What counselling might help with feelings for someone outside my marriage

[TITD]

What type of counselling would be recommended for me as an individual (and then possibly to include my DH at a later date, but I think the main problem is me).

It’s for issues I’m having regarding my relationship - mainly that I feel I’m standing on the precipice of an affair that’s seemingly come out of nowhere, thought I had a good marriage and I love my DH very much.

The guy (also married) in question is someone from my distant past. Such a cliché I know!

Oh I see!!! I wonder what happened!!!!

Sorry, zombie

I am going to get an absolute pasting with this update.

Essentially in a worse place than I was nearly 5 months ago (astonishing to read it back).

We met up again about two months ago. BIG mistake. HUGE.
It was for a mid morning coffee, public place, ostensibly just to talk.

He said he’d been thinking about me all summer, it wasn’t necessarily just physical. We very very nearly started something. We subsequently messaged & called back and forth for a couple of weeks before agreeing to totally cut it dead. But it’s caused me so much anguish. Been completely no contact (again but this time meaning to be forever) for nearly 6 weeks and I’m really really struggling.

I have been having relationship therapy since then, which has really helped and I can now see there are issues in my marriage (past ruptures which were never repaired) and DH & I will get couples counselling in the spring. I’ve spoken to DH to say I think we need it but to please be patient with me. I feel I need to get over this first. I haven’t told him. I am not going to make a decision on that for a while. And yes I know that’ll draw ire.

I have moments where I’m in agony with missing (& longing for) this other man. Otherwise life goes on.

I hope this can maybe serve as a warning. It’s bloody awful, and that includes the guilt.

It's 'Brief Encounter' film in real life. It's difficult. 💐

It’s more that a lot of people in your situation come on here just to talk about the person they’re attracted to, and it’s probably counter-productive, because it’s not self-analysis, just a way of obsessing about the guy. Counselling might be similar.

Just regular old relationship counselling would work.

Someone who is very content in their marriage is unlikely to see an attractive man and be so strongly attracted on the first meeting that they can barely sit still.

I expect you have some unacknowledged feelings of boredom, sexual frustration , feeling “mumsy” and lacking novelty and challenge and danger

This guy is different

Of course. A statement heard since time immemorial.

Good luck OP, don't fuck up your (and your family's) life, count your blessings.

Just picture yourself on the funeral pyre of your marriage if you should follow this.

😂 and 😭

I know, I’m such a tragic clichéd fuck up!

You're just using this as a way to talk about the man you have a crush on. That's all it is, a crush. You don't love him, it's not special, it's just a crush.

Stop talking about it (especially on here) as it's just feeding it. You're the person that chooses what you do. Just chose not to act on this. That's honestly all it is. So then you take the actions that aid that choice, stop talking about him, put distance between yourself and delete his number.

It's really not that deep.

No pasting from me OP. I’ve ghosted a few threads where I’ve not been proud of my subsequent actions, so fair play for the update.

All I’d say is that it’s like any addiction - you just have to keep saying ‘not today’ every day and eventually it’ll become your rhythm.

Who knows if you and your DH will survive this - I hope you do if it’s what you want, and I think you do - but you’ll need to graft for it. It’s not easy and I admire you for keeping on going.

btw I can’t see if you’d commented before, @GrossedoutGertrude or if you’re invested for some other reason but if you need some aversion therapy for a similar situation I think OP’s post is food for thought.

I know, I’m such a tragic clichéd fuck up!

Hey! Don't say that! You're only undermining yourself. Never a good thing.

emotional deprivation ? look that up and work on your marriage.