Struggling to leave after finding out my partner had an affair

[Supermom24]

Has anyone else found out their partner is having an affair and they really struggle to let go? I thought emotional but I think it’s way more than that
I know in my heart of hearts I need to walk away but I never in a million years knew it was so hard to do that!!
we have a house together (brought) and 2 young DC, I just need a handhold and someone to make me feel normal that I’m struggling so much to let go.
although ive been told its all done and dusted I know they are still in contact but I can’t prove that i just know as things don’t add up but why am I finding it so hard to leave?

Ok. Don't flame me for this. And this is just an alternative perspective not necessarily my own view.

In days gone bye it was very common for wives to turn a blind eye to mistresses. I am absolutely not saying you should. That is up to you. I am not sure I could.

But it did (and does) happen and people made it work. I suspect that what made it work was the evident commitment of both main parties to the family so that the man's (it was always the man) relationship did not threaten the family.

Normally I'd say in your situation that he was just a bad apple and that you were just a bad chooser but sometimes historical parallels are sometimes useful and may offer a route forward depending on your own feelings.

@Supermom24 you have just found out that the person you thought you where building a life with has kicked you in the c**t, it’s the worst thing anyone can do to you but you are probably going to naturally want to try and hold it all together as it destroys your family unit as you know it, it’s hard to think that life could be better or different but be careful not to end up being the forgiving home maker that gets walked all over because you are worth way more than that. If he’s done it once, he’ll do it again.

At the very least you need to get back to work.
You have so few options being so dependent and unmarried.
Have you familyband friends that might support you?

I personally couldn’t live like this myself and
3 have 3dc and if my partner cheated that would be it

It’s one thing for them to humiliate you, but it’s another to sit back and wait for more when they do it time and time again;

We all deserve better than this and people need to raise their standards so these awful people don’t think this is acceptable.

Sorry for anyone going thru this.

@DreamOnDreamOnDreamOn They didn’t know about anything when they were growing up. Stop telling me you know my DDs better than I do. You do not. This came to light after they were adults and living independently. I have brought them up very well thanks. They are not you.

There are more than one person on this thread who have first-hand experience being raised in an environment like that. They/We all say it is damaging and was bad for us, and we still carry the difficulties coming from it to this day. But sure, I will take your word for it, if you say so, your daughters are the clear exception, clearly. I am sure such life-altering things had no effect on them whatsoever.

You are so unwilling to consider that you may have done something that does not benefit your children that it is embarrassing. I am sure financial stability is all that it takes to raise them well. What a joke.

I don't need to know your daughters personally to know that it has had an effect on them, one way or another. Because everything around kids, especially about their parents has a strong effect on them. That's just biology and developmental psychology. Try some self-reflection or critical thinking sometimes, it does wonders.

I totally get where you are coming from@MeetMeOnTheCorner it’s very easy for people to judge having no idea of the situation you may be in by leaving - not everyone has tons of assets or poles of savings or inheritances or incredibly well paid jobs and whatever your situation you must do what’s right for you - I’m in my 60sand now several couples who don’t split for a whole variety of reasons -

@DreamOnDreamOnDreamOn Life altering for them? How? They have just carried on with their successful lives. DH is giving DD1 away at her wedding. We are all adults and have made our own decisions and don’t need keyboard psychologists.

@Crikeyalmighty It amazes me that people know more about my life than I do. I only came on to give a different perspective to the op! Yet my life is now the star attraction! Everyone considers their own circumstances and that’s means we don’t all do the same thing.

We get it. They are so-so successful, it's off the charts. You only went out of of your way to highlight how successful they are in every second post you made. I think we get it by now. Good jobs. We get how important money is for you.
I don't think I can explain to you how things like that can shape the way you look at the world. I am probably not even half as successful as your DDs, so how could I?

You are right. We are all different. Enjoy sharing your life with someone who betrayed you repeatedly and who you are totally detached from in exchange for that nice family home. It's not the size of the house that makes it a family home, by the way, but the love and warmth inside, but that's unimportant, it's not a price tag. I am sure your successful DDs are proud of their mother for refusing to leave their cheating father for purely monetary gains. That's success in a way I guess. While the rest of us will continue to live our less-successful lives with either someone actually worthy of our love and partnership, or simply the peace of not being with someone we despise.

I wouldn't be so uppity about being the centre of attention if I were you @MeetMeOnTheCorner , maybe it's because what you say just sticks out to people as something off. Maybe your own best friend didn't really offer "support" because it's off, and not because she is a shit friend. You know what they say: When everything in traffic is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.

@DreamOnDreamOnDreamOn What a lovely supportive women you are! Who would want a friend like you?

I will forever advocate that women leave men who cheat on them, even if takes time, but I have no illusions at all that it’s likely the hardest thing they will ever do. I can’t even imagine.

Know that you can still decide you are leaving but are under no rush to do so. Take your time, make your plans, get yourself in order.

Your bitterness is showing.

Let’s not pretend that marriage and relationships are economic decisions for women. We may not like it, but that’s the way it is. A woman does not have to be ruled by romance if she chooses not to be. She can very well still live her life with dignity if it’s on her terms.

That is literally what I am speaking against. For women to turn relationships into economic decisions. It's 2026, we really shouldn't. It's just sad. Not wanting to be with someone, but choosing to stay because the house is just all too nice. How much dignity is in that? Not the case for everyone, but those who otherwise could make do but choose to stay because it beats working or having a smaller home are just lazy.
Am I bitter? very. Do you know why? Witnessing a hateful relationship between my parents, just because my mom would have done anything but move to a potentially smaller property. Because nothing was more important to her than clinging to that bloody property in the posh post code. Losing respect for her for sacrificing everything for convenience and pretentiousness. I will never forgive how little foresight she had to subject me and my brother and sister to all of it. None of us came out without issues, and we are being told that we should be grateful that had expensive clothes growing up. And to this day, all she sees is the benefit of leeching off my dad's high salary. That's all that mattered, always. That's why I am bitter and sensitive about it.

Because real support is to always cheer each other on no matter what nonsense the other person is doing, just because we are all women. That is called a cult.

I get that this is personal for you, but you’re turning a complex set of situations into a moral caricature.

Staying in a relationship for practical reasons doesn’t automatically mean someone is lazy, lacking dignity, or “just clinging to a house.” People make trade-offs all the time – sometimes imperfect ones – based on stability, finances, children, health and, yes, housing.

Also, criticising women in these situations as if it’s just vanity or convenience ignores how constrained some people actually are once you look past the surface. You’re entitled to your feelings about your own experience, but that doesn’t make your generalisation about other women fair or accurate.