How can I support DH with this?

[Mamma18383]

DH has started saying he needs more validation when he is upset about something.

For context we have a child with complex SEN. So much of our life is filled with compromises in favour of DS. We’re not parenting how we thought we would parent. It’s often frustrating and very difficult. But DS is happy and making progress at school, which was not the case a year or two ago.

Today DS was dysregulated and was irritating DH - DH has a habit of lecturing and haranguing DS even though DS doesn’t understand and isn’t listening. I tried to de-escalate. DS went away and got calm again. I told DH that DS can’t help it and we have to be calm for DS, especially right before school, otherwise we risk escalating DS further.

DH expressed that he wanted some acknowledgement from me that part of the routine stinks. I said I agree but I’ve accepted this is the routine, that it’s already very rushed, and we don’t time have to stop. In my head I thought that it’s not just a simple acknowledgement he wants, it’s a big moan about everything that is rubbish in life, during school run. Because we stopped to talk about it DH ended up leaving late, another thing he is stressing about in the mornings.

Do we really need to build in time to have a lot of little moans or one big moan about DS? We’ve been dealing with his complex needs almost his whole life. If DS does something particularly concerning then we need to talk about it. But the everyday annoyances, I feel like there isn’t time or energy in the day to complain about every one. I kind of accept that some things aren’t great because on the whole everything is fine.

From DH’s perspective he has a demanding job and commute that adds to the stress. DH does bedtime with DS while I manage other DC who is a baby. There are things DH could be doing to better manage the morning routine, like get DS to bed earlier and use his time in the morning (he wakes up earlier) to help get DS get out of bed sooner, but DH uses that time for himself. Currently DS has just 30 mins from waking up to school transport (transitions being one of his most challenging areas.)

I think DH is still a little in denial that this is our life now. We talk on and off about how rubbish parts of it are. For me I just want DH to get on with it. I don’t mind talking through problems if we are looking for solutions. But DH just wants to vent and does so at the most inappropriate times, like today when DS is dysregulated and both he and DS need to be out the door in 2 mins.

What should we be doing to improve this? Reading back on my post I’m thinking maybe I need to allow space for him to vent when we are both calm so that he doesn’t vent when he is upset. But he may not want to vent as much during those times.

I guess I manage better because I have a network of SEN parents to talk to and I offload regularly, but he doesn’t have that, so he wants to offload to me. We both find making friends hard but I know talking about DS to others helps me (be a better mum, stay calmer at home, come up with new strategies) and he doesn’t want to do that, with other SEN parents or anyone really. He does that typical male thing of only having very superficial banter with others and is afraid to talk more deeply about himself or ask personal questions of others, and therefore he doesn’t have any good friends. We’ve talked about this too but he’s not going to change.

You don't need to label yourselves but you could still look at support suggestions for adhd/autism.

I'm not diagnosed and not sure I'd get an adhd diagnosis but using adhd strategies has been life changing. I still struggle but i feel much more able to understand myself and cope or at least be kind to myself.

But their DS has SEN and really struggles in the morning and this cartoon, which is not inappropriate, really soothes him? So a chid, who struggles with self regulation and self soothing mechanisms should have his cartoon banned so that his father, who also struggles but is an adult, with a job and a family and responsibilities so one assumes he has mastered at least the minimm of self reglation and self soothing, doesn't have to listen to it?

Don't get me wrong, there are things on youtube I honestly hought I'd kill myself if I listened to for one more minute that were very soothing for both my DS and my DD. But the trick is to find a solution that works - in my case, I'd let them watch in the other room. In this case, perhaps DH gets headphones or turns the tv down or similar.

“Writing all this is making me feel angry tbh. On top of all this I also need to acknowledge how hard he’s finding things?”

I’m sorry it’s making you feel angry. You’ve said that talking about DS helps you, and that the only person DH has to talk about him is you, so in fact, you’re the only person who can acknowledge how hard he’s finding things, difficult though it is for you. Does DH have any other sympathetic family members he can talk to? Everyone needs to vent sometimes, and needs someone to be able to vent to. I can understand that you are finding it hard that he is choosing to do so at inopportune moments - frankly, it would drive me mad! - but maybe he feels it’s the only time that he can, or he needs to do so in the moment? Please don’t be angry, OP - you’re both in an impossible situation, but your DH does need some way of being able to offload his concerns. I very much hope that things will get easier for you all as your baby gets older.

Sorry I haven't read all the replies.

I have 3 dc with SEND so can very much relate.

Does your dh always do bedtime and wakeups?

Why is there only 30 min in the morning yo get him ready?

DH was the one who agreed to put it on DS’ tablet when he asked! It’s not the whole show just a few specific episodes that are also related to a life event we went through, and he watched it occasionally. I find it inoffensive but DH is probably annoyed by it because he watched endless episodes when DS was small.

I agree with the reply, we could ban it but it doesn’t seem fair when DH can just pop headphones on. I have firm boundaries on cartoons that I think are potentially bad for DS (fast paced, quick cuts, modelling bad behaviour) but this is good for language skills which DS is lacking, social stories, slow paced, short - I’m not going to put the boundary here when DH can just leave the room. DS also watches a variety of stuff, and we both look for interesting content for him.

I don’t think DS can manage high activity, races etc, when he’s that tired in the morning. No DS can’t tell the time, can’t read or write either, he approaching secondary and he’s many years behind his peers. I really think we need to sort the basics like his bedtime first and that will help all of us.

It makes me a bit sad that you say I should have confidence in DH to find his own solutions as he won’t, not at home
anyway. Like I said earlier, I don’t think he’s thinking about us in his down time even though he clearly loves us. Not in the way that I’m always thinking about what else could help, what more can we do, and I did that when I was working too. I don’t know if that’s a guy/dad thing of not worrying about family stuff until it’s put in front of you.

I focus on the kids in the morning and mostly leave DH to it, aside from telling him to stop doing chores. It’s depressing as his whole job is about problem solving and he’s excellent at it.

DH is responsible for DS bedtimes, and I’m responsible for mornings, bur we help each other where we can. DH initiates bedtime far too late though, so DS falls asleep too late and is permanently underslept. So we can’t give him more time in the mornings - he’s already so groggy and hard to get out of bed.

OP, I’m quite shocked at the initial responses you received. I’m so fed up of hearing how women have to manage the emotions of grown men. Your DH offloading at a highly stressful point of the day is definitely unhelpful for all involved.

If he’s reluctant to try counselling, there is an incredible podcast called the Calm Parenting Podcast. It’s brilliant. Both me and my (AuDHD) husband have found it so useful when dealing with our DC (one has ADHD, the other is AuDHD).

Could the routine be changed (would your ds tolerate that big a change?)

I used anything that worked to get my boys our of the house as smoothly and as calm as possible. Yes they watched cartoons, ate whatever their favorite was at the time.

Ultimately, my thinking was it was just about finding ways to do things as calmly as possible.

I agree, DS 14 has ADHD and morning cartoons helped him to regulate when he was younger. Now he listens to music.

I’m glad I’m not the only one - I’ve been feeling guilty about the cartoons because we managed without until a couple of years ago, and then morning routine got harder and harder, and I was desperate to use anything for a calm school run.

Sounds like you are going to end up a single parent.

That’s a cruel thing to say. Are you this awful in real life as well?

I wrote that mornings and bedtimes are high pressured and difficult but DH is great and helpful at other times.

I understand it's so hard for both of you but you must find a way to get your DS in bed earlier, if he's sleep deprived it can't be good for him.
Have you both either joined Mencap or the National Austistic Society, or other, as your DH could get advice and also meet other parents who are in a similar situation which hopefully may help him feel less isolated.

I think you need to speak to DH and acknowledge it’s shit at the moment. I also think you get him to agree to a 4-6 week new routine where there is an alarm starting off DS bedtime.

You set it and then he starts and it’s negotiable or optional. Getting DS to bed on time and then DH going earlier seems to be necessary.

You could then review it together after the 6 weeks and see if it’s improved the mornings?

Really sorry you are going through this. I can relate, believe me. I'm in a somewhat similar situation and it's frustrating isn't it - we are trying our best to hold it all together, do our best for our DC which unfortunately does include compromises we never thought we'd make. We feel frustrated, hurt, angry and dysregulated too. But we keep going and try to minimise escalation with our DCs, for their sake. We actively went and tried to find a group of people who we could relate to. It frustrates me that many DH won't and /or won't try to help themselves. I've no advice, I'm sorry, I'm in the same boat really. Just letting you know you're not alone!

I don’t think PP meant it in a cruel way - they were just making an honest observation based on what you’ve posted so far.

I've read your posts OP. You are right to be angry.

DH not putting DS to bed early enough is neglectful of him. He's deliberately denying his child the sleep he needs to deal with the day. Frame your DHs behaviour under that lens and you'll realise you are angry with good reason.

No matter how helpful he is at other times, this is sticking out to me as one major issue that would resolve some of the other issues. It's time for you to force the bed time imo. By force I mean "DH set an alarm and make this happen otherwise I'll be seeking legal advice". He's being a shit father.

No advice but I wanted to say you sound like a really great parent. Your kids are lucky to have you.

As a Dad with a child who has serious special needs....

• this is hard and it affects people different ways. For example: I have endless patience for my SN DD but I'm less patient with my other kids than I would be if life were different.
• I can see how this is annoying for you (e.g. 30 mins is OBVIOUSLY not enough time to get your SN DD ready).
• However, like it or not, your 'suck-it-up-buttercup' feelings will show. In fact I can see it in the words you write about what you say. So you might think you're hiding it; you're not. Note: I'm not saying those feelings aren't valid!

To answer your original post:

• try to find some time to chat to your DH at a less fraught moment about how to improve the morning and evening routine.
• I am in some amazing support groups online (Facebook) for my DD's condition. They include hugely supportive Dad's forums. Track them down, look at them with your DH.
• if you PM me I can tell you what my DR'S condition is, in case it's the same one, and link you up with the resources.
• try to find a way to get some time away with just your DH - just an afternoon, longer if you can - to reconnect. Your relationship is the first thing to get shoved aside under the pressure of this situation.

This is really hard and you sound like you're doing an amazing job.

Good luck!

What’s the point of the observation? I posted on Relationships asking for ideas for support (or change), not judgement on my marriage. Of course I’m only going to post on the selective bits that are shit right now because that’s where I need help - I’m not going to write about the good stuff, or my own failings as a parent and how much I need DH too.

And unfortunately I think SEN parents’ tolerance for problems in a marriage is often higher, because you are so reliant on each other for support, for just having another adult around to give respite, to take over with the child when you can’t be calm. So we’re both very motivated to stay together for practical reasons along with loving each other very much.

I realise that for some families a split is better and it’s easier for the primary carer to have full control, but for us it would be worse for everyone, not least because we have no other family support and we would have to split finances and live in two smaller homes and make do with less.

Thank you, lots of good advice. I wish DH would seek out more SEN groups on Facebook as it’s helped me but he avoids it (which I understand) and misses out on so much support.

You are quite right that my “suck it up buttercup” feelings are on show, especially under stress. We did have a chat about it when he got home and we do agree with each other when we’re calm. Then the baby woke up so had to stop and will have to save the talk about bedtimes for another time.

@Mamma18383 could your husband be persuaded to swop the 30 mins he uses in the mornings? Perhaps gtg the child organised to go, watch his TV programme and then your husband can do his time before work.

You can't continue to be all things to all people. He may not like the idea of talking to strangers but surely he gets that by staying anonymous, he can let go?

I wouldn’t fancy getting kid up and out the door in 30 mins every day even without SEN. His time management sucks - but that is hardly your responsibility. He needs a better morning plan.

Sorry if already said but are there any SEN paremt support groups in your area? That would be my first port of call and talking to others going through the same or similar would help him a lot I think.

Sorry, I was just trying to point out that PP probably wasn’t trying to hurt you intentionally.