Wife has moved out and I am struggling to understand why

[Twoboys01]

Hi
My wife has just moved out. She has suffered depression for a few years but thought we were doing ok with it. She fell out with our eldest and hasn’t spoken to him for a few months now. Our youngest is split 50/50 and eldest with me full time. I’m not sure if it’s because of me or our eldest who she doesn’t get on with or depression why she has gone but doesn’t seem right to me? Could also be she’s met someone else which she says she hasn’t.

not sure if anyone has been in this situation before and got any advise? She has also fell out with other family members and doesn’t speak to them anymore either.

Maybe she found the home life with you and DC (especially difficult 15yo) very hard. And it was causing or connected to her depression. So she wants to be alone to heal. I think that sounds pretty sensible and if I was dreadfully unhappy in any situation I would adapt - and leave too if I felt that was what I needed to do. Doubt there’s someone else, she probably just wants to heal away from the family set up.

It's not very admirable to leave a 15 year old child because you 'don't get on with' them.

Do you really want her back living with you all? Surely your first priority is your kids, since it's obviously not hers.

If you feel she is harsh on your 15 year old and she doesn't speak to him it is best she moves out.

How is her relationship with your younger son - is he safe and loved in her care? Is she well enough to look after him properly?

She sounds like she's having a mental health crisis. Respectfully, it sounds like you dont understand her or 'see' her if you're confused about how its got to this - if you really want to help her I would suggest couple's therapy or family therapy if I was you- but not with the aim of getting her to come back as that's too much pressure. Just with the aim of trying to understand and help her for now

It sounds like maybe it's a more stable environment for both your boys if there are separate houses. But I would really hope she builds bridges with your older son. You should reflect on what he actually has done because you might not be taking it seriously enough.

The posters supporting the woman ending her relationship with her child- what would your child have to do for you to do this to them?

It's brutal trauma the adult has caused her kid. Even if he's pretending he's 'fine'

Well she is very foolish to blow up like this and end her marriage for teenage nonsense.

She will have probably always have been very harsh and you hadn’t realised.
I think your focus needs to be on protecting the 15 year old from her blaming him (frankly disgusting and needs to be instantly reframed as who is the adult and who is the child.)

Just leave her to it, let her heal/sulk/find herself/whatever. Your priority is you plus children.

How was she harsh to your eldest?

Did you chat about alternative approaches for discipline? Could she explain what her reasons were for chosing that approach?

If @Twoboys01 really wants to get sensible replies here, I think you need to give us much more specific information, like:
What was the nature and frequency of your son's "trouble"?
What was your son's response to being grounded and having his phone taken (and by that, do you mean you've left your 15-year-old with no phone at all, or just for a period of time)?
In what way specifically do you think your wife was being "very harsh on him"?
What specifically did you do in response to your feeling she was being too harsh?
What else is going on in your marriage?
Does your wife work or was she a stay at home mum?
You say your wife either suffered from or still suffers from depression. Can you elaborate on that? What form does it take and how has she been dealing with it?
What has communication been like between the two of you (not just in regards to this incident, but in general)? Do you talk about feelings and approaches to parenting? About sharing workloads?
There's loads more you could tell us that might help you receive more meaningful responses here.

How does/did your eldest treat her? Did he have a tendency to do what you asked him to but not what she did? Or otherwise indicate he thought she was lesser? There does seem to have been a sharp increase in misogyny from young men and it is often directed at mothers first.

But if she's falling out with other family members too there may be a mental health issue that she hasn't acknowledged. Very hard to say even when you know someone, though, let alone off a few posts on an internet forum.

Yes I think she is struggling and have suggested professional help. My focus now is on the kids. Youngest is struggling a bit and wants to be with me more but doing ok.

i think he’s a teen misbehaving. I was allot worse ant his age! Everyone says he’s a good kid. She thinks he’s a little shit and end up working in maccys. We have tried talking about it all yes.

His mum does work 30 hours a week so did do more for the kids.

It's like pulling teeth. Either OP is deliberately obfuscating and being vague so that he can paint his wife as a demon and get sympathy; or he is emotionally stunted and incapable of communicating normally.

At this point, I'm putting my money on the first: when things don't make any sense and you have to ask a million questions and are still none the wiser, someone is trying to pull wool over your eyes.

“Cloverroll · Today 22:10
It's not very admirable to leave a 15 year old child because you 'don't get on with' them.
Do you really want her back living with you all? Surely your first priority is your kids, since it's obviously not hers.”

This. Unless your 15yo is, say, beating up his younger sibling, smashing up
the house or torturing animals, your wife is sounding pretty awful, depressed or not. A decent parent doesn’t stop talking to their child.

If she's just moved out and the 15yo is with you, were you all living together and she went for months without speaking to him at all? Like just completely ignoring him? That is pretty horrible. I don't know what the 15yo has done and it may have been something she genuinely couldn't cope with - e.g., if she was in physical danger from him. But the split, with you staying with the 15yo and her living separately, probably should have come a lot sooner.

If she needs more MH help than she's getting, she has to seek it herself and do the work; no one can do it for her. I'm sorry; I know it's hard but the best thing you can do right now is probably staying as grounded as you can and protecting the children. I'd be very watchful and wary about her contact with the 8yo; you may need to have both children full time for now.

We often end up comparing gender reversal on threads and I can't help but think if the child's father was harsh on him, hadn't spoke to him for months and then moved out the responses would be more good riddance.

Your partner might have her mental health struggles but it's not OK to take that out on her son.

So what if your son works in Maccies. No shame in an honest days work. Is your wife a massive snob?

Thanks for all the reply’s. I think It does sound like depression or mental health from all the reply’s. Not just her son but also family. No not right to abandon your son no matter what he’s done.

Ye if it was a dad doing this to his family it would be different. No chance I’d get 50/50 of my youngest.

Definitely not in physical danger with him. Yes completely ignoring each other for months. Not speaking or anything. She thinks space will do them some good.

I wasn’t sure before. But from the replies this isn’t normal and she definitely needs professional help to get better.

You need couples therapy and probably she also needs treatment for her depression, assuming she really is depressed and not just sick of being married/mum.

This jumped out at me.

You backed her... which means your wife made the decisions and followed through with the discipline/consequences. How many times did you step up and take the lead instead? It might seem a little thing but when these little things happen nearly every day, for years, they build up to screaming point. Maybe she was tired at always being the bad guy regarding the children.

It sounds like she's had enough of fighting to get her child on the straight and narrow by herself. You haven't even said what he's doing. Truancy, going round in gangs upsetting people, shoplifting, dealing drugs... what?

It’s past the point of couples therapy - she’s moved out and you’ve amicably agreed custody.

Whether or not she gets therapy / professional help is out of your control. Accept that she’s left, you may never fully understand what happened, and rebuild your life without her.

He also said she was very harsh on him. Being overly harsh isn’t good parenting.

People are doing some real mental gymnastics here. No matter how hard your teenagers behaviour is you don't ignore them for months then abandon them. I'd say exactly the same about a dad doing this.
Frankly OP you need to stop worrying about her and pour all of your energy into your children. This will be very upsetting and damaging for them

No disrespect @Twoboys01 . But you're a bad communicator on this thread. Not hearing answering the fair questions kindly asked.

As previous poster said stand back let her go sort herself out. Just keep a close eye on your children and for God's sake talk to them clearly in a way they can understand.

I think she’s behaved really badly towards your eldest. Unless you are withholding info that he was aggressive or abusive in any form (including emotionally).
Assuming all is as you’ve stated, I’d be trying for a larger proportion of time with your youngest too as he could be next in the firing line.

Sounds to me like a nervous breakdown.