Online dating, not as bad as people say?

[SapphireCat]

I was just reading that India Reynolds (love island) has gone official with her partner, and apparently they met on Hinge.

It got me thinking about how online dating often seems to get a bad reputation. People are always saying the best way to meet someone is through hobbies, clubs, or in everyday life, but I do wonder how realistic that is for a lot of people.

If someone like India, (who is incredibly stunning) who you’d imagine has plenty of opportunities to meet people in real life, ended up finding her partner on a dating app, maybe online dating isn’t the “last resort” some people make it out to be.

I also wonder how often people actually meet partners organically these days. It feels like unless you’re exceptionally attractive, most women probably aren’t regularly being approached by men in everyday life, so relying on chance meetings might not be that realistic for the average person.

Have dating apps just become the main way people meet now, despite the criticism they often get? Interested to hear other people’s experiences.

I agree with you. Why bother going out with someone if you are not attracted to them, and attraction comes in the way of looks, smell, mannerisms, voice, attitude, lots of little things that can only be shown in person.

I would find it a complete waste of time at best, soul-destroying at worst, meeting people who at first sight did absolutely nothing for me....and never could.

Yes but if you met them organically then it's natural and affection grows, or not. There is no expectation or pressure.

The thing I don't like about online dating is that its so transactional. Picking people from a line up and then 'test driving' them. It sounds soul destroying.

I met my husband on tinder. We've now been together 10 years and have a child.

I actually enjoyed online dating. I think the key is not to expect every date to be your cup of tea. Some people will not be good company and it's a bad evening, and some will be fun but not what you're looking for. I went with the flow, and eventually my husband came along.

Edited to add, one reason online dating worked better for me is I prefer shy, thoughtful guys. They're unlikely to approach someone to ask them out in real life, so online was where to find them!

Also, I don't understand the criticism from some people that you can't know if you'll like someone from a photo, of course you can't, that's why you go on a date to find out. Just as if someone asks you out in real life, you won't know till you try.

Overall I'm a big fan of online dating. I even miss it now I'm married!

Of course there are success stories and I don't feel a shame in the idea of meeting on an app at all. I'd say it's a more common way to meet these days.

But, more people have negative experiences than positive. Even those who have positive experiences have usually had plenty of horrors beforehand but the fact that they have had a good resolution makes it feel worthwhile. When you are still in the midst of it, it's much less pleasant.

I've taken a break for a couple of months but have been online dating for 3 years.
I'm average looking, but funny, great conversation, and scrub up very well. 90% of people I have interacted with have been pretty horrific. I've met a few people but most have left as soon as it became physical and they'd got what they wanted. And these men have all been very different so there have rarely been clear "red flags".
I think it's easier if you just want fun, no commitment, no pressure, one offs. Then you can probably be very successful.

I mean that’s just people in general though isn’t it pp?

The men on online dating are the same men down your local boozer.

I'm interested to know what these clubs or hobby groups are where you can meet a potential date, and how many would you have to join to find anyone? Book clubs or Art classes used to be recommended but generally they only attracted women. I can understand at a gym or maybe a walking group but not sure what else.

I’m in a 6 year relationship that began on hinge. We barely spoke in the app and just used it to arrange a first date. So even though it’s OLD it basically had no existence online. We were just lucky to both be in the right mindset for a relationship (we just had a baby together too a few weeks ago). Hinge was meant to be for folk that wanted to delete the app, so there was that undercurrent helping.

I don’t see it as desperate or a last resort type thing at all.

My issue with it is you have to filter through tons of sex pests/weirdos/cocklodgers etc so that aspect doesn’t make it worth while for me.

@Freeflight “But, more people have negative experiences than positive. Even those who have positive experiences have usually had plenty of horrors beforehand but the fact that they have had a good resolution makes it feel worthwhile. When you are still in the midst of it, it's much less pleasant.”

very much agree with this. I didn’t have horrors maybe but I decided to treat it like a job, going on first dates and trying to be unemotional about it. But yeah I did fall hard for a guy that turns out had a gf in another country and dated nice enough guys that then had issues with sex due to porn addiction or whatever. It made me very decisive in cutting things off when I detected something bad as I knew time was a ticking for me if I wanted a family.

I met my current partner through work, however I work in a VERY male orientated industry so they're literally everywhere..

However, if we hadn't have met at work, I think online would have been the only other viable option as I can't see how or where I would have realistically met anyone - I don't do 'clubs and hobbies', don't go 'out' a lot (as in weekend bars/clubs etc.. because I'm 40+!!) and live in a relatively small community.

Two of my oldest and closest friends both met their now husbands online, and their only 'horror stories' are tame and comedic really. I'm sure there are plenty of scruffy perverts out there, but as PP have said, people only really regale their extreme experiences - nobody bothers to review perfectly adequate 'ok' stuff usually.. that being said in all honesty I don't relish the prospect of online dating either - I just don't think I could be bothered...

Is OLD quantifiable? Neg vs Pos. What's the success rate 1 in 100? And of course the most attractive will get more hits. I assume.
Hence all the exaggerating on height, weight, age, body shape and "what I'm looking for" etc.

I'll have a stab at it.

1% of the 1% potential matches

I think it’s just like any situation, most of my exes i met irl and they were mostly awful 😂

Most people I know met on dating apps. There's no shame in it. People are different as they date for longer rather than pick one straight away, which is fine 🙂
People look back on the good old days where you'd meet in night clubs but that was very hit and miss

But I imagine a good percent of the men at your local boozer wouldn't ask you out, or if they did you wouldn't be interested, based on what you have seen of them. You have had the chance to form an opinion not just based on a photo, which may or may not be a true likeness.

Well I mean you’ve sorta made my point. They won’t ask you out because men don’t tend to approach women anymore so it’s not unless you’re online dating they’ll see you as approachable.

And yes, you won’t necessarily get their true likeness on the internet but equally sometimes you will gleam MORE from what they say on there than in an initial meeting. A red flag written in black and white is harder to overlook for example.

Its swings and roundabouts.

Definitely swings and roundabouts, and it suits some for sure.

It surprises me that men don't approach women in person anymore. Maybe they are scared because some women may see what used to be a normal chat-up line as some sort of harassment.
At least online dating makes it clear that people are looking.

Or they are just lazy cowards who are using the me-to movement as an excuse for minimal effort. I don’t actually believe anyone who says they are scared to talk to a woman because they fear accusations. Because the only way that was causing them problems in the first place was if they genuinely were a harasser.

Ghastly.

Or totally unrealistic, like being contacted by men who live 400 miles away. I assume it's a way for people to try to move south to areas with more work. I'm not interested in being used.

If the average Mumsnet poster is the woman in the pub, I can very well imagine that some men would be scared.
In my day (I have been married a long time) it was easy to meet men if that's what was wanted, I think the internet has changed that nowadays.
Not sure if using ' Me-too' as an excuse, sheer laziness , or in fact fear, is the reason men prefer hiding behind their keyboard in order to pick and choose a girlfriend....all I know is I am glad I was young and single when the world was 'normal'.

I’m rather conflicted about this. My experience (London late 20s so not necessarily typical) is that almost everyone who is married or partnered up who did not meet their significant other at school or university has done so online.

Yet online can feel like shopping for humans in a discount bin. You swipe, you judge, you match, and then you realise they look nothing like their pics or they have the conversational skills of a goldfish. It’s efficient, sure, but it kills the romance. You go into the date knowing their height, their job, and their star sign before you've even said hello. There's no mystery, or discovery beyond the fibs.

Meeting "in the wild" is rare these days though, isn't it? Everyone is glued to their screens. I miss the concept of just hitting it off with someone at a hobby club, bookstore or a bar, if it ever happened, but I think my generation is too anxious to just approach people. We hide behind the swipes because rejection is easier when it’s digital. I feel like a dinosaur complaining about it, but I hate how transactional it all feels. "Here is my CV, please rate my face."

I met my DH on line. He was the third person I dated. The first was an absolute twat. The second was lovely and is someone I’m still friends with, but he wasn’t right for me. And the third was DH. I know just how lucky I was.

I think it’s fine to date online/personals but then I’ve been doing it since 1995. Am not exactly poster girl for it as I’m about to get married for the third time. Like a pp, nearly every couple I know either met at school, university or online, with a tiny sprinkling who met at work. I’ve literally never been asked on a date directly by a person face to face, and tbh that’s ok - I prefer having the choice to interact or not.

The only positive stories I've heard about OLD were from pre-Covid.

Pre and post Covid OLD are two different things.

Tbf I heard loads of people moaning about it before Covid