Would this be too weird?

[LittleWaterRabbit]

If your ex for whatever reason was unable to have the kids at their house, so visited at yours. Would it be weird to leave them there so you could go on dates? I’d really like to start dating again but is this just too weird or am I overthinking things?! (Split up years ago)

OP is working with what she has and trying to make the best of it! My ex has never had the kids overnight because he’s never got his own place, lives with his parents and there’s space but he claims it’s not possible to have them there. I’ve just got on with it as it is beyond my control! OP is not responsible for her ex’s failure to “adult up”

OP it’s not weird because you’re not actually asking him to “babysit” so you can date, you’re just using his contact time for whatever you want which your own business, good luck and enjoy!

But a sitter wouldnt come into it. Because the point is you should be having totally free child-free nights where you get to date normally and have people over

But I don’t and that’s not going to change so I’m not talking about hypotheticals

huh? I don’t need to book a sitter
why
because my ex husband is able to have our children at his home

Thank you! Gosh was confused by these comments tbh, what do they want me to do? FORCE him to have the kids overnight? He lives with 4 strange men, my kids are NOT going there.

lucky you 👍 you must realise that isnt the case for everyone

I wondered about that.

What is he, a lighthouse keeper?

I’m going to guess your ex pays you pennies in child maintenance?

we are on your side! Your ex has zero motivation to get a place where he can have his children because it’s all so easy… he rocks up at yours (has your food?) and then scarpers

For the vast and overwhelming majority …. It is!

he has no motivation to change the very easy status quo for him

So he's an asylum seeker in an HMO ?

wtf?

How else would he be living with "four strange men" ?

I'm baffled.🤔

This is such a weird jump 😆

OP you are fine, you aren’t asking him to ‘babysit’ to go out, you are just utilising the time you already have free. Same as going to the gym, drinks with friends, popping to the supermarket alone.

although if you don’t usually go out when he is there why don’t you start taking yourself on dates, alone, cinema, walk etc, so you get used to being out and it feels more normal for you and the kids :)

It’s quite telling that your first thought on hearing someone lived in an HMO was to ask if they were an asylum seeker. HMOs are simply shared accommodation and are home to all kinds of people. Your assumption was ignorant and based on a stereotype, so I’ll leave the conversation there and won’t be responding to you again.

Very weird!

Thanks you are right it’s no different from going to see a friend or going shopping like you said.

Does ex stay overnight too?

I don't see the problem, I got on very well with my ex husband and remain friends. As he has nowhere to have the children where he lives then at yours is fine I'd it's fine with you. Good for the children too. You do what you want to do abd feel what is best for your children. NOT on what people on here tell you to do. Good luck in moving forwards in your life.

Thanks, I appreciate your kind words.

Op you clearly and staunchly feel it will not be the slightest bit “weird”.

And given this is your life…. Then just go for it

My H and I gave been separated for a year. He doesn’t ever have the kids at his and I can’t force him. When he spends time with the kids it is here and I either be busy with stuff or go out. I usually be vague about what I am doing and with whom but he knows my friends anyway.

In your situation I would say that I was going out to dinner (or whatever) and not tell him it’s a date. I get on well enough (considering) with my H but I wouldn’t want him knowing too much too soon about a new relationship (or a prospective one) and either give him power or any context in having to hear him voice unwanted opinions.

Do you not see how controlling this is of him.

He could have his children at his but he forces himself on to your home

That isn’t the pint of the thread though. The OP is is a somewhat similar situation to me and I offered my opinion. Me detailing the reason why my kids don’t stay with their dad isn’t any of the internet’s business. They love their dad, he loves them. I am supporting that.

It’s not controlling

It's up to you really. Do you trust your ex alone in your house? Not in terms of childcare as you obviously do else you wouldn't allow access. But that he wouldn't snoop your stuff, eat your food, make a mess etc?

You don't need to tell him it's a date. Your social activities are none of their business so just say you're going out and roughly when you'll return.

But if it's his time with the kid you shouldn't have to also be there all the time and renague on any kind of social life. Unless he presents a risk to the child.