DH has started saying he needs more validation when he is upset about something.
For context we have a child with complex SEN. So much of our life is filled with compromises in favour of DS. We’re not parenting how we thought we would parent. It’s often frustrating and very difficult. But DS is happy and making progress at school, which was not the case a year or two ago.
Today DS was dysregulated and was irritating DH - DH has a habit of lecturing and haranguing DS even though DS doesn’t understand and isn’t listening. I tried to de-escalate. DS went away and got calm again. I told DH that DS can’t help it and we have to be calm for DS, especially right before school, otherwise we risk escalating DS further.
DH expressed that he wanted some acknowledgement from me that part of the routine stinks. I said I agree but I’ve accepted this is the routine, that it’s already very rushed, and we don’t time have to stop. In my head I thought that it’s not just a simple acknowledgement he wants, it’s a big moan about everything that is rubbish in life, during school run. Because we stopped to talk about it DH ended up leaving late, another thing he is stressing about in the mornings.
Do we really need to build in time to have a lot of little moans or one big moan about DS? We’ve been dealing with his complex needs almost his whole life. If DS does something particularly concerning then we need to talk about it. But the everyday annoyances, I feel like there isn’t time or energy in the day to complain about every one. I kind of accept that some things aren’t great because on the whole everything is fine.
From DH’s perspective he has a demanding job and commute that adds to the stress. DH does bedtime with DS while I manage other DC who is a baby. There are things DH could be doing to better manage the morning routine, like get DS to bed earlier and use his time in the morning (he wakes up earlier) to help get DS get out of bed sooner, but DH uses that time for himself. Currently DS has just 30 mins from waking up to school transport (transitions being one of his most challenging areas.)
I think DH is still a little in denial that this is our life now. We talk on and off about how rubbish parts of it are. For me I just want DH to get on with it. I don’t mind talking through problems if we are looking for solutions. But DH just wants to vent and does so at the most inappropriate times, like today when DS is dysregulated and both he and DS need to be out the door in 2 mins.
What should we be doing to improve this? Reading back on my post I’m thinking maybe I need to allow space for him to vent when we are both calm so that he doesn’t vent when he is upset. But he may not want to vent as much during those times.
I guess I manage better because I have a network of SEN parents to talk to and I offload regularly, but he doesn’t have that, so he wants to offload to me. We both find making friends hard but I know talking about DS to others helps me (be a better mum, stay calmer at home, come up with new strategies) and he doesn’t want to do that, with other SEN parents or anyone really. He does that typical male thing of only having very superficial banter with others and is afraid to talk more deeply about himself or ask personal questions of others, and therefore he doesn’t have any good friends. We’ve talked about this too but he’s not going to change.