What counselling might help with feelings for someone outside my marriage

[TITD]

What type of counselling would be recommended for me as an individual (and then possibly to include my DH at a later date, but I think the main problem is me).

It’s for issues I’m having regarding my relationship - mainly that I feel I’m standing on the precipice of an affair that’s seemingly come out of nowhere, thought I had a good marriage and I love my DH very much.

The guy (also married) in question is someone from my distant past. Such a cliché I know!

Maybe person centred counselling? It’s an introspective approach and encourages you to search inwardly and process why you think how you think, or do what you do. It’s important though to acknowledge that sometimes external factors still play into these situations.

@Dery coming on mumsnets with sense and deep wisdom, backed by science. Behave!!!

@TITD this is the answer you need. Any marriage counselling, explore hormones, get support to find time to date your husband and distance yourself

Listen to Alain De Botton 'on love'. Its on youtube.

Yes we have a history of sorts, over a good few years but sporadic, timing never right. But it was such a long time ago I didn’t anticipate feeling the way I did.

I’d never considered him as the one who got away, and my rational brain knows this still to be the case. But it’s both emotional (to some degree) and lust (crazy, good to blame hormones!).

So, having some good experience of counselling ( not on this issue) I am of the view that most people can benefit from counselling to help them work through difficult situations.

So I am going to try and answer the ops actual question. I also don't think that the op deserved the pile on she got here!

Firstly there are 2 regulatory bodies that have codes of practice that their members must adhere to. UKCP and BACP. I think the UKCP requirements are more rigorous but there are also some excellent counsellors/ therapists working with BACP registration too.

They both have directories of their members that you can search.

There are many different approaches to counselling/ therapy and they can be quite different.

In your place op, I would look for an integrative therapist/ counsellor which means they will combine approaches from different modalities.

I'd try and speak to 2 or 3 at least and get a feeling for how they work. You may find that you feel you just click better with one.

Good luck in finding someone. I think it is a great idea to do this.

@EducatingArti thank you!! that’s really helpful.

I was just about to ask if anyone was able to answer my original question. Getting side tracked dwelling on the wrong things.

I think that because he also says he's attracted to you, you've almost described it as if it's a magical stars aligning kind of thing that you would have to both go against heavenly forces to resist.
If he hadn't communicated that he quite fancied you too, I think you would have put it out of your head a lot quicker.
The fact he fancies you back doesn't make it more special. It doesn't mean the stars are aligning or that it would work out with him.
It doesn't make him an alternative to your husband or the life you have built together. It doesn't mean you'd be happier or even happy at all with this other guy. Two people fancying each other means very little tbh. Feelings come and go.

I think you need relationship counselling by yourself. You don't need to involve your husband, but I think you need to have a safe space to process where this is coming from and what is it you really want.

A counsellor won't tell you to stay with your husband or to not have an affair. It would help you work out your feelings and make the right decision for you.

Look up “limerence”. Once you understand that what you are feeling isn’t actually love but an infatuation you might realise that you are putting a lot at risk by carrying on with this fantasy you have concocted.

Watch 'Brief Encounter' x

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brief_Encounter

But yes, this is a difficult situation where your head and heart collide. 💐

@TITD - I think it's natural that you're finding this hard. You're only human. An unexpected intense mutual attraction is a powerful thing - we are not just our heads; we have hearts and we are sexual beings. You're both clear in your minds that you won't be acting on it and that's great. You've acted very responsibly. There's actually a really interesting discussion about this in Moonstruck where Cher says she doesn't have to act on her attraction because she's an adult and she can decide what she's going to do and what she's not going to do because it will spoil what she has ( She does still end up in bed with Nicholas Cage so - for your purposes - it gets to the wrong end point. But I'm not sure I've ever heard the general position expressed so well or sensibly (btw I only know this because the Youtube algorithm decided to feed me extracts from Moonstruck - I should be scared how well it knows me but I like what it sends!).

The right decision can still be painful even if it's made because you know that - in the long run - the alternative would be horrible and much more painful.

You've nipped this in the bud because, ultimately, your husband, your relationship with him and your love for him are far more important that your feelings for this other guy. Don't beat yourself up for feeling a bit sad and shaken by what has happened. Your feelings for this other man will blow over - time is a great healer.

As for the counselling, details have been provided above. I think it could be helpful. Good luck!

I did. Didn’t think I still did.

I’ve met former boyfriends at mutual friends weddings for example since being married, and absolutely not a flicker of attraction. I didn’t anticipate this would be any different.

@Dery you sound a wonderful person, would love to have you as a real life friend. Thank you for taking the time, I’ll go seek out moonstruck- saw it years ago.

Person centred counselling should be fine. You don’t need aversion therapy! Lol

Counselling can get to the root of way you are feeling this way and then help you understand what is going on better. There may be attachment issues, self esteem
issues, unmet needs. When you understand what has got you here you will be able to figure things it how to move forward how to meet those needs yourself or what’s missing in your relationship.

Sorry you are getting a hard time from
people stuck in black and white thinking.

@TITD - that is very kind of you! Yes, I think we would get on well!

You say you are happy with your DH, but are you really? Or is that what you think you should feel given he ticks the boxes and isn't nasty and abusive? In my own experience, I have only developed inappropriate crushes/feelings for other men when I am in an unfulfilling relationship. I appreciate that may not be everyone's experience.

Leave your husband. That’s what I did when I had feelings for someone else. Everyone hated me for it but it was better than an affair.

This would destroy my husband. And I wouldn’t leave him for this other guy. I couldn’t imagine breaking up two families.

I have wondered if I should be considering this - hence the counselling.

I’m certainly not going to rush in to any actions of any description.

He’s my best friend. He’s truly a decent man
Our sex life is fine, but that ‘fine’ is perhaps a bit lacking when there’s the prospect of something new (ish). I’m not completely un self aware.

Well done for 'reaching out'.

I'm no expert on types of therapy. I'm having therapy at the moment, to help me make decisions relating to my marriage (not the same situation as yours.) I'm finding it helpful and I'd recommend it if your can find the right person. I'd be happy to share more via DM if you wish. I'm M59 and not trying it on, I promise!

The grass is greener where you water it OP.

If the two men had a fight, who would you want to win?

Love this!

DH would kick his arse 😂