savings

If you're reluctant to immediately break up, this is what I would do:
While you have shelter with your cousin, put all your energy into applying for jobs in your ideal location where you'd love to live.

While doing that, let him be the one to always initiate contact. If he wants the pleasure of your company to take you out for a meal, etc., accept if you want to, but no longer spend any time at his place. Give him a taste of what life is like without your regular presence. Tell him you're too busy applying for jobs and then inform him when you get one, you'll be searching for your own place.

Perhaps if you stop putting in so much effort, he will either let you fade away because he's been too cowardly to break up. Or, he will be alarmed at the change in your behavior and a fire will be lit under his butt to get the ball rolling.

Other than his reluctance to move in together, how does he make you feel special? Has he taken care of you when you've been sick? Does he make your life easier in any way? If he's done nothing in those areas, you've likely been settling.

You can’t be this picky about the responses you get here. You appear to be asking why a man with a promise to you, a house, a job, who has benefitted from your generosity over the years won’t return the favour by acting on the plan to move you in. How can we know? We can only go off what we know about generic men. Some people have experienced generic man to be lazy, selfish, and sex oriented. Others have experienced our husbands snd lovers to be honorable, straightforward, just, and devoted. Which is your man?