Marriage and money - do you share?

[wordsmith]

At the risk of revealing my sandal-wearing tofu-eating credentials [not], did anyone read this article about marriage and money in the Guardian earlier this week, together with follow-up letters today? I thought it was fascinating - and amazing that so many married couples don't seem to share their finances equally - especially once they've had kids! It's as if giving up paid employment/going part time to look after children doesn't seem to equate to the world of work. What do other mners think?

and MIl had to cheek to complain to SIl that it was very unfair that when DH was working, that his wages came in and when straight on the bills, and he was left with nothing, which wasn't true as I had CTC, child benifit, Carers allowence and the kids DLA which was our food and spending money. DH always had money!

My Dp is totally hopless with money and never knows where it goes. As he is now a SAHD I pay the mortgage and all the bills and whats left (not a lot) is divided into 4 equal parts so that I know how much money we have per week. Each week I put the house keeping money into Dps account to pay for food and weekly expences and we share what is left over which at the moment is nothing at all. Id be so happy if dp would take some control over our money but he doesnt seem to know how or even want to as last time I gave him all the housekeeping money at the beginning of the month he had it spent in two weeks (and didnt even know what on) and we had to go into OD for the rest of the month. When he was earning we paid into a joint account for bills etc and both had our seperate money but his was always gone within two weeks so I cant see him ever changing. But I love him anyway

We have three accounts. Mine, His and Joint. Since I work full time and earn more than he does I guess I support DH!! However we work it out that approx £1300 goes intot the joint account every month and ALL bills, mortgage, food etc comes out of there. Individual things are paid for by each of us, so I pay out of MY money my life insurance/pension, MY mobile phone bill, Clothes etc. He pays for SKY TV as it is his treat(!!) HIS mobile/pension etc. Then if he is working full time he pays for childcare out of his earnings/bank account.

When he isn't working full time he usually earns about £180 a week, £45 goes on childcare (actually he owes me for this 1/2 term!) and the rest is his. I think it is fairish as we both have approx the same amount of OWN money to spend. If he is earning more he'll pay for petrol in the car or a meal out. We both borrow money from each other all the time and usually forget to pay it back!! (£10 here and there)

All in all as long as enough goes in the joint acc to cover bills then I am happy. I do pay more towards the kids, like swimming lessons and clothes, but it kind of ends up fair.

I wouldn't want ALL money to be pooled, neither would I want totally separate accounts. I just can't believe those stories in that feature it is such a shame. Yes we have arguments about money as I do resent him buying loads of CD's or something, or not putting into the joint account when he's earning, but then he often pays for a holiday or a treat.

DH and I have seperate bank accounts and we don't really know how much the other earns and spends (we don't hide it, just lack of interest and orgaisation). But neither of us think that a SAHP role is worth any less. Pretty amazed to read the Guardian-article!!!

DH and i have separate accounts. My wages are used to buy things for myself and the children mainly and also pay for the mid week shopping of fruit, bread, milk, veg etc.I also pay for a loan that we have just taken out for a car and conservatory. Dh pays all the bills inc mortgage, tv, phone, gas etc... He also pays for 2 big food shops a month. i have only ever had to ask dh for money twice since we got married but have recently realised he leaves money in a tin for me so i dont have to ask him!!!! This way works for us and means if i want a CD i can have it without feeling guilty!!!!

www - I have done what sw did as well though, and in a way so have you and dp now - I don't think it's about assuming that the womans' wages should cover the childcare so much as thinking that the partnership would be better off if the lower paid worker became a SAHP. And I do think that even if a lower paid person really enjoys their job, it is slightly selfish (not to mention a bit silly) to insist on working if it makes you finacially worse off. Having a SAHP in the fami8ly does make things so much easier on a practical level for everyone.

Am I the only one who thinks that £100 a week seems a lot: "That means about £100 a week to buy clothes for herself and her children; to pay for haircuts and mascara; to go to cinemas and parties and zoos. She has holes in her knickers and runs in her Lycra tights. It's far from poverty, but for Annabel, it means an anxious, calculating restraint." If I left work and was a sahm £100 a week would be bliss but there's no way I could afford to spend that much after mortgage, bills etc

We share 50/50 and only have money in a joint account. I let my DH deal with all finances which I suppose is a bit shocking really, but I find it all soooo boring.

When my boyfriend (now husband)and I moved in together, we attempted to have a joint account but it didn't really work as I was self employed and drew my money down quarterly (for tax reasons). So in the end, everything was paid for by my partner and my money ended up being our savings. Now we are married, I have given up work to look after DS and DH's salary goes into our joint account. We both have separate credit cards so we can spend what we like without the other knowing what we've spent and this gets paid automatically from our joint account. Money has never been an issue and there has always been a great deal of trust between us. My DH is always insisting I spend more on myself!! I am always surprised by how many of my friends do have separate bank accounts from their partners, esp when they start arguing over who owes what when coming to settle a restaurant bill! It works for us but I can see that it wouldn't work for everyone.

I am a SAHM and DH works full time. His wages get paid into our joint account and everything gets paid through that. We both have a certain amount each month (can't remember how much!) that comes out of the joint account into our individual accounts to buy our own things. It's not very much - £100 a month or something like that. We've done it like this since we first bought the house - except then we had more "pocket money" as we had my wages too! We don't often argue about money - probably because we have enough for our needs.
I couldn't believe that article when I read it the other day

We have a joint account and have a standing order for a personal allowance into our single accounts for £100 per month.

I earn more than dh but we have the same allowance.

We have a joint account and just take what we need. Dh never buys anything for himself but I buy for myself.

WE have a complicated system of joint and single accounts - I probably pay for a bit more, but then I (supposedly) earn more than DP. I do seem to have more spending money but then I'm not such a spendthrift.

I went to school with the woman who wrote the piece, btw.

I couldn't imagine doing 'his money' and 'my money', and not just because I'm the only earner at the moment (dh is a doctoral student, currently applying for funding). We have a joint account and everything comes out of there. I don't actually have my own account any more, and I've got access to dh's, which we've really only kept for the overdraft facility for real emergencies (fortunately we've never really had to use it). We do generally ask each other if we want to buy something out of the ordinary but more out of respect for the other as I couldn't imagine either of us saying no, as long as it wasn't something totally ridiculous. Dh sometimes nags me that he thinks we should have a better computer, and we could theoretically afford it, but it's just not on at the moment (we have some debts to relatives from my doctorate/his first degree and our first baby is on the way ) and he knows and accepts that. We've been married for 4 years, together for 7 and I really can't imagine money ever being an issue between us.

we share everything, bills money debts shopping the works, DH has a sep account for when he goes away so he doens't use the main money for bills etc.. Once we have children I can't see much changing as his wages are paid into the joint account and if he's away i'll still need access to the money.

One joint account since we were married. Everything (child benefit, tax credits, DH's full time salary, my part time salary) go into it. Small things we buy without discussion unless we are aware that we have a tight month. More expensive things we budget, priorities, discuss. Earlier in our relationship I was the higher earner. Now our salaries work out at an hourly rate to within a pound of each other but DH has better prospects so will probably pass me at his next review. Thats partly though because I've had two lots of maternity leave and gone part time IMO. DH would get short shrift if he tried to control me.

Having your own credit cards for private purchases (sounds dodgy! I just mean birthday presents and the like) is a good idea as long as they are paid off from joint finances, but what made me cringe reading the articles was the couples (and there was more than one) who seemed quite resigned to the fact that when one of them was broke, the other one would go out socially without them, leaving them sitting at home. Now unless they were going out on a lads/girls night out (ie not something their partner would want to accompany them on anyway), I think that stinks! I can just imagine the scene in the pub, with all the couples together: "Hi X, where's the wife/husband?" "Oh she/he can't afford to come out so I left her/him at home." If that was anyone in my social circle they'd be banished straight away without pausing for a pint!

when we go out (as you say unless it's a lads night/ girlie night) we leave out cards etc.. in doors (DH has a nasty habit of gettin drunk then going to the cash point and using the bill money!) I take the cash out of the bank and DH keeps it in his wallet, I don't like having cash on me when i'm out (mainly cos I don't like havin a purse, and it looks odd if I give DH the money in the pub,) so this way it looks like he's the main earner and i'm a kept woman! lol, Oh if only!

I saw both articles - was stunned by some of the selfishness, but was a bit concerned (especially when I saw today's letters) that people out there think this is something to do with being a merchant banker. can I make it entirely clear that it is not. It is to do with being a tosser! DH is a banker and I know quite a few others. I don;t know a single one who would buy himself a theatre ticket and not his wife, or expect his wife to eat different food. DH and I have one joint bank account and everything else is totally joint. We don't argue about money but he does occassionally sulk when I tell him he can't have an aston martin.

I often hear the women should have a "running away" account just in case things go pear shaped. I've got one - it's got £20 in it. I reckon that it ouwld just about pay for a taxi to my Mum's - so I'm OK on that front.....

Agree with wordsmith - what sort of relationships do these people have?

In answer to the thread question...NO what's mine is mine and what's his is mine .

Keep telling him that the house is mine, the mortgage is his - is that what you mean by sharing .

We have totally diferent accounts. This is because if dp had access to my wages he would see himself as rich, and spend the lot within 3 days .

I earn less than he does, but if I factor in the tax credits, which I recieve, we get about the same.

He pays the rent, gas electric, his loan (which I didnt agree to so refuse to help with) and the phone bill.

I pay council tax, ALL shopping, the water bill, and a loan from 5 years ago (before dp). I also pay for most clothes.

And I will leave him at home if he's got no money, because we both have the same "disposable" income, and I got sick of carrying him all the time.

We do the same hours BTW

Dh and I have seperate accounts. But all direct debits are paid out of my bank account because everything is in my name. Right back at the start when we started living together I worked out how much we need to pay out each month i.e rent, council tax, gas, food etc then rounded it up and divided it by 2. This way we both put in the same amount each month so all bills are paid by us equally. Because the amount is rounded up there is always a little left over, not much, which is put aside to go towards Holidays, christmas etc.
Because we put in X amount each month whatever is left over in our wages after that amount is our money to spend as we want.
It works for us and we're quite happy with our money being spent this way.

He earns it. It goes into a joint account. I spend it. Works quite well.

ditto purple turtle!!!! Exact same situation here!