Divorce or Judiscial separation after 40 years of marriage

[Maddiemet]

I am 64 years of age . Two years ago my husband decided to leave the marital bedroom as he said he felt disrespected and unappreciated. I still don’t know why .

we went to marriage counselling which I felt for him was only ticking boxes and he told councillor he had fallen out of love

He has not given me any money in the last two years but he does pay bills as I am on minimum wage as I job share .

we would have been fourty years married this year and I am absolutely devastated. I have lost everything because of this joint friends , plans for the future .

He has now split house in half put up walls and doors and made a lovely new sitting room upstairs for himself .

He has gone on plenty of trips and got rid of some of my furniture without consultation.

I want to see how I can be financially stable but am told over and over again by solicitors that the only way this can be done is by divorce which willl cost thousands .My husband earns way more than me and can continue earning lge sums as he is a business advisor.

I am in such a dilemma I don’t want to be know as the ex wife. I’m too old now to meet someone else .and I want a Judiscial separation not divorce but don’t know if that is possible. Can’t find a separation group anywhere .

A divorce will cost over 40,000 for the two , I am petrified for myself financially

Are you in England/Scotland or elsewhere?

What assets do you both own?

If you got half the assets can you afford to buy your own house?

Do you need a solicitor or could you attend mediation?

Is he likely to have hidden assets?

I appreciate you are really scared it’s an awful situation to be in. Why do you think he hasn’t pushed for divorce? But he could push for divorce at anytime so it may be better if you take the lead.

Why would it cost over 40k??

64 is not old to start a new happy life, your circumstances are making you feel old. X

I'm so sorry to hear this has happened and it sounds like your husband is being extremely unfair. It sounds like he is not pushing for divorce because he knows that the assets would be (quite rightly) split. If I were you I would look to divorce him and apply for legal aid (I really hope you would be eligible) due to your low wage. Please don't stay in this unhealthy situation as it is not good for your mental health. He has shown you who he is and the fact that he is not supporting you now is shocking. You are entitled to half the martial wealth and half his pensions and you need a solicitor to do some digging to find out exactly what the marital assets are. Be strong and don't accept any less. Living in your own will be better than this and you can build a new and different life xxx

I am in Ireland . He won’t go to mediation . I have been to two solicitors and they are all talking divorce

Thank you so much . It is extremely difficult

Because a solicitor said it would cost 20k each

Thank you it is so unfair and my mental health is effected

Thank you I am going to have to do something I can’t live like this anymore the problem is I still love him . But he is controlling everything

I had a quick Google, just for a rough estimate... in Ireland you can apply for legal aid if you earn less than 18k euros and would only have to make minimum payments. Even if divorce would cost, you would end up being so much better off, mentally and financially. Please be strong and start with citizen's advice. Don't tell him what you're doing as he may try and start to hide assets.

Also, reach out to joint friends and see if they actually know what is going on. He may have told them lies about the situation. It's likely he's seeing someone else. He sounds like an awful, selfish man.

Because there is a sum of money in a post office account I don’t think I am entitled to free legal aid . Even though it is a solidarity account and money should not be taken out for another year and a half or else you lose money

He is a narcissist and very controlling no empathy whatsoever. Apparently according to him he is not the victim and I am not the predators

If it's a decent amount, use it to get divorced. If it's not a decent amount, it won't count towards legal aid. You will get so much more in divorce..

I think I have been left with no choice

Why would it cost so much for divorcing? I got divorced 10 years ago and it was around £5k.
You seem desperately unhappy OP and you deserve better

You need to get divorced and start a new life. Find the best solicitor you can. There's a possibility that you will find out you are better off and he will be worse off. How can you possibly love him when he's shown such a disregard for you and your feelings? He's not the man you thought he was. Love can't exist in a vacuum. You need to find your inner strength and resilience. He's made his choice which is fine. You need to make yours.

Yes you are totally correct . Anxiety levels rising by the day but have no choice . He came back from another one of his trips yesterday. I had to ring him from the other side of the house to say hello which is horrible for me . I was told by him I will talk tomorrow he couldn’t even speak today and he was away for a week

You need to find your backbone and take the initiative. Educate yourself about the divorce process, find a competent divorce lawyer and file for divorce. Usually the one who files is in the driving seat, so I would do so sooner rather than later.

Given that he earns more and owns more assets than you, you will be better off divorced, even if you end up having to pay legal costs.

I don’t know how it works in Ireland, but there must be resources similar to the UK. Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies, family solicitor websites have useful information here - hopefully there are equivalents in Ireland. Is there something like Women'sAid or Citizens Advice Bureau in Ireland?

I bet you’ll feel better and more confident once you move forward and set the divorce process in motion.

So sorry OP but you're no longer married except in name only. I can only imagine he's not divorced you because he doesn't want to share assets, which you are entitled to. Get the divorce, spend the money if you have to. It will be worth it.

I'm also in the middle of a divorce in Ireland. When we originally split I went to see a family law solicitor in my nearest city and the costs were terrifying and I would have needed to pay retainers throughout the process which I wouldn't have been able to afford.

I eventually went with a solicitor from my home town and I'm paying at the end when everything is settled.

I went to mediation first and I really wouldn't advise it. It isn't suitable when one party has access to all the money and is being financially abusive.

You need to get started on the process as pensions are going to be a big issue for you.

It's a horrible thing to be going through. I think it's scarier because we've had divorce for such a short time and nobody knows a lot about it. You are welcome to message me if you like.

Why are you the one calling him to say hello when he gets home? Save your energy to get your ducks in a row for divorce. Your life will be so much better with him out of your life.

Thank you so much and yes I might message you at some stage

You are so right