Wife has moved out and I am struggling to understand why

[Twoboys01]

Hi
My wife has just moved out. She has suffered depression for a few years but thought we were doing ok with it. She fell out with our eldest and hasn’t spoken to him for a few months now. Our youngest is split 50/50 and eldest with me full time. I’m not sure if it’s because of me or our eldest who she doesn’t get on with or depression why she has gone but doesn’t seem right to me? Could also be she’s met someone else which she says she hasn’t.

not sure if anyone has been in this situation before and got any advise? She has also fell out with other family members and doesn’t speak to them anymore either.

honestly does it matter who what where when or why?
these are the cards you have been dealt; two boys currently full time with you, with the potential of 50/50 with the youngest etc.
start with the basics; home and safety, do you have a roof over your head and are the children safe while you are at work?
you now need to step up as a solo parent and create a good home for the boys, without drama. it really doesn't matter why she has left, she has left. don't beg for her to return and as a matter of fact don't allow her to return until therapy for everyone.
hopefully you have enough income to pay all the bills, and i highly suggest a cleaner for 1 day a week minimum. outsource what you need so that you can focus on the children.

If a man said that he wanted to leave the family setup to 'heal' he would (rightly) be crucified on here.

He's 15! He's still practically a child. You don't just give up on your kids because they're a bit rude to you.

You can't fix her and you will not have the time to even try if you're focusing on the children which is what you should be doing.

You need to get your ducks in a row and you need to speak to a solicitor, you need to know what divorce will mean for you, how you get a financial arrangements order and also probably a child arrangements order.

You may agree to 50/50 now but without anything legal in place there's nothing stopping her at some point deciding to not return the youngest. It's sad to think about but it happens when families split up.

Your eldest child is not fine. He is numb. You need to be emotionally available to both of your children first and foremost and if you were going to do family therapy it would be best to do it with your children rather than your wife.

Just like men who walk out on their families women are just as entitled to, however shit it may be and for whatever reason it may be. Mental health, just had enough etc.

I understand mental health issues are complex and if she is in crisis she is 100% deserving of support but she's unilaterally made a decision to separate your family and you should only extend yourself where it will not impact your children. Unless she lacks capacity and she's a danger to herself or others there's nothing you can legally do to compel her to seek help.

What kind of trouble? Trouble with the police?

And what do you mean by “messing around”? Can you post some examples of his behaviour? You sound incredibly passive about this.

I’d assume she’s moved out due to being at the end of her tether and burnt out.

Maybe living alone for a while will help her to get her head together. Sometimes we just need space and peace. I am sorry, can understand how hard it is for you and the children. Let's hope good comes out of it.

Probably doesn't have the energy left to deal with a bolshy teen when she is depressed.

She might think you are not supportive enough with his behaviour and don't see her point of view. If he's say, called her a "fucking lazy cunt who should fuck off and kill herself bitch" and squared up to her and you've been oh boys will be boys and dismissed it I can see her point. (For example can't think how I came up with that one )

Some teens are tricky to live with. Worse if you are depressed.

I think a lot of posters here including the OP don’t understand depression

So just to confirm she is mum to both not stepmom right? Wants 50/50 with youngest but can’t deal with the eldest anymore? Is she getting called into school constantly or are the issues just at home? Obviously she feels like she can’t cope anymore so what exactly has been going on. Can you give specific examples and tell us how frequently your wife is having to deal with this?

This is like getting blood from a stone

Op: do you actually want your wife to return?

Your situation doesn’t sound good for anyone. Maybe her leaving is for the best?

Yes, perhaps there's been a habit of outsourcing emotional labour.

So you haven't supported her as a coparent even though she was struggling, because you didn't think the behaviour was a big deal.

And you think she needs professional help (to make her come around to your point of view).

I agree, horrible double standards.
No mother should ignore her child, and a 15 year old is still a child, the poor kid must be angry and confused.
It sounds like you and she need professional help to get to the bottom of why your family has broken down so badly.Talking, with a third party present may help.
I hope you have informed the schools of both your sons that they are going through a difficult time at home,
Good luck.

It sounds like she has spent years working and giving you and your children her all and you are your eldest are dicking around and annoying the ever loving fuck out of her so she’s decided she’s not doing it all anymore. If she needs professional help then ask yourself WHY. Is it because she’s worked like a donkey and sacrificed the best years of her life for a teenager who won’t behave himself and a husband who won’t discipline him? Fucking talk to her and get professional help yourself.

Can we just be a smidge less nasty. We are reminded all over social media that men don’t talk, that the largest killer in men under 40 is suicide and here is a man wanting to talk. Yes OP needs to talk to his wife but he is clearly struggling. We may not be able to give him the answers but at the very least can we adopt a bit of kindness FFS.

Is she has otherwise been a loving and kind person and snapped then its undoubtedly a mental health crisis. I've been there in a more minor way not coping with a 13 year old and entrenched myself against anyone trying to support her because she was just too much and I had absolutely nothing left to deal with her with. Lasted a week for me and everything is better now. But she was devastated and did what needed to be done to make herself liveable with and is now much less rude and selfish.

If your son is the root of this, and there isn't anything else , then he will need to want to make changes so that she can cope and before that you will all need to be certain that she still loves him and wants the best for him. And as its gone on for so long I'd imagine they'll both need external support. Try not to be judgemental of either of them as I think you are already doing. I'm sorry you are caught in the middle it sounds horrible for everyone.

👏👏👏
Not easy dealing with wayward teens when their father is soft and lacks initiative. Sounds likeable dysfunctional family dynamic. I am guessing the wife will have tried to talk and explain to OP many times but he doesn't seem to quite understand her experience.

I don't want to imagine having difficult conversations about a wayward 15 year old in this manner. Wife has been driven mad. Seen it all before.

This is what it sounds like.

OP, can you give some actual details. What did your 15 year old do? Why did you think your wife was too harsh?

Why are you struggling to understand when she already told you she doesn't want to be with you because you don't support her? Instead of accepting that, you're trying to find the 'real' reason she's left you. It sounds like she has come to the end of her tether and you haven't been listening for a long time.

That's reading between the lines, because the lines don't give very much useful information.

You need to go nuclear on a 15yo who is difficult because frankly in a few years time it will be pure hell. Don’t be soft there.
Have you tried counselling with your wife???

The whole issue here seems to be Dad flapping around going 'what should I do?'

By his own admission he didn't do enough around the house. Mum took the lead with the kids and eventually she's reached a crunch point where something happened, Dad stopped backing her fully (note she was taking the lead on parenting still) and she couldn't take any more and has walked away.

Now Dad is still flapping and asking MN 'what should I do?' To which the answer is 'We don't know. You aren't communicating what has gone on. They are your kids and it's your wife. You need to step up and just get on with it instead of almost looking around for someone to approve what you are doing and take the lead for you with the kids'.

What strikes me, is the OP hasn't taken responsibility previously for the kids in this way. He's always followed Mum's lead and now he's somewhat floundering. It smells like she's almost been a parent to him as well as the kids, in taking on that role of leading the family.

It doesn't matter what's gone on before tbh. She's left. He can't change that. He can only control his own actions. He is going to have to start working out emotional responses by other by himself because that's that the role of parent. He needs to work on communicating better. He can't go asking MN to mindread because he can't do this communication.

I just get the sense of a sudden realisation that 'oh I might have to do this without being directed by my wife all the time. What do I do?' And somehow we will have magic solutions because we magically can mind read the situation.

Whilst MN is for support of parents there is a problem in that we can't offer that if someone doesn't want to engage enough to be able to do that. It leaves me with the impression that, this emotional checking out and dumping it all on the wife was probably the cause of the issue in the first place and unfortunately the situation now dictates this emotional hiding behind someone taking the lead is no longer an option. Basically the OP needs to step up and learn how to wing it as you go like every other parent.

It's tough, but there's nothing here from the information available that says anything different.

her ignoring her child for months is abusive. Let her go, the 15yr olds home life will be a lot better for it than the toxic atmosphere.

Struggling to understand how she didn’t talk to eldest for months when you all shared the same home, it might be a guess do you think she had enough support from you with the eldest were you on the same page with managing his behaviour? Or was your wife taking the brunt of it?. If you genuinely don’t understand her decision for space and why she left talk to her. If she intends to separate long term communication is vital to coparent going forward counselling is often cited as a solution but isn’t for everyone. But certainly don’t bring other people men into this when she’s told you it’s not true.

Totally ignoring the child but also discipling the child - bit of an inconsistency. What exactly are these behaviors the child is displaying that she found unacceptable?