Marriage and money - do you share?

[wordsmith]

At the risk of revealing my sandal-wearing tofu-eating credentials [not], did anyone read this article about marriage and money in the Guardian earlier this week, together with follow-up letters today? I thought it was fascinating - and amazing that so many married couples don't seem to share their finances equally - especially once they've had kids! It's as if giving up paid employment/going part time to look after children doesn't seem to equate to the world of work. What do other mners think?

DP and I have a joint account which we both pay the same amount into each month. This pays the mortgage, bills, nanny & food. We then both have our own separate accounts which cover our personal expenses except I also pay for the broadband, sky, nursery fees, all DD's expenses and anything that I don't feel is right to come out of the joint account (or rather that I will be nagged to death about unless I say I paid for it myself). I also have a secret offshore account (bwah hah hah) as we are not married and DP doesn't want to get married. As I have none of the financial guarantees that married women have should he die or leave me I feel this is sensible, but a bit sad really that I have to do it .

On the subject of spending. DH enters all our receipt details into a spreadsheet. And it is true I spend a lot more than him and always have a bunch of receipts. But this is because I do the online grocery shopping, I have to put petrol into my car (plus other costs tyres, servicing etc) whereas DH's is a company car with private fuel, I buy all presents for family plus for parties DS goes to, the children's clothes, need cash for their activities etc etc. However I think that if it came down to itemising DH would probably spend more on himself than me but not by that much.

I find it shocking to discover that so many women are apparently devalued by their husbands for the work they do raising the children and looking after a home, and are put on an allowance.

I earn a tiny fraction of what dh earns and yet we share. Though in my head I still think of it as dh's money, he always corrects me and says it is OUR money and that I should never feel bad about spending it. He also helps with the kids and the house when he's around. And he has no sense of entitlement about being the breadwinner. He doesn't say: "Ok, now I'm going to go shooting in the country with my mates while you stay home and mind the kids AGAIN," as my neighbor does with his wife on a regular basis.

I've given up A LOT, including a promising career which is only now beginning to get back on track, to move away from my home country and have dh's babies. I found housewifedom and motherhood quite soul-destroying at first, too, and it would have been more so if my dh had put me on a short financial leash, as though he owned me.

That said in a way he owns me now, doesn't he? I admit to a sense of humiliation in being "kept." It's very much a catch 22 in my mind. My blood boils, for example, when MIL thanks ONLY dh when we BOTH take her out for a meal. But, in response, I distance myself from her, and from anyone else who makes me feel that I don't pull my own weight. Because anyone who spends a day in my life knows full well that I DO--and then some.

marialuisa? WTF? The consultant I mean! I suppose people must marry someone like that knowing what they're like though (didn't the journalist make the point that the women were getting something back (in their eyes) from being married to such outdated pigs).

We pool everything/ share everything- mainly debts at the moment My MIL does come out with stupid comments all the time about dh being the breadwinner though. The time when she said to dh "yes you need to go to bed and rest because you're the breadwinner" had dh rolling on the floor with laughter as he said my head almost exploded. (I stood up and kind of shoted "right I'm off to bed" before marching out of the room. skivvy! Dh knows I have the harder job..... when he looks like he's forgetting I leave him alone with the children for a day

i actually have the majority of money paid into my account. all that goes into dh account is his IB and DLA, which in total is under £400 a month. we use his account for emergencies and 'fun' money. The kids DLA goes on clothes etc for them, and treats, the money i get pays bills and food etc. but even then i can usually treat myself/kids/dh with a bit of it as well.

Not read article, but as soon as DH and I married, we shared all our finances and had joint accounts. TBH, even before then we shared everything anyway.

Dh and I are quite old fashioned in stuff like that I think. We went into marriage believing that it actually did mean that we would share all our assets (and debts!!!) as a married couple.

I can't believe some of these people in this day and age ! I'm a sahm to 4 children; my choice. We have a joint a/c into which a fixed sum is paid monthly out of dh's business a/c. We sat down and worked out how much I'd need to "keep the show on the road" - food, children's clothes ,treats, petrol, bills, miscellaneous items, everything really. I don't feel "kept" because I know dh respects what I do; we agree it's best for our children to have me around, and I feel lucky to have the choice. We try to have as much family time as possible at the weekends. BUT I wouldn't have done it this way if I weren't respected, or if he was the controlling type who ate better food than me "because he could afford it". What a pig !!

expatkat - about dh 'owning' you in a way - no, not at all! The way I see it, without you he would not be able to have a family and earn as much as he does. I'm the only earner in our marriage and the fact that dh does the lion's share of the housework and cooking - as well as studying for his doctorate - enables me to put that extra bit of energy into my job which improves my prospects for later on. (BTW, he's perfectly happy with the arrangement - he loves cooking and I'm not keen, so that doesn't seem like 'work' to him at all, we share washing-up, I do the laundry and he cleans. As he does most of the shopping too, due to being able to drive and having a more flexible day, it does work out as him doing significantly more). He will stay at home with the baby at first (after my stat mat leave) but I certainly think we'll swap roles later on. I might be naive (or just very lucky), but actually don't see the fact that the money is coming in through my work as relevant to any sort of power balance - I mean, he keeps me fed and the flat clean, which is just as essential to day-to-day living. And apart from anything else he makes me so happy that I have enough energy and strength for work in the first place . My view is what's mine (including my pay cheque) is his and what's his is mine.

Share it.

Like NotQuiteCockney, the only drawback is that if one buys a gift or organises a treat, it's not really from them (well, it is because it's their thought and effort) because it's just out of pooled money. Because I 'hold the purse strings' generally, in the sense that I manage the finances and say 'we need to cut back a bit to pay for x' or 'we've doing OK this month', dh doesn't feel he can just go out and buy me something.

That's a small issue though. DH works and I work freelance in the evenings while being a SAHM to 3 boys under 4. All the money, wherever it comes from, goes into one account from which all the bills are paid and which we can both access as we please.

I don't really understand why people would complicate things by doing it any other way.

Yes, dh earns stacks more than I do but before I gave up work it was the other way around. It's just not as simple as you earn £x and he earns £y - we each contribute lots of other different things that don't have a financial attachment to them.

Ditto Hulababy

Ditto Hulababy & Gobbledigook

We both have separate accounts, but we both work. We both earn a fair bit so just spend what we want to each month and then have a sweep from our individual accounts into a savings account which is joint.

We would use the savings account for any really big purchases such as a new car or a particulaly expensive holiday.

Everything else is just paid by one or other of us depending on who happens to pick up the bill on that occaision

It seems to work well but not sure how I would feel about it if one of us didn't work - we;d probably have to come up with something a bit more structured!

And before I get jumped on I meant 'work outside the home' - I'm firmly of the opinion that I have a much easier ride than some SAHM's and wouldn't wish to suggest otherwise

We have two accounts. DH gets rent money and pays the babysitter out of that and has some private spending money left over. I use my account for everything else and we have a joint savings account for any extra that happens along.

We both retained our old accounts and set up a joint account. We pay into the account a standing order according to how much we earn - it was originially 60-40 but now it's 50-50 (yeah - I caught up!). The joint account covers every ordinary expense (including ds stuff) and then we have our own money to spend on what we like. Luxuries (meals out etc.) we treat each other to with our own money, and of course all our own books, clothes etc. we pay with our own money.

It's strange - people have said why make it complicated, and I agree. To us ours is the most straight forward system possible. I would find having just one account between the three of us very confusing!

When we were both working we had a joint account which we contributed to in proportion to our earnings. I earned 2/3 of dh's salary, so I paid into the joint account 2/3 of the amount he did. I am a big believer in having your own money which is yours to do with as you please without having to justify what you frittered your cash on.

Since dh stopped working to be a SAHD we still have the joint account. We've worked out how much we need each month, and I put a little more than that in (to allow for unexpected expenses) The rest is split between the two of us. I get a bit more, in recognition of the fact that I have the expenses of working (transport, lunches etc) though this amounts to about £50 per month more. DH gets his 'beer money' direct into his account each month. I would never question what he does with it, it's entirely his. On occasions, wherever there is a shortfall, money get shuffled around between the three accounts, depending on who is the most flush that month.

It works for us. we both have financial independance of a sort, the bills all get paid, and no one is discriminated against.

we have never had the luxury of this decision. he worked whilst i looked after smelly babies - the money just managed to pay the bills - and that wasn't all the time. when my twins were 1 eldest then around 4, he told me i had to get a job becuase we just wernt managing - he sorted childcare out with his mum - eldest was in school - my mum agreed to pick him up - and off to pack disney posters for 2p a tube ( think about that next time you buy em!) then OUR wages went to pay bills and debt and its been that way ever since

curently we both still owe nearly 10k in student loans..bastards

the point is we never saw it this way

dh works and I stay at home with the kids. I control all the money. Although he has a credit card he has no access to cash and has to ask me for money - even small change! It was him who wanted it that way as he isn't good with money. We never ever have any arguments about money even in times when we've been quite poor. I am a cheap wife to 'keep' though as I don't fritter money away. I prefer reading library books in my spare time which costs nothing.

I think too much emphasis is placed upon earnings and not upon the non monetory input given by a parent (usually the wife) such as all the love and attention given to children. After all the husband 'benefits' from this too by having happy, healthy children to come home to.

Up until last year, dh worked full time and earned loads more, and I worked p/t and earned much less, so we shared, as I looked after the kids too. We didn't work it out equally... we just have all our money in a metaphorical pot and dip into it whenever either of us wants to until it runs out. Then we argue about who's spent what, lol.

Then when I started uni, I ended up getting huge loans, grants and a busary, plus CTC and WTC which worked out to be much more than I thought I was entitled too, so I resented dh thinking it was a pot that he could dip into and requested that we manage on our seperate finances (this was because I thought I'd gotten too much and would have to pay it all back, and he's got a spending problem!!).

Now I'm not working at all until Sept. when I go back to uni, so I think dh and I should share again :-) Well actually we have to unless we miss half the bills and I starve, as I've got nothing coming in...

My parents do the "you owe me £1.50" thing and it has always drove me mad. Grrr!! But I suppose it works for them.

We don't share - dp is far too tight for that. He works ft and earns loads more than me so he pays the mortgage and the bills, and what's left over is his to do as he wants with.
I work pt and pay for food, birthday and Christmas presents, shoes, clothes etc. and I used to pay for childcare when we needed it. And I don't have anything left over.
Dp won't share - his view is that if he's earned it he's entitled to it and if I'm at home with the children and not earning then that's my business. He doesn't value stay at home mothers - thinks we should all be superwomen who work all day then come home to cook tea, do washing, ironing etc. And he's a social worker with a degree in sociology and womens studies!

But then you would still have to pay childcare eh BadHair so even if you were doing the same hours for the same money as him you would be worse off? Not very fair but it sounds like you already realise that.

please don't take offence here, BadHair, but why are you with a man like that?

I just don't understand how a man can be married, but basically expect to carry on living like a bachelor while his wife has to do all the drudgery for no reward.