Divorce or Judiscial separation after 40 years of marriage

[Maddiemet]

I am 64 years of age . Two years ago my husband decided to leave the marital bedroom as he said he felt disrespected and unappreciated. I still don’t know why .

we went to marriage counselling which I felt for him was only ticking boxes and he told councillor he had fallen out of love

He has not given me any money in the last two years but he does pay bills as I am on minimum wage as I job share .

we would have been fourty years married this year and I am absolutely devastated. I have lost everything because of this joint friends , plans for the future .

He has now split house in half put up walls and doors and made a lovely new sitting room upstairs for himself .

He has gone on plenty of trips and got rid of some of my furniture without consultation.

I want to see how I can be financially stable but am told over and over again by solicitors that the only way this can be done is by divorce which willl cost thousands .My husband earns way more than me and can continue earning lge sums as he is a business advisor.

I am in such a dilemma I don’t want to be know as the ex wife. I’m too old now to meet someone else .and I want a Judiscial separation not divorce but don’t know if that is possible. Can’t find a separation group anywhere .

A divorce will cost over 40,000 for the two , I am petrified for myself financially

There are some things you can be doing now. You have to be living apart for two years in Ireland before you divorce. It doesn't matter if you are under the same roof as long as you are not a couple.

Document the timeline as accurately as you can. Eg. when he moved to a separate room, when he made changes to the house.

You need to file an Affadavit of Means as the first step so get all you financial paperwork in order. Everything you own, a detailed budget of your spending and any info you have on his finances.

Having all your ducks in a row will save a lot of time when you start proceedings.

I will thank you such a huge step to take mentally and financially

You feel this way because he is dominationg you and has done for years. He has destroyed your ego. I got divorced at 60 OP, not my choice but my gosh what I have enjoyed since then! You deserve to be happy in your own way with your own friends and activities, whatever they are. You are entitled to half of everything built up during your long marriage. Take hold of yourself and your life OP. You can do it!!!

I am so sorry that you are being treated this way. You say you still love him but I suspect you love the man he once was and not this controlling nasty person you now share a house with. At 64 you still have a lot of life left to live and they could be your best years yet. Do not waste them on this scumbag. Speaking to someone in Ireland who's already gone through the divorce process would be really beneficial for you IMO. Good luck.

OP, contact women's aid and find out about coercive control.

This is exactly what I was thinking. He sounds abusive and you deserve help and support.
Women's aid maybe able to help you and offer legal advice at the same time. You deserve to be free.
I imagine he would like to keep you exactly where you are so he never has to give you half of everything and he will spend it all in the meantime.
Expect him to ramp up the nastiness if you do anything he is not expecting.

You have plenty of happy and productive life in front of you. I've been on my own since I was the same age as you are now. It takes a bit of getting used to but in many, many ways I am having a much happier, better and more fulfilled life now.

You can do it, too. Reach out for all available help, follow up the good suggestions from other PPs. You can. Good luck.

He’s financially abusing you. If he’s going on trips etc- where is your share of that money?
Seriously, even if it cost me £20k each, id do it to leave. He has a reason he doesn’t want to legally separate which is likely so he can keep all his assets. He’s not doing that to be kind.
Get legal advice and start the ball rolling. Don’t back down. He will try to bully you. Don’t think you are too old or will only be the ex wife. You have years of happiness left- single or not.

You deserve so much more than this .. this is absolutely disgusting behaviour towards you .
Please dont be scared age is just a number you may have over 20 years of life left ..take this bully for everything he has and start afresh .. how do you know you won't meet someone new , dont have that attitude , think freedom from what you're living in now being happy and emotionally peaceful.
Don't stay in this take all the advice you can you can do this.
Rooting for you xx

I rarely post on here but seeing the support is so lovely. I really hope you’ve had a think about options and seen your worth. It’s definitely a process but one you never regret in the end. You deserve so much better. Men like that are the ones who say “oh it came out of nowhere”.. nope, sometimes women wake and see and believe their worth. Experienced it and seen it with my own mother and grandmother. You are better than this x

Thank you so much all the support here has helped me so much

Divorce can be a horrible and stressful process but by the sounds of it you are living a horrible and stressful existence with him anyway so you may as well go tjrough the process. At least then you will have a light at the end of the tunnel, which currently you dont.. Even if it does cost a lot of money I assume as you are married that you will split whatever assets you have so in the long run you will be better off financially and emotionally. No woman deserves being treated like this OP. Hes only doing what he is doing because he feels in control and obviously knows how powerless you feel. Take that off of him and you take control. You deserve a better life.

I wonder if the two year rule applies if there is financial abuse, as it seems is happening here. Good luck OP, I promise you will feel empowered and happier in the end. I did it myself and times were tough but I can't believe how much happier I am now xxx

You must fall ‘out of love’ with your husband, he’s mean, spiteful and sounds ghastly. 64 is not too old to start again. Work on some of the vocabulary you are using and it sound like your in a ‘pit’ of despair. It doesn’t have to be like this, you could have another 25/30 years 🤗🤗

Im 64 and divorced OP and very happy indeed. You can be too.

You may want to contact Citizens Information (RoI) on 0818 07 4000. They should be able to signpost you to some useful organisations for assistance and support. Best wishes.

Divorce doesn’t need to cost that much. You are entitled to half the assets, you may get more, you are not too old to meet someone else but any claim for financial support will be based on you working full time unless you have mitigating circumstances

A contested divorce in Ireland that goes to court really can cost up to 20 grand each. I tried the mediation route twice to try to save money but my exH just used it to drag things out. It's a big problem for people like me and the OP where one person has access to cash and can afford to be a dickhead and drag things out and the other person can't.

There aren't that many solicitors that deal in family law either. Divorce hasn't been legal for that long in Ireland and it's a difficult process. I genuinely don't know what I would be doing right now if my solicitor wasn't happy to wait until a settlement to be paid.

I find it difficult as well that there's nobody to talk to about the process. I don't know anyone in real life who's been through the system. I'm in my 50s and generally women older than me stayed in their marriages no matter how bad things were.

Ireland is changing a lot for the better but the shadow of old Catholic Ireland is very long.

That is so true and the lack of support regarding separation groups etc . The Samaritans have been of great support thru emails .

You’ll get proceeds of divorce eg half his cash and half the house. This will be more than the cost of the divorce by a long way. You’ll be richer divorced than you are now

I agree that you will be richer in the long run. From the way he sounds, I think he'd succeed in manipulating mediation much more easily than going through a solicitor, so please look into that and even better if you can get legal aid.

You need to realise you’re no longer a couple. I’m not sure he could make it more obvious that physically dividing the house in two. I’m so sorry for you, and I’m sure it’s tough but you need to accept it to move on.

You need to divorce, do it whilst he’s still in work. Chances are even if it is £20000 (which I wouldn’t have thought so), you’ll come away with more than you have now