Struggling to leave after finding out my partner had an affair

[Supermom24]

Has anyone else found out their partner is having an affair and they really struggle to let go? I thought emotional but I think it’s way more than that
I know in my heart of hearts I need to walk away but I never in a million years knew it was so hard to do that!!
we have a house together (brought) and 2 young DC, I just need a handhold and someone to make me feel normal that I’m struggling so much to let go.
although ive been told its all done and dusted I know they are still in contact but I can’t prove that i just know as things don’t add up but why am I finding it so hard to leave?

Because you have security by staying I expect. You have a lot more hassle if you go and more money issues. Mine admitted to 5 affairs. I’m still here but I see him as a monetary provider. Detached from me in some ways. I don’t forgive or forget but it’s my home too and I’m not being pushed out of it.

I am so sorry you have to go through this, @Supermom24 . You know what the right is to do, you said it yourself. So that is good. The fact that you find it hard, and you are struggling to actually make that step is completely normal, too. It is emotional, taxing.. And there is a sadness that goes with mourning the loss of the life you had - you think you had - with your husband. You are not weak or wrong to find it difficult. Allow yourself to feel all the feelings that come with this, but at the heart of it all - that "right thing to do" is still there. So, please do everything in your power to get that process going, the sooner you can leave, the better. I get the nightmare aspect of a joint house, kids, etc, but unfortunately there are no ifs and buts about it. What he decided to betray and break, your relationship, your trust - these can never be restored, because he chose to throw them away, showing that there is no respect.. It doesn't matter what he'd say, what his reasons were. It is done. And I wish you all the strength in the world to see this through, you can do this.
A lot of people still stay in your circumstances, mostly because of money. But seriously, we only have one life to life, living it next to someone who absolutely broke your trust and relationship, being next to the wrong person is a horrible way to live a life.

Does everyone know?
Don’t you feel humiliated?
Are you effectively split up and no sex etc but just live under same roof?

It’s hard to do because you valued your marriage and the family life you’d created. You didn’t imagine this for you or your children and you still long for the family you thought you had. And that is so normal.

Allow yourself the grace to grieve the future you thought you were going to have.
Emotions and grief are complicated and logic and reason can tell you one thing, but feelings tell you something else.

You have young DCs so leaving is a big decision. It may well be the right thing to do but you don’t have to decide yet what you want to do. Take your time. Don’t let him rush you. Just say you don’t yet know what you want to do. You need time to process everything and work out what seems best for you. You may decide to stay for now but leave in a few years’ time. The key point is - take your time to work out what suits you. He created this situation and will have to live with the uncertainty.

Thank you so much!
The worst part is I had an idea something was going on but he made me out like I was going crazy after seeing a few phone calls he was sneaking around to make, and then after coming back he still continued and after it all SHE was the one who told me because she said she didn’t know we were still together (I messaged her last month and she told me she doesn’t remember ever speaking to him so she knew we were together as I told her then) then even after her telling me more than enough i still let him come back he said he’d blocked her number etc, last night i went for a walk and I could see him in the spare room as I was walking bath down the road (the only room he’d see me walking back) talking on the phone, in a 2 mins it took me to get back he was pretending to be asleep on the sofa and denied being on his phone at all 🫠

I don’t think uncertainty bothers him, he is so in denial I can’t even bring it up and if I do to get answers it just turns to an argument.
she told me she was done with him and isn’t going to be a Homewrecker and all along I’m 99% sure they’re still speaking

It’s so sad isn’t it what we stay and put up with.
He hasn’t admitted anything, she has and sent me a few screenshots etc but said she didn’t know about me, she did.
Never in a million years did I think id still be contemplating staying after this but here I am because leaving seems so much scarier!

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Firstly, at the moment you are not ‘staying’ you’re in shock dealing with your husband in an active affair. And I’m really sorry but this is clearly still an active affair. Cut yourself some slack, you’re still in the thick of it, you’re not in a position to stay yet if that’s your choice later down the line. This was a mistake I made. You can only make a clear decision on staying, when the affair is over. Obviously of you choose to go, you can do that at any time!

Surviving Infidelity website (a fantastic support) would tell you to do a 180. You need to emotionally detach from him so you can think straight. It is very hard to knock your protector, the man you have trusted for so long off his pedestal but you need to do this to find some clarity. Starting to see the affair for what it is and how bloody cliched and nasty his behaviour is but this takes time. Get yourself a copy of ‘leave a cheater gain a life’ it’s excellent!

At the moment, he is deep in the affair and not willing to let go of the feel goods and ego kibbles. It will take realising you will leave him to shake him out of it, if he’s going to. But that needs to be your decision.

And I’m going to be super clear here. This is not YOUR humiliation to carry. It is HIS. This is his shame not yours! Betrayed partners should be able to make decisions which work best for them.

“Never in a million years did I think id still be contemplating staying after this but here I am because leaving seems so much scarier!”

@Supermom24 - that was my real point. This is all very fresh. You don’t need to decide anything yet. You don’t need to leave yet. Staying for now does NOT mean staying forever. Take whatever time you need. Don’t discuss your plans with him.

Research and plan - if you were to leave, what would you need to have in place (eg income, somewhere to live etc? Perhaps in due course, you ask him to leave? What would your DCs need etc?). Seek advice from people who’ve been there and worked through these things and relevant on-line resources.

Ultimately, you might decide to stay but purely for the economics of it. Or you may choose to leave. But the key thing is you can take your time.

Taking the time is a solid advice - but years? Isn't that too much time being wasted on nothing, next to a partner you have no intention to spend your life with?

That is pretty tough, @Supermom24 . I am just glad that even though you find it difficult, you know what you need to do.

Have some self respect seriously...

I’m assuming you’re not married OP?

PPs are correct that you need some time and distance to make the decision and enact it.

I’m just bloody furious on your behalf, reading about yet another feckless man whose life won’t change a bit if you do split up, while you’re left worse off financially (because you’re the one who couldn’t work full time due to DC and/or had mat leaves) and will be doing the vast majority of childcare in future.

Fucking MEN. One woman/wife is more than they deserve.

Be kind to yourself. It can take a long time to get over major relationships. You cared and trusted him which is why you’re upset. After I found out, there was a long time when I thought about specific incidents and the lies he told - that was painful and helped me feel angry because it told me where his priorities were.

He had an affair which presumably involved lots of lies - it’s totally normal for you not to take everything he says at face value. You aren’t a robot and go can suddenly believe everything he says overnight because he broke your trust and that takes a long time to rebuild (and possibly might not come back) Part of the lies can be saying that the affair is over but keeping in contact- they can justify the contact because it’s not physical or sexual but it’s highly disrespectful and not laying old feelings to rest.

You mention 2 young children. Time to consider getting your ducks in a row and timing things to benefit you and the kids eg if you are currently on maternity leave

From personal experience, the healing didn’t start until he moved out and the worst time was between the affair being exposed and him moving out. I am over what he did but it’s changed me as a person for better and worse.

Yes. Fucking MEN. As opposed to the women who do the exact same. The woman who in a recent thread talked about how 12 of her 17 friends have admitted having affairs. Or the AIBU thread a few days ago where a woman was asking if she should admit having an affair with another man to her unsuspecting husband - with over 70% of them voting to keep it to herself. Etc, etc... So many people are missing backbones, it is horrific. It's Fucking cheaters. Men and Women.

@Spaghettimonsta F off! My life and my decisions! How dare you!

You are correct, it is cheaters. Fair point.

That said, I’ll just do a tally of how many threads there are about men cheating vs women. I mean, I won’t; it’s already abundantly clear.

And my point stands about women being the ones literally left holding the baby.

Yes. Women are left to do everything. I decided that wasn’t me. DDs were in their 20s when the whole story emerged and I told a friend who said her and DH would treat us equally so no support and she wasn’t surprised but did think DH was an idiot. That’s all I told. If my “best friend” was not overly supportive, I could see I was on my own and it didn’t appeal. We have carried on and we have holidays and generally are ok. I respect myself for being a decent person, even if mn thinks I’m wrong. In terms of the OP’s dilemma, I wholly understand. There’s a lot to weigh up and often there’s no one to help and you are truly alone.

On a website called mumsnet, where over 70% users are women, that cannot be a surprise. In the UK, data (YouGov, LieDetector, etc) shows that about 20% of men have cheated on their partners, and 19% of women - that's head-to-head in my book. Wouldn't call that a staggering difference, even if you give it a percent or two regarding people who were not truthful about admitting it. So much for abundant clarity.

Childcare should be divided equally. For sure.

@MeetMeOnTheCorner I totally agree with you, same happened to me at the age of 50. It’s only now I can sort of talk to him normally and I have got to a point that I don’t really care who he goes out with . We have a beautiful home with no money worries and I decided not to give it all up. Do I trust him absolutely not , do I wish things were different yes but all I will say it’s easy to say to people to leave when it’s not them losing everything. If I was younger I would probably asked him to leave though . Think carefully through all your options, so sad another family broken up by an affair .

Does everyone know?
Don’t you feel humiliated?
Are you effectively split up and no sex etc but just live under same roof?

Everyone knows, including our children.
The humiliation is his to carry.
We are fully reconciled and have a full and happy marriage.

It is not popular on MN to stay with someone who has cheated but after a year separated and seeing his willingness to change and grow, I decided to take the risk. Now, it is just part of the story of a long marriage.

That said, I’ll just do a tally of how many threads there are about men cheating vs women. I mean, I won’t; it’s already abundantly clear.

This is a female dominated site, you aren't going to get many men here asking what to do when their partner cheats. The men who cheat are mostly cheating with women, odds are that they also have partners they are also cheating on.

Everyone is allowed to shape their lives how they see fit, they can let it go whatever way, good, bad, waste it, mess it up, even. All I would say that at the end of the road, on your deathbed, you will not think back of how great it was not to be willing to leave that nice house for all those years, or what a fantastic decision it was to hang onto the street with that mortgage-free house. What matters at the end of the day is the quality of life, the laughs, the joy, the warmth, who you shared it with, your loved ones. And at that point you would have spent a good portion of your life sharing your living space with someone you are - in best-case-scenario - detached from, - worst-case scenario: completely despise, actively hate. If that is the price to pay so one can afford the premium sourdough bread instead of the boring bloomer, I would want none of it. Leaving the fancy house, taking your side of the money and having to be somewhere smaller as a result, but not having to be with someone who actively chose to betray you, your trust and everything you guys built together? Yeah, that would be fair to me. Being on your own will always and forever trump being with the wrong person - and in this case, it's not even being "with", it's being next to, in the same living space. I keep saying this, but we have one life to live, and spending it this way is well, definitely a choice. Taking away the possibility to find happiness on your own, or heck, even build something new with someone, if that is something important.

And don't forget children - When there are kids in the picture too, don't think this setup is not damaging them. Growing up in a setup where it's normalised that their parents dont love each other, please don't think they don't sense the nuances of it. Heck, if they grow up with this as normal, it could lead to them living a life like that later on. And ask yourself, in all honesty, would you suggest to your own child to stay put in a relationship like that? No, no you would not. Yes, daughter, stay with that serial cheater pig, at least you get to go to Italy every Summer.

I don't think she didn't know about you, I think she tried to bounce a decision by sending you the proof, either thinking you'd chuck him out or he'd leave. Obviously that hasn't happened because they rarely leave unless they're forced too, it's too comforting to have the cosy home life and the sexy forbidden fun at the same time, cake-eating dopamine babies that they are.

I'd line up those ducks and play it as cool as I could on the surface, whilst planning long-term for just you and the kids. It won't change.

Why don’t you direct that anger at your husband instead?