Struggling to leave after finding out my partner had an affair

[Supermom24]

Has anyone else found out their partner is having an affair and they really struggle to let go? I thought emotional but I think it’s way more than that
I know in my heart of hearts I need to walk away but I never in a million years knew it was so hard to do that!!
we have a house together (brought) and 2 young DC, I just need a handhold and someone to make me feel normal that I’m struggling so much to let go.
although ive been told its all done and dusted I know they are still in contact but I can’t prove that i just know as things don’t add up but why am I finding it so hard to leave?

@exhaustDAD - “Taking the time is a solid advice - but years? Isn't that too much time being wasted on nothing, next to a partner you have no intention to spend your life with?”

My post was unclear. I didn’t mean plan now that you will leave in a few years’ time (although actually i think that’s valid) but more that OP might feel she can stay but find in a few years’ time that she can’t. The key point is that this is all very fresh and OP shouldn’t be pressurising herself to rush to a decision or berating herself for taking her time.

You are only 50? You could have another 30/40 years of being treated this way and living this way.

@Supermom24 sorry to hear what you are going through. You are still.in shock. Give yourself a little time to decide what it is you want to do, what support you will need etc. Don't keep asking him questions as he is refusing to answer and turning it in to arguments. Try and gather whatever evidence you can, keep it recorded, start getting al your important documents together. Believe it or not you will get some great support here despite those who are bickering or making it about themselves, ignore them

Also just to add. The husband is the one breaking up the family because he had an affair, not the wife deciding she is not going to accept it.

You should not be the one leaving the family home xx

If you’ve only just found out, then it’s hard to get your head around it. It’s a big decision to leave as it will impact everyone’s life; it’s ok to take a minute to come to grips with it.

However, just because it’s hard to leave doesn’t mean it isn’t the right decision.
It took me a year.

No not married!
Brought the house August last year so not long ago at all.

oh honestly I’m one of those girls who could of honestly said he 100% wasn’t the type, well at least I thought he wasn’t and he’s proved me wrong. It’s still going on now, he wanted to make it work and she was disgusted that he’d been lying to her and living a double life so she told me and all along she’s carried on entertaining him as well.

I haven’t been able to work properly for years due to him working full time, doing his own hobbies, and now looking after DC around his affair too. Totally totally unfair!!

I can't speak for Meet but Spaghetti's comment was under the belt. Betrayed partners often feel, in the initial stages after disclosure or discovery, a great deal of humiliation and shame. The common narratives around 'I'd never stay with a cheater' and 'At least I have my self-respect' can, albeit well-intentioned, create pressure in such a high-stakes situation, and at worst feel like victim blaming. When a betrayed partner wants nothing more than being safe in the comfort of their own home to process what is happening, being told 'Well, I'd just leave!' can feel awful. Betrayed partners' self-esteem is commonly already at rock bottom following learning of an affair; decision-making is hard, and having one's 'failure' to pack the cheater's bags or leaving to stay with one's parents / friends (where emotional processing will be public at a time when most will want, more than ever, to have privacy) highlighted by a comment like Spaghetti's, whether the affair is fresh as in OP's case or historic as in Meet's case, stings. It was neither necessary nor compassionate.

DAD, I've seen you on other threads on this topic, and I'm sorry for what you experienced. I agree that the best version of our lives probably aren't spent living along side the people who hurt us in the most cruel ways any longer than necessary. Our death bed reflections most likely won't rest on how great it was to dedicate another 30 years to the cheating spouse. But we might dwell on how such a decision has facilitated other things to take shape. I'm staying put for now, still hurting like mad following my spouse's disclosure of an emotional affair a year ago. Like PP's have suggested, I'm still processing and figuring out what I want. My partner is very grateful, feeling he's had a second chance and is in full reconciliation mode. Good for him. I'll let him know what the future holds when I'm good and ready -I've given myself no time limits or 'shoulds' or hypothetical scenarios. I refuse to be hurried out of or into any part of my life (including my home), for any reason. For me, this period has allowed the dust to settle, and for me see things more clearly (myself, him and, to an extent, her) to feel like I'm in charge of what happens next. I have a very different suite of choices now than I would have had if I'd thought of leaving last year, and I'm glad I have given myself the gift of time. It's got nothing to do with revenge being a dish best served cold, because I'm not interested in revenge, only for an outcome that will benefit the greatest number of people the most. I've thought of it a little like working a shitty job for a limited period until you're able to achieve 'the thing' you were aiming for all along. It's just going to be a bit different to how we first imagined it. But nobody will have died, and we'll still be reasonably amicable.

It's never a good idea to sacrifice your earnings to accommodate a boyfriend, you have no legal protections in place.

Is your name on the house deeds? You'll need to seek employment and plan where you'll live if the house sells. Give the cheater the same level of care he's given to you.

@iamnotalemon Are you stupid as to think I didn’t? Of course I did!

@BlanketWeed it’s perhaps different when you are older. There’s so much change and nowhere to go! No parents left and why should I give up my home? I agree that we do at least need some understanding and friendship. It’s in short supply!

@MeetMeOnTheCorner calling me stupid? That’s funny.

@MeetMeOnTheCorner the comments you’ve had levelled at you are infuriating. How dare you choose an outcome that works for you atm?! But it’s standard MN. Tbf when I joined here many years ago, I was glad I’d found surviving infidelity first, which is far more understanding of why people stay or leave. I couldn’t believe the constant shout downs, trying to belittle and shame the victims of infidelity who choose to stay, I’m glad I’m seeing less of it and more empathic and supportive replies but you still get them.

@Sunshinemoonlightboogie I agree. There’s nothing like other women being judgemental and horrible! The other big aspect I considered was what my DH would actually do with his share of our assets. They are considerable. He spends a lot on cars and would probably have spent money on keeping another woman in a very good standard of living. I’d rather stop that scenario and make sure our DDs got our money, not some random woman. In the years between his last woman (it’s definitely not ongoing) we have continued to give money to DDs to reduce IHT. We have written wills and both of us leave everything to DDs and property is in trust for each other. I’ve taken steps to ensure this family keeps what it’s got. If he really wants to go, he would have gone but ultimately it was too much trouble and he would have to be fully in love - he wasn’t.

We have put a lot behind us and financially I’m very secure and so are DDs. They knew their father would spend, spend, spend and they know why I’m still here. DD is getting married this year and her father will have the traditional role but ultimate trust has gone but we have a certain amount of compensation. He’s no great winner in this.

@MeetMeOnTheCorner
"We have put a lot behind us and financially I’m very secure and so are DDs. They knew their father would spend, spend, spend and they know why I’m still here. "

That's tough.. Do you not think that growing up in this setup has an impact on how your DDs view the world, relationships, etc? Money is one thing, I get it, it's a point people keep hammering on about... but, hand on heart, be honest - If your DD would be in the same situation as you, could you honestly advise your DD to stay in such a relationship?

@Supermom24 they are always the ones you think won’t cheat. Don’t blame yourself , I am a lot older than you had I been younger I may have left but truth be known I was scared of losing my security. I was looking after my mum when I found out who sadly died this February.

@exhaustDAD They might not but they don’t have what I have in terms of wealth. They will eventually and they then will make the decisions they need to make. Hopefully never. DD1 earns double her dh and she’s a divorce barrister. They are their own people and have their own views and I’m not about to tell them what they should do. They would be devastated of course.

Of course, nobody would want to tell their adult kids what they should do (well, at least they shouldn't). And that is excellent that they are secure financially, that's what we all wish for our children..
But, we are talking hypotheticals. She sits down with you, having a heart-to-heart. For one reason or another, the exact same situation as yours, and she asks - "What do you think I should do, mum?" What is your answer to that?

It really is hard and trying to process it all is difficult.
that’s really reassuring, I suppose I need to remind myself even if I don’t leave right now it doesn’t mean I never can x

@exhaustDAD As you say, weight it up. We’ve had the discussion once don’t forget - about me. They have accepted my decision and it would be theirs but if they are my age, I’m long gone! Age matters too. I was not overly keen on being alone after 40 years of marriage.

Until a few years ago, I’d have kept any opinion on this kind of thing to myself, but now I’d say if you do decide to stay, be prepared he may well do it again. As a cautionary tale, an amazing woman I know chose to forgive and forget when the first affair was discovered, husband swore he’d never stray again. 25 years later, it was discovered that he’d been having an affair with someone else for over 20 years. By which stage the woman was in her seventies. No longer able to deal with any more of the husbands bullshit, she divorced him but it’s a lot of upheaval for someone later in life and they’re now so mistrusting it’s proving difficult for them to move on and enjoy life. The children in the relationship also struggle with self worth and what a healthy relationship looks like, I know because I am one of those children. Please put yourself and your children first here and gather the strength to leave.

My DDs don’t rely on me for self worth! They demonstrate they have that in spades!

Go to counselling my lovely, the right thing is fucking hard, but you can do it, you just don’t realise yet x

@MeetMeOnTheCorner I can only share my own experiences, being in a household where this kind of thing was accepted massively affected me and my relationships.

You are really doing your best to deny any damage such a lifestyle can cause. Your daughters don't rely on you for self-worth, but they grew up in your presence, they absorbed patterns of behaviour, examples of how to view the world, their relationships. you shaped them growing up. Whatever we choose to do and not do, everything shapes our children. If you can't admit that what you chose to do has downfalls and effects, but keep repeating that you are comfortable financially, there's nothing else to say.

I have a mom like you. Did the exact same thing. To this day she doesn't realise how much it skewed the way my siblings and I view our relationships. It's not great.

Oof, this hits hard, agreed, @exhaustDAD
"And ask yourself, in all honesty, would you suggest to your own child to stay put in a relationship like that? No, no you would not. Yes, daughter, stay with that serial cheater pig, at least you get to go to Italy every Summer."