How can I support DH with this?

[Mamma18383]

DH has started saying he needs more validation when he is upset about something.

For context we have a child with complex SEN. So much of our life is filled with compromises in favour of DS. We’re not parenting how we thought we would parent. It’s often frustrating and very difficult. But DS is happy and making progress at school, which was not the case a year or two ago.

Today DS was dysregulated and was irritating DH - DH has a habit of lecturing and haranguing DS even though DS doesn’t understand and isn’t listening. I tried to de-escalate. DS went away and got calm again. I told DH that DS can’t help it and we have to be calm for DS, especially right before school, otherwise we risk escalating DS further.

DH expressed that he wanted some acknowledgement from me that part of the routine stinks. I said I agree but I’ve accepted this is the routine, that it’s already very rushed, and we don’t time have to stop. In my head I thought that it’s not just a simple acknowledgement he wants, it’s a big moan about everything that is rubbish in life, during school run. Because we stopped to talk about it DH ended up leaving late, another thing he is stressing about in the mornings.

Do we really need to build in time to have a lot of little moans or one big moan about DS? We’ve been dealing with his complex needs almost his whole life. If DS does something particularly concerning then we need to talk about it. But the everyday annoyances, I feel like there isn’t time or energy in the day to complain about every one. I kind of accept that some things aren’t great because on the whole everything is fine.

From DH’s perspective he has a demanding job and commute that adds to the stress. DH does bedtime with DS while I manage other DC who is a baby. There are things DH could be doing to better manage the morning routine, like get DS to bed earlier and use his time in the morning (he wakes up earlier) to help get DS get out of bed sooner, but DH uses that time for himself. Currently DS has just 30 mins from waking up to school transport (transitions being one of his most challenging areas.)

I think DH is still a little in denial that this is our life now. We talk on and off about how rubbish parts of it are. For me I just want DH to get on with it. I don’t mind talking through problems if we are looking for solutions. But DH just wants to vent and does so at the most inappropriate times, like today when DS is dysregulated and both he and DS need to be out the door in 2 mins.

What should we be doing to improve this? Reading back on my post I’m thinking maybe I need to allow space for him to vent when we are both calm so that he doesn’t vent when he is upset. But he may not want to vent as much during those times.

I guess I manage better because I have a network of SEN parents to talk to and I offload regularly, but he doesn’t have that, so he wants to offload to me. We both find making friends hard but I know talking about DS to others helps me (be a better mum, stay calmer at home, come up with new strategies) and he doesn’t want to do that, with other SEN parents or anyone really. He does that typical male thing of only having very superficial banter with others and is afraid to talk more deeply about himself or ask personal questions of others, and therefore he doesn’t have any good friends. We’ve talked about this too but he’s not going to change.

I think you’re being quite harsh towards him. You acknowledge you have a big support network whereas he doesn’t, and when he tries to moan and get a bit of sympathy, you basically just tell him to suck it up and get on with it.

I didn’t want to include the specific trigger in the OP, but it was about watching an annoying cartoon in the mornings before school. (Not ideal I know, but it helps DS wake up and he is fine to stop when it’s time to leave, plus he has a long commute to school without screens to chill.) DH hates the cartoon. I tried to help by turning the volume down and kept baby away. I think what DH wanted was to complain about the cartoon, that DS doesn’t listen when he’s watching, that baby DC shouldn’t be watching it, that watching screens during breakfast is bad, etc. (It’s not usually this cartoon during breakfast btw, DS often picks something educational too.)

I agree with all of it, I said to him I agreed, but he still wanted to keep complaining when we needed to focus on regulating and feeding DS in the 5 mins we have left and also get DH out the door as well.

I didn’t say to his face he needs to suck it up. I said I agreed with him but we needed to stay calm and get DS to school.

Maybe not directly but from the way you write your post your feelings towards him are pretty obvious.

I should have chosen my words a bit better - DH was angry and dysregulated because DS was angry and dysregulated, and DH was making it worse by haranguing him.

I was trying to tell him we needed to stay calm for DS before school (because if we didn’t then DS would meltdown, miss school transport, DH would have to drive him and take the morning off work, DS would
have realised he has options to disrupt going to school or get daddy to drive him if he wants to - I mean it would have escalated really badly if we didn’t get a handle on things in the next 5 mins. I said I agreed it’s rubbish but we didn’t have time to talk about it now.

Well I’m frustrated by how DH is with DS. It’s not fair to DS. We’ve talked about this lots of times and calmly as well but it still happens.

He’s not trying, he doesn’t want to talk about personal stuff to others. But at the same time he complains he has no one else to talk about DS to. I tried to offer some suggestions very gently, like maybe he could ask some personal questions to open up conversations, normal stuff like “how is it going with x (friend’s partner)”, “how are your kids” but he thinks even that is too intrusive.

We do talk about DS plenty together. But I don’t like moaning about DS extensively all the time - it’s always the same issues and complaints, and it’s not nice, it’s depressing and doesn’t solve anything, plus DS is starting to pay attention.

I think it’s a hard situation, it probably is frustrating and I don’t think I could blame your husband or any SEN parent for finding it difficult- it is difficult, parenting is difficult and parenting a child with SEN is even more difficult.

I also don’t think it’s abnormal for him to want to chat to you about these things, I have great friends but I don’t like to vent or speak negatively about my children with my friends, for me & in our family those are conversations I’d prefer to have with my husband rather than people outside of our family.

I don’t think there is a perfect answer but I don’t think the answer is him developing a friendship with someone he can complain about his child to, not least because actually unless that person also has SEN children or experience of them it won’t be particularly helpful. One of my best friends has 2 children with SEN and I remember her telling me she had been having a moan to a friend about it and the friend (who does have children but no SEN) was very “well I would just tell them it’s happening, they can walk to the car or they can be put in the car, tantrum or not they are going” and for lots of children that might be okay but for a SEN child? Probably not. He’s not necessarily going to get the support he needs from just any random friend he chooses.

I didn’t say all that to DH btw. I just said the first bit, DS is just a kid, we need to be the ones to stay calm, we need to get DS calm so we can get him to school.

I do see your point but I also think it’s really really difficult to stay calm sometimes, it’s not an easy task or something that you can just always do. There are countless threads on here every day from parents struggling with staying calm, regulated, happy, not shouting/snapping at children- your husband is not alone in not being a perfectly calm parent in stressful situations.

That’s fair enough and I agree, I cant be as honest with non-SEN parents as I can with those that are in the same position. I guess what I mean to say is that he has no friends at all, just colleagues at work that he chats to and some distant friends he doesn’t make any effort to stay in touch with. So I’m feeling some additional weight of being his only outlet.

I some additional relief by going online anonymously and asking advice on SEN specific issues, or relationship issues like here, but DH would never do this.

I'm surprised as some of these responses ... I read this as you having to manage everyone's emotions and keep things on an even keel. Who is looking out for you?

Your DH sounds deeply unhappy, which isn’t unreasonable given the cards you’ve both been dealt. Personally, I probably wouldn’t have added to it by choosing to have a second child. Be that as it may, you’re clearly not on the same page when it comes to how to raise your DS; you’ve chosen acceptance/the path of least resistance, but your DH isn’t there (yet, if he ever will be). If his current unhappiness escalates and results in him leaving, what position would that leave you in? Could you cope raising the DC alone?

The wide social circle of people she’s been talking about.

I have a child with significant special needs and a husband who used to be a bit like this, and have a lot of sympathy for you OP.

To be fair to DH he never complained about DS directly but his anger and frustration was clearly visible. Meanwhile I had to get on with it and ensure that DS was supported because no one else would and provide emotional support to DH when I was struggling too.

Eventually I said enough was enough. I’m going through all the same things as he is and it’s not fair to expect me to look after everyone (including the adults in the family) and no one looks after me. I insisted that he saw a councillor as I couldn’t hold it together for everyone anymore. Genuinely him having someone to talk to saved our marriage.

Yes I totally get that, but what else can I do. I can’t let DH escalate DS. I can’t stop everything and wait for DH to vent, especially in earshot of DS and with a baby to manage as well.

But why is it okay for you to be frustrated but not for your DH to feel the same way?

There are hundreds of threads on here from mums who struggle and they get absolutely nothing but unlimited sympathy. Of course in an ideal world your DH wouldn’t snap and get upset but in an ideal world nobody would have significant special needs or disabilities either.

None of us are perfect and maybe a bit more understanding all round would be best (and I include your DH being more understanding too), but also an acknowledgment that this isn’t fair and that it’s okay for you to both to get frustrated and have a moan sometimes.

Thank you, yes this is how I feel, managing my emotions and DS emotions is hard without having to manage DH as well.

And I also agree the reply further down - I can talk about this very thing to my friends.

Thank you. Counselling is a good idea. I have suggested this to DH a number of times and he hates the idea of it, confiding in a stranger. But it may be the only option.

Are you on mat leave just now? How did it work before? Is dh in a job where he needs to be in the office for a particular time?

I’m a SEN parent too and I can relate to what is happening here.

SEN parenting is hard and puts a lit more stress on the parent’s relationship. How old is your baby? Young baby’s are another stressor.

I’m wondering if your DH is autistic? You talk about him and DS being dysregulated. 90% of autistic children will have at least one autistic parent.

It sounds like DH is really struggling and something needs to change. Have a chat with him about what is happening and how you can both make things easier. It sounds like you need DH to step up but at the moment he doesn’t have the capacity for this.

ND children are most dysregulated in the morning and only 30 mins to get ready is not ideal for anyone, especially a child with complex needs. You need a new time plan and DH needs coping strategies like noise cancelling headphones. Watching cartoon and zoning out in the morning is not always a bad thing. Our children are exposed to more info in a day than a typical child’s brain can comprehend and they need down time. Does DH know much about what will help DS?

DH was reluctant to speak to anyone too. He only went because I told him I wanted a divorce if he didn’t sort himself out.

I’m guessing that your DS is autistic and that he has inherited this from your DH but your DH has not been diagnosed? So your DH actually needs just as much downtime / space / routine etc as your DS does but this has never been formally recognised? And this is why your DH is unable to put his own needs aside sometimes?

e.g. the noisy cartoon could have been overwhelming for your DH.

Parenting an autistic child when you’re autistic yourself is SO HARD. Ask me how I know!

Your DH is going to have to find coping strategies. This needs to be discussed when everyone is calm. And it may mean that DH needs to remove himself from the stressful morning routine, or that you need to adapt the routine so that DH is actually able to cope with it. Maybe ask him how he thinks the mornings should be managed. I appreciate that any change is going to be difficult for DS but only having 30 minutes between getting up and leaving the house is making the transition more intense for him, not less; maybe having a bit more time to adjust to each transition might work better for everyone?

I agree that venting about the situation when DS is close to a meltdown isn’t ideal but it may be that your DH just couldn’t help it. And removing himself from the situation would be preferable to venting and making it worse. He does need an outlet but it isn’t fair to expect that outlet always to be you - you’ve got enough on your plate.

Apogies if I’m totally barking up the wrong tree here.

I think the difference is what we do with that frustration. Most of the time (not every time) I am able to hold it in check and let it out to other people later. Whereas DH wants to let it all out right now, to DS, to me. He starts using words like “should”, like “you should be x” when he knows DS is disabled and can’t or criticising the cartoon he is watching even though it gives him a lot of pleasure (it is a bit young for his age but not inappropriate). I think the way he talks to DS and lectures him, he’s venting and letting off steam to his face, or the way he complains about DS in his earshot “he should be doing x”, he does it because DS couldn’t understand him. But DS is starting to understand.

I think a lot about how our inner monologue comes from what our parents say to us, and DS will have a hard enough time throughout life without having a negative inner monologue saying he should be more than he is. So apart from the burden to me, I can’t just let DH vent whenever he wants because I don’t want him to cause emotional damage to DS.