What counselling might help with feelings for someone outside my marriage

[TITD]

What type of counselling would be recommended for me as an individual (and then possibly to include my DH at a later date, but I think the main problem is me).

It’s for issues I’m having regarding my relationship - mainly that I feel I’m standing on the precipice of an affair that’s seemingly come out of nowhere, thought I had a good marriage and I love my DH very much.

The guy (also married) in question is someone from my distant past. Such a cliché I know!

What would you like the counselling to achieve?

Look if you want an affair leave your husband, you don’t need counselling just some common decency.

Are you able to avoid the person.

Here is some counselling. Either leave your husband. Or realise how lucky you are and that there is a reason why this bloke is in your past.
You are getting carried away here and a few months down the line, once you have destroyed everything, you will regret it all.

Oh goodness that’s a tough question.

Ultimately for me to not screw up my marriage and family.

If it was as easy (for me, good for anyone who has been in this situation and not had a bother with it) as don’t do anything I wouldn’t be here asking.
I need help understanding how I got here.

Full disclosure, we are very actively agreeing not to see each other, and nothing physical has happened.

Why does this situation require counselling?

Not everything does.

Can you not manage to not have an affair without speaking to a counsellor?

I think you’re getting a hard time here op! You haven’t done anything wrong - you’ve identified that you have an attraction to someone else and you want to take steps to understand why you feel this way, so that you can protect yourself and your marriage - just “don’t have an affair” with resolve WHY you have these feelings.

I don’t know the answer to your question, but I didn’t want you to just experience a pile on of people being nasty. I hope you get the answers you need.

Yes.

And I’m doing that. But it’s affecting me badly.

And of course I know the alternative is far worse.

honestly I believe that an affair only happens if there is space in your marriage

cut the other guy off and throw yourself into your marriage for 30 days and evaluate everything.

when you’ve done that. Then look at where any gaps could be. That’ll give you the answer

Thank you. I expected some unkindness but honestly it seems many perfect posters that exit in perfect worlds are relishing getting their oh so insightful barbs in.

Thank you. That’s exactly what I’m trying to do.

I didn’t know I had any gaps, but you’re right, and I need help processing that I think.

I think op if you're at the point where you're agreeing not to see each other and things are about to turn physical them you're already in an emotional affair.

So the resolution to that is cut this guy off completely. Even if that means a job change or similar. You work on reconnecting with your husband, marriage counselling is a good idea to identify if you've become complacent with each other or distant. And then you kind of need to lean into the feelings which will be uncomfortable. Not letting yourself think about him, not letting yourself fantasise about him etc. I'd prioritise keeping yourself busy and distracted and like any crush in time it will ease. But the distance, keeping busy and cutting all ties completely will be key.

@Lavender14 fortunately it’s easy to not see him.

And the agreement includes no contact at all.

We only met once.

FWIW, I think it's normal in a long relationship to experience attraction to others - if not, why would the marriage vows include a vow to forsake all others? In the 25+ years I have been with DH, I have had passing attractions to various men and a couple of intense crushes of some duration. None of it was acted on (except in occasional fantasies) and at no point did I want to leave my DH and be with any other man. One of the main points of commitment is not that you never feel attraction to others but that you don't allow attraction to others to outweigh your love for your partner. The way I see it is this: I know that there are lots of men out there with whom I could enjoy spending time and probably enjoy sleeping with them also. I also assume that if I had spent many, many years with any man, then I could be briefly drawn to someone who appears shiny and new. Sure, after nearly 28 years, DH and I can get very irritated with each other from time to time. But, even after nearly 28 years, DH and I still find each other interesting, make each other laugh, have deep conversations and exchanges of ideas, enjoy spending time together, snuggle up in bed, have sex etc. For me, it is not at all certain that I would be as happy and engaged after 28 years with any other man as I am with DH.

Some people do end marriages and settle down with someone else and make a very successful second marriage. I have friends who have done that. But you say you love your husband very much and don't want this. So beware the hormones. The fact that this guy is from your past suggests he has associations with your youth which probably draw you to him. Also (in case it's relevant for timing), I would say that for some women sex drive can ramp up during perimenopause (it did for me, and remains higher now that I am many years post-menopausal). Particularly if you're on the cusp of your fertility window closing, your hormones can go into overdrive on that front. There was a post on here from a woman a while back who had destroyed her long marriage during peri-menopause. She very vigorously pursued an affair with another man and left her husband for him. Her husband initially pleaded with her not to do this. When her hormones calmed down and the dust settled, she was appalled at what she had done and wanted nothing more than to return to her marriage but she had done irreparable damage and her husband wouldn't take her back. She posted as a warning to others. Don't let that be you.

If you are in your 40s or 50s (I'm late 50s and loving it), I think they are a very interesting time of reflection on your life and what things you might want to chance or focus on for the coming decades. If you're in an LTR, it's easy to imagine that the thing you want to change is your partner but, assuming overall your relationship is a good one, it's often things within you that need to be changed/developed.

The best thing you can do op is to distance yourself completely. The feelings will pass eventually. Don’t see him or talk to him again until they have.

@Dery I’m early 50s!

Thank you for your post.

And yes mild passing crushes, but few and far between.

Posted too soon.

This guy is different, we both felt the attraction very quickly, I obviously hadn’t anticipated that. It was a daytime coffee! We said our goodbyes fairly soon in, having both admitted to having very strong attraction to each other and recognising the huge risk we were facing.

We then talked once after and agreed to stop contact. I will respect that agreement but I’m finding it very hard.

Aversion therapy?

Picture yourself a few months down the line of extra marital shagging when everyone has found out and fucking despises you.

That should do it.

I'm not sure therapy will help - therapy is all about talking about your feelings and putting a logical wrapper around your feelings (why do you feel this way, what do you get from this person you don't from your husband) probably won't make them go away, because as humans we have more fundamental drivers like lust which aren't logical. I wonder if quite the opposite by paying someone to hear you dwell on this object of your affections for an hour at a time you will be making this person bigger in your mind, not smaller.

My advice is more parochial: have a cold shower. Have distance. Give it time. Most people will experience at least one extra-marital crush. Humans are wired to look for diversity in mating partners. But what separates us from other animals is that we are able to move beyond our biology and choose a better course of action. You know this. Every time you find yourself thinking of him, think of something else, like your kids.

Apologies, I see you are already no contact. As painful as it is, you have to ride it out. There’s no way to make it easier. You just have to take time to process it. You should feel positive that you have taken action before things went any further. Many don’t and end up making a real mess of things as a result.

Your my age. Peri and sex drive through the roof, lot of this is biological. Talk to sonewone if you want its private, this is normal imo. Did you always fancy this other man?

This is really good advice. If you want your marriage to survive turn into it.

There’s nothing unique about extra marital attraction - it happens in the best of marriages. What matters is which way you turn.

Counselling might help, but it can also be a way to focus on yourself, your uniqueness, and examine these feelings from every possible angle. I’m not trying to be mean - we’re surrounded by stories, songs and movies about love and living in one of the most individualistic cultures ever. It’s not easy for real long term intimacy and relationship to survive.

Counselling might help you reframe this situation. You say you are 'standing on the precipice of an affair', but perhaps it is more that you are very, very tempted to have an affair with an old flame, in which case it is first a question of working out how to exist with all the feelings of longing and passion which go with that situation, and how much to allow your DH to know about these feelings, if anything.

Then it could be useful to look at what your marriage is really like for you, day to day. You say you love DH very much but that may go with all kinds of niggles and dissatisfactions about him, your life in general or how you see the future. Unpacking all that with a counsellor could be really helpful if you are able to be honest.

Therapy/counselling will help you work out why you are feeling the way you are.

Are you happy in your marriage or do you want to stay together because it’s easier to do so, family, children, finances etc.

I know a couple of people whose marriages are technically over for them, but can’t face the disruption that splitting will cause.

You don’t seem to know this guy very well, yet have built a huge longing fantasy about him? Counselling may help you explore that, I guess ( caveat, most counselors are crap though).

Or you just had a strong sexual attraction, maybe.

Either way, some things just need patience and resolve till the feelings pass. Counselling might actually increase your obsession by giving you a space every week to obsess over it. And an excuse to obsess over it between sessions as you ‘think it through’ for the next session. This thread is part of you keeping the obsession active.

Break ups hurt but in time they pass. It will be the same with this. Keep to your resolve to be no contact and let time do its thing.

You could try allowing yourself to think of him for five ten mins and then force yourself to think about something else. That’s a technique that has helped me move past obsessive thinking.

But I’m not convinced counseling will help and I think it may be a technique to keep thinking about him.