Wife has moved out and I am struggling to understand why

[Twoboys01]

Hi
My wife has just moved out. She has suffered depression for a few years but thought we were doing ok with it. She fell out with our eldest and hasn’t spoken to him for a few months now. Our youngest is split 50/50 and eldest with me full time. I’m not sure if it’s because of me or our eldest who she doesn’t get on with or depression why she has gone but doesn’t seem right to me? Could also be she’s met someone else which she says she hasn’t.

not sure if anyone has been in this situation before and got any advise? She has also fell out with other family members and doesn’t speak to them anymore either.

There’s very little to go on.

But it sounds like she’s struggling with her mental health. When a mother has carried most of the physical, mental and emotional load for raising children, she can be absolutely exhausted (and have lost any sense of herself) by the teenage years. And these can be the hardest, as teens are difficult to ‘control’ and can be very ungrateful and nasty to parents. Throw in the perimenopause and it can push some women over the edge.

Family fall outs, with people who they’ve always got on with, can be a sign of poor mental health. When unwell, the slightest things can be heightened and raw. People seeming unempathetic or unsupportive, let alone harsh or judgemental, can be very difficult to cope with. People often withdraw because they feel so unloved, so ashamed they’re not coping or worried they’ll say something they’ll regret - or already have.

If you love your wife, suggest couples counselling on the basis you really want to listen and understand how she feels. And find solutions, even if it’s simply as supportive co-parents for now. You may be able to get it for free via the school, who should be told in any case, so they can support the kids, especially the 8yo if he’s struggling.

IMHO, she shouldn’t have rejected your 15yo. That’s unkind and is likely to be very damaging to him - and his little brother. Rebuilding a relationship with him must be a priority, even if it’s just the odd walk and coffee. Teenage years can be very hard, as you have to set clear boundaries about respect, but stop speaking to them as ‘children’ and start to see them as young adults, who have to take responsibility for themselves and their behaviour.

While this is being resolved, be there as much as you can for your lads, even if you have to reduce your working hours for a while. Help them feel together with you as a family and have lots of fun, as that helps kids cope, e.g. crazy golf followed by a walk and lunch or card games of an evening. Be around a lot, as that helps them open up, e.g. reading with the 8 yo in bed. Never seem too busy to listen, even if you’re in a real rush.

Be as honest as possible with them. If you don’t really know why she’s left, tell them you don’t really know, but you believe she loves them very much and wants the best for them, but is struggling at the moment and needs some time to get stronger. And you all have to do your best to understand and help because that’s what families have to do. Never criticise her to them. But encourage them to let you know if her behaviour upsets them.

Good luck. I hope this makes you stronger as a family 💐

It is possible OP has been consciously or unconsciously undermining his wife's efforts to manage their son. So she feels it's all pointless and hopeless (pure speculation) Some characters are quite oppositional even if they come across as soft and permissive. It's as if they don't want to speak up but convey their power in a way that undermines other people's efforts.

Op would do well speaking with close friends and family to get advice.

This woman is borderline abusive towards your eldest son maybe even past that threshold.

She has a lot of issues that are hers to sort out and she needs to grasp that nettle alone.

As you said your priority needs to be your children.

It's certainly the MN assumption when a husband moves out!

So what if your son works in Maccies. No shame in an honest days work. Is your wife a massive snob?

A colleague's son decided, a month before he left school, to not go to the RG Uni at which he had a place but to stay at McD's, he was the store manager within a year, had been sent to an Olympic games representing the company and was an area manager when his contemporaries were leaving Uni with poor job prospects and massive debts! It's not the end of the world, too many go to Uni for no good reason other to have the 'Uni experience'!

Such is MN hypocrisy!

Let her go, she has to sought herself out, its not your responsibility to do that for her. You focus on the kids and yourself now.

Absolutely. People on here fall over themselves to absolve women of all responsibility and to blame men for everything. So if a man cheats, it's because he's a bastard, but if a woman cheats, it's because her husband's a bastard. And if a woman is abusive to her family, it must be something her husband did it didn't do.

ding ding! 🛎️ MN typical response! It’s the menz fault!!!

This thread is so horrible but also really predictable. A man is reaching out for support and is accused of expecting us to “mindread”, of not backing up his wife with disciplining their child and of not providing enough support, neither without any evidence that this is the case. His wife, for whatever reason, has behaved appallingly towards her 15yo child but for some reason is assumed this is justified?

Honestly, so many people on this thread need to have a word with themselves.

This, some posters are just ridiculous, if op was female and posting about her male partner who’d fucked off to “heal” himself, shed be getting told to LTB and get ducks in a row. Here it’s all “poor her! This is clearly your and your 15 yo fault!”

and awaiting the usual oh you’re a MRA!!

Because statistically men leave marriages for other women.

women leave marriages to regain their peace

I have had a difficult 15 yr old.

as a mother with good mental health, excellent support from DH, friends and family plus the resources to get him extensive additional support it almost broke me at times.

I can well imagine if even one of those things had been missing, I would have broken. I definitely thought about leaving more than once. I didn’t, but had I had mental health issues I can well imagine that would be the best solution for everyone.

I posted on here a few times and got all the abuse. It taught me that unless you’ve experienced it you cannot imagine what it’s like. It’s traumatic.

And honestly he wasn’t even that bad (no drugs or police or violence). But it was relentless and so so difficult at the time. He’s now a super successful, high functioning adult who I adore spending time with. We can almost laugh about it now.

I feel so much for anyone going through it.

If teen age DS was struggling with life I'm intrigued how she thinks abandonment will put him back on the right track.

I'd say it's good riddance for now. I suspect it's a MH issue but from the DC point of view it's a shitty parent issue. I hope she gets professional help and tries to make it up to DC some day. This must be very hard on you OP picking up the pieces

How puerile. IYKYK 😂

why @train7ing is it “puerile” to acknowledge the post I was responding to clearly states it must be the ops fault?

Exactly this. Some women are just nasty in the name of feminism!

Ay yes, not only the MN hypocrisy but also the MN Use and Abuse of Statistics. Maybe a man leaves his marriage to gain peace from a wife who expects everything to be done her way, eg hanging the loo roll and other world shattering activities.

No one can know
no one can guess
and finding out one why will lead to more questions
believe her if she says she hasn’t found anyone new

all you can do is look after the children as best you can and raise them as best you can. And look after yourself. You will be sad and stressed but that’s ok

Is this satire? Or do you genuinely think women only leave because they’ve got a new man lined up? Plenty of women leave because their marriage is over and they just want to be alone. You may need a relationship to validate yourself, but many of us absolutely don’t.

@Twoboys01if she was unhappy with the relationship/family dynamic, and couldn’t resolve the issues, it’s only right that she shouldn’t stay. Plenty of men leave when things have broken irreconcilably, why are we so shocked when a woman does.

Have you ANY IDEA of the sheer level of desperation any woman would have to be suffering in order for her to abandon her children and walk out?

You are dismissing her feelings with A, B or C: she fell out with your 15 year-old, she's having an affair, she's depressed, and that's pretty much it. And, it appears, you are laying the responsibility for all those at her feet.

Maybe take a good look in the mirror and ask yourself whether there's anything in you that has driven her away.

That’s not strictly true
some women can walk out in their kids very easily
it’s less common than with men but it does happen

No satire, just the usual response when one parent walks out of the marital home and abandons their children?

Bollocks. That’s a very male thing to do. IME women usually leave because they’ve had enough.