When husbands speak with contempt

[Marissa270]

Has anyone had their husbands say hurtful comments while their arguing or say things out of contempt? If so how to put a stop to it? My father didn’t agree with my marriage so he stopped talking to me once I got married. We were so close so that the thing that hurt me the most.

Whenever we argue my husband brings it up and sometimes even his family do. He will say well even your father doesn’t want to talk to you or even your father hates you. It’s been 13 years and it still kills me to hear as I would never abandon my children. I had a brief reconciliation with my father when me and my kids visited him for a holiday but after that he stopped talking to both me and my kids again saying he doesn’t want us in his lives (for no reason). My husband keeps bringing that up even though he knows how much it hurts as I’m his only daughter.

Your DH and his family are horrible people to throw that in your face (and it sounds like this isnt the only hurtful thing he says) and I wonder if your Dad sussed them right out and decided (wrongly IMO) to remove himself from having to see it play out.

All you need to say is "Because he didn't want me to marry you!" Ball straight back in his court. But if this happens frequently, I would start to question the decision you made at that time. Maybe something needs to change. And the only behaviour you can change is your own.

Maybe your dad had a point? It's pretty low to throw that in your face as he knows it scores.

Your dad was obviously right regarding your marriage! Your DH is supposed to love you unconditionally. Why would he say things that he knows would hurt you? I would divorce.

Thanks for the replies. My dad didn’t agree with the marriage as he himself is very wealthy and my husband isn’t. I thought that was a horrible reason and believed he was a good person so I married him regardless. Now I’m seeing a different side to him.

The confusion part is he always apologizes and says he loves me and didn’t mean it but surely if he loved me he wouldn’t want to hurt me.

Yes that’s what I say actually and then it escalates

That's what abusers do. Say something hurtful then say they love you and didn't mean it.

This is awful for you. In my opinion, you're being badly mistreated by your DH and your father, who should be a place of refuge for you. What can I say other than 'leave'? You deserve better.

It may be that your father was wrong to appose your marriage on the basis of income. But regardless, that doesn't change the fact that your husband is abusive and cruel. He might say he's sorry and that he loves you but if he repeats the behaviour, his actions speak louder than words. He is choosing to say nasty things to hurt you, don't be fooled into thinking he can't help it. Do you really want to stay in a relationship where your partner is unkind and hurtful? You don't deserve that.

Your DH is abusive , he’s manipulating you.
and your father by cutting you off , has no to supported you at all

That’s really awful and such a low blow. I’d just say “yes and that’s 100% on him and not me” each time and maybe “why are you telling me things I already know” or just state that he’s saying that to hurt you and that is abuse.

Tbh it’d be a dealbreaker for me just as much as name calling or telling me to fuck off would be (if repeated). I think id have one sit down talk about how it must never ever happen again and that if it does you will walk away and really mean it then do that.

It’s no good apologising and saying he didn’t mean it if it wasn’t a one off.
he sounds awful.

So your dad cut you out becuase he beieved your h was a gold digger and a bad person? and now your H is being proven to be a bad person.

I don't agree with your father's behaviour, but it seems to me that he was right.

And surely, if he says that about your father, your answer should be, "let's not forget he only cut me off beause he thinks you're not a good person."

How do finances work?

Please don't stay in this relationship due to embarassment or fear of failure and your dad coming to you gloating and saying "I told you so".

Don't make that a reason to tolerate abuse from your husband.

Your husband sounds abusive and nasty tbh. Are you working and in a position to leave him?

Was your father abusive when you were growing up? Sometimes that can lead to a person choosing an abusive partner.

It sounds like your dad was right about him, he hasn’t gone about it in the right way but your husband and his family sound bloody awful. Did your dad know the family before you got together?

You don’t have to stay with someone who treats you with contempt - you have choices and there is lots of support on here.

what do you want?

Correct. The apology doesn’t make up for the fact that he has contempt and dislike for you as evidenced by tbeir continually insulting you snd hurting you for fin and then formulaically apologizing to keep you on side.

This is not love, it is treating you as prey to be toyed with. Obviously they are disappointed that your wealthy father cut you off as they expected to benefit from the marriage.

Your husband is abusive. Sorry you are in this situation

I think he’s trying to hurt you on purpose as he knows how hurt you are from the situation with your dad. So sorry that’s not right at all.

Yes exactly that my father believed he was after money so he withdrew. He was such a great person before it’s only suddenly he’s turned on me and I don’t know why

Do you mean it's only suddenly that your DH has turned on you or your father. I assumed your father stopped talking to you when you got married 13 years ago. Anyway, your husband is a vile piece of work to put it politely. Do you think he's met someone else?

If i read one more post saying “ looks like your father was right “ !!!
Your Father is an absolute PRICK, & I’m afraid to say so is your husband OP 😞.
How could your father turn his back on you like that , & on his grandchildren .
What a cold hearted man he is , & what a cruel fucker your husband is ..
Will you leave your husband you think OP ?
Easier said than done I know that myself .
What’s the story with house/ Finance’s?
It’s just you say you got married 13 years ago , you’d wonder what will it be like in another 10 years .
I just know from experience these things normally get worse , when lines are crossed like the way your husband is speaking to you now , well it’s a pretty good indicator of what’s to come .
And believe me it gets fucking shitty .
I left 11 years ago .

Your husband is a fundamentally bad person. He chooses to taunt and abuse you. You don't need to live like this.

@Parky04 unconditional love is for a parent to a child, not spouses. There should be conditions that mean the relationship ends, like OPs husbands behaviour choices.

Thanks a lot I totally agree. I can’t understand my dad at all and the worst part is explaining to my 8 year old why her grandad no longer responds to her messages or wants to speak to her. (They were previously very close). Also yes I am thinking of leaving my husband

So my husband has never brought things up or been nasty like that but he has had behaviours in the past that are quite aggressive. Following therapy he would now describe some of them as slightly abusive. Anyway, the point I am trying to get to is that this behaviour is not ok and that most times people refuse to see it and refuse to change but sometimes people can be introspective like my DH and had change. So rather than say LTB in this case I would recommend you suggest therapy to him and if he is open to trying to change give him a chance. If not then LTB.