When husbands speak with contempt

[Marissa270]

Has anyone had their husbands say hurtful comments while their arguing or say things out of contempt? If so how to put a stop to it? My father didn’t agree with my marriage so he stopped talking to me once I got married. We were so close so that the thing that hurt me the most.

Whenever we argue my husband brings it up and sometimes even his family do. He will say well even your father doesn’t want to talk to you or even your father hates you. It’s been 13 years and it still kills me to hear as I would never abandon my children. I had a brief reconciliation with my father when me and my kids visited him for a holiday but after that he stopped talking to both me and my kids again saying he doesn’t want us in his lives (for no reason). My husband keeps bringing that up even though he knows how much it hurts as I’m his only daughter.

I have a feeling your father wasn't lovely in every way until you married, and that your husband isn't lovely in a myriad of ways when you're not even arguing. Perhaps what you experienced as a child seemed normal to you, and so you saw red flags in your husband as normal and that "nobody is perfect."

Just something to consider in moving forward, so you don't eventually repeat the same pattern one day in the future when you enter the dating world again.

Your husband likely learned the abusive behavior from his family. Can you list any of his good traits? Not that they override verbal abuse. I'm just curious of what drew you to him and how long his good behavior lasted in those areas.

It's not surprising if he's killed any remaining love you had for him over the years. I think saying that to him, versus biting back, might've had him stop the behavior if you've said, "Every time you say that hurtful thing, I lose more love for you." You've stayed through his repetitive abuse, so right now, he thinks your love is unconditional. I would've told him, "I only have unconditional love for my children. When it comes to you, my partner, I must be treated well to continue feeling love."

Has your mother passed away? Where is she in all this if alive? Do you have any good friends or extended family who are a good support system to you? Write more if it helps. Good luck.

after that he stopped talking to both me and my kids again saying he doesn’t want us in his lives (for no reason).

Is it for no reason, or is it because of your DH?

You don’t know why? Probably because of the very thing he keeps pointing out… your rich dad pulled away so your gold digging husband is now sad and angry and moody because he blames you for him not being rich.

Try: 'Listen to yourself. Listen to how cruel you are being. How can you have any self respect when you try to put me down like this?'

I think the only response to your DH and his family is to say that your dad doesn’t hate you. He hates them because he believes that they are horrible scumbags and he refused to watch you get to the point where you realised he was right. That should shut the fuckers up.

Every couple has disagreements. But the reason that their marriages survive is that you don’t say anything that can’t be taken back. You attack the behaviour, not the person. So no name calling and nothing designed to hurt the other person’s feelings. He can hug you and tell you that he didn’t mean it, but the damage is done at that point.

If he isn’t willing to get some counselling to learn how to communicate properly, then your marriage is on a countdown to divorce because he’ll be killing a bit more of your love for him every time he says it.

Also, if you leave him and your dad gets back in touch, tell him to go fuck himself.

We visited him alone in his holiday house in another country without my husband he has not contact with him

Possibly the only thing is when we married my husband told me to sign over all the property and business that my dad has put in my name back to my dad to show he does not want anything. I was happy to do that and did it so if maybe he’s now changed his mind I’m not sure

Thanks for your reply. My dad was a great one he was actually my best friend and did everything for me as I was an only child. It was my mum who was abusive with narcissistic tendencies so she’s very happy to see me being hurt by my husband. The only one I could turn to in childhood was my dad so that’s why it hurts so much that he’s no longer around. My husband was a great person previously he was very loving, never unkind and a great dad to our kids but he’s changed alot now

Apologies are worthless if the behaviour continues.

Look up the work of The Gotmanns. Out of all the things which kill a marriage, contempt is at the top of the list. And when a spouse soaks it in it affects the whole of your physical health and destroys your immune system. It’s that bad.
Bringing up your dad against you is the lowest of the lowest of the low.
I am not sure why your dad did what he did, but he certainly should have stuck around to protect his daughter.
It is time to stand tall as a person in her own right.
Your husband, quite simply, has no respect for you left at all.

I don't know what your reaction was to your dad's thought it he was right. He probably saw this coming and recognised there was little he could do so pulled away to protect himself mentally.

I am sure he would welcome you back if you reached out and were honest that your DH is a fucking loser.

What’s he like when he calms down? Does he apologise? That’s a really nasty and hurtful thing to say and he clearly knows it upsets you which is why he chooses it. My DH has never said anything personal or specific in arguments to use against me or hurt me like that but my ex did and it circles in your head for years to come doesn’t it. It’s really not ok :(

Yes he apologizes and says sorry he didn’t mean to hurt me he’s just angry at how my dad treats me (as if that’s an excuse).

How can you be so naive? Of course it was for show and he didn’t really think your father would cut you off.

What's the timeline here? You've been with your husband for 13 years and you have an 8-year-old who was previously very close to your father, but he cut you off when you got married, which must therefore be quite recent?

Sounds like you have 2 abusive men in your life, OP, your father and your DH. I agree with the others, split with your DH. Let your father crack on.

You can't rely on either of them, or your mum from what you've said, which must feel lonely, however I would absolutely work towards standing on your own two feet and being reliant on none of these people as soon as possible.

You can't change the past but you can show your DC what you will and won't put up with and be an example to them of strength and self preservation.

Your husband appears to have lost feelings for you. Might be time to reconsider your life as this is unlikely to change.

Both these men are awful. Please do start to protect yourself and your children from them.

The confusion part is he always apologizes and says he loves me and didn’t mean it but surely if he loved me he wouldn’t want to hurt me.

You’ve hit the nail on the head. If he loved you, he wouldn’t say it. Apologising after the fact means absolutely nothing.

the men in your life are horrible.
sorry op.

maybe your dad has found something out about your husband thats made him hate him even more and cannot look at you because of it. He should never have ignored you though. you are still you. not DH. you are still his daughter.

And thats no reason to cut contact with your child.

Its not dc’s fault who her dad is. Your dad is punishing her. For being alive basically as it’s not like she’s done anything.

i think you have to get your ducks in a row now because i dont see you staying with dh.
So get copies/photos of information relating to savings, mortgage, his P60, pension etc while he doesn’t know you may be leaving and keep them safe where he cannot bin them.

Then speak to him calmly about your relationship. At a time that suits when neither of you have other things on your mind or to do later that evening etc so you are both relaxed. Do the We Need To Talk talk.

To say his behaviour towards you is unacceptable and you will no longer be putting up with jibes about your dad no longer liking you.

The reason is because if you DH because you are poor and he only respects men who have money. I disagree and sacrificed my relationship with him for you. And this is how you speak to me with such contempt?! I’ve given up my family for you.

Think about what you want from life DH, because this isn’t working for me. Im fed up with the arguments. This stops now. If you no longer have respect for me then i will leave.

I have a 13 year old and an 8 year old. I’ve been married 14 years now (I mistakenly wrote 13). My dad had cut off with me when I first married but always seen both children and been a very good grandad to them. He used to visit them when they were at my mum’s or invite them over to his house. We reconciled 3 years ago when he invited me and the kids to his holiday house where we stayed for 2 months. My youngest who was 5 at the time ended up breaking her arm and needing an operation and he abandoned us there (abroad) and stopped talking to us then as he said he was happy having a peaceful life. We were no bother to him and I spent the whole trip trying to be extra nice but I’m not sure why he felt that way.

Once my dad left my husband came over as my daughter had had an operation and needed ongoing treatment. He was furious with how my dad treated us so since then he always brings it up in arguments. My kids still send WhatsApp msgs to their grandad wishing him a happy birthday or telling them they love and miss him. He opens them but never responds. It’s heartbreaking especially for my youngest who was especially close to him

I think you’re right

Because he’s resentful that your DF has cut you (and him) out of his life and (possibly) his will?

A bloke like this needs an ultimatum that you are prepared to see through. If I were you it would be, say that one more time and we are done.

Yes thanks I told him I won’t accept to hear anything like that again and I’m seriously considering divorce at the moment