How do you set firmer family boundaries without becoming snappy?

[Lilypad789]

Please don’t post on Facebook as it is too specific and quite outing.

I am struggling to set boundaries within my (very close / immediate) family. I have asked for advice and I have followed a lot of what people suggested with some small successes. I am curious though as to how people would deal with the following scenarios in terms of boundary setting. For context I am a little burnt out, peri-menopausal and very much fell up. A little worried I may combust and say something I regret so I’m trying to be sensible and prevent that.

My child was visiting this weekend (pre-arranged) I knew we needed to be somewhere else 3.5hrs after they arrived (only 15 mins drive) My child gave me a rough time they would arrive so I decided to get ahead of the issue and send a message letting them know the latest time we would need to leave and stressed the importance of the event and that we were on time. I thought that would give them the chance to arrive at the beginning of their arrival estimation if they wanted to maximise their time with us. About 45 minutes before we needed to set off, I mentioned that I needed to start tidying up ready to leave. I started putting chairs away (all very obvious) I also asked my OH to go out and say to our younger children ‘you need to tidy your toys away now, we’re leaving for x,y,z in 10 minutes.’ And then eventually (because my adult child wasn’t packing anything up or getting ready to leave) I had to say that we needed to leave. We ended up being 10 minutes late to the next thing and I just don’t know how much clearer I could be.

The 2nd one I am interested in hearing advice about is how to set boundaries with my youngest child (9), I am hyper aware now that I must protect my time and my boundaries with them now so that I’m not still trying to do it in 15-20 years time like I am with my older child. I am gentle because they are young but it’s hard. For example, I have asked them to not come and ask me to help them / watch them do something / basically want my attention whilst I have my 1st coffee of the day (6-7 minute job) I don’t think that’s much to ask but they insist on still invading my space and talking to me and demanding my attention. I have said ‘remember not until I’ve finished my coffee.’ About 10,000 times! They asked me earlier to check the weather for tomorrow and I (not so gently) reminded them that I am allowed to look at my phone after a day filled with taking very good care of them and that they have a device they could check k the weather on.

Someone help me because I’m starting to not like people very much and I don’t want to be that person.

First you need to get a better understanding of boundaries. Boundaries are behaviour you will or eill not accept with a clear understanding from you re what you will do if they are not met. Its not up to the other person to respect your boundary - i mean, of course thats ideal, but you cant force it. You can only police your own behaviour.

Having said that, yiur issues aren't boundaries. Tbey are that your children are not doing what you want.

In your first example, tell your adult child you are leaving in 10 minutes and to please get ready. And yes, annoying if they dont, but not weird. Snap if necessary.

Qith your younger child, if you want 10 minutes peace at a set time, just keep repeating it and obviously dont answer. But 9 year old are high maintenance and I do think that 10 minutes first thing when everyone is up and running around isnt very practical.

Agree with PP these are not boundaries, this is just things you want.

Adult child- for me, not ready to leave on time then you simply leave without them. They won’t be late next time unless they want to miss whatever it is again. Problem solved. If this was a “boundary” you changed it, set a time, mean a time, they are an adult. Not ready, left behind.

2nd one though, 9 is young to just decide you want to sit on your phone in the morning in silence, and I honestly can’t see the issue with them wanting to chat and this idea of “protecting your time” from a child is just a bit sad.

10 minutes undisturbed first thing in the morning is a bit unrealistic when you have a young child !

It’s probably not the best example. This is after I have made their breakfast, helped them dress etc. this isn’t as soon as we wake up or during the week. This is on a Saturday am when I have already interacted with them considerably before sitting down with a coffee. I also am not on my phone whilst drinking the coffee, the other example was me being on my phone later in the day, again, I am confident at both those points that I have been adequately attentive, fulfilled all their needs etc. I don’t want my entire focus to be them, all of
the time, I did that with my eldest and now they think I should be available to them 24/7 despite living away from home.

6-7 minutes without having to watch something they’re doing or answer a question is unrealistic? With a 9 year old? Crikey. I don’t think it is.

You do seem to be making a mountain out of a molehill! With your eldest child, I would just say we're leaving in 10 mins, make sure you're ready and if they don't do it, leave without them!

With a 9 year old, it wouldn't occur to me to ban them speaking to me until I've had a coffee in the morning! I used to get up half an hour before mine when they were young, say 6.30 so I could have a cup of tea and get dressed before waking them up at 7. But if one of them got up early, I wouldn't refuse to speak to them!

To clarify, eldest doesn’t live at home so I was waiting for them to leave. Isn’t that a boundary? Saying what time we need to leave and expecting that they would visit for an appropriate amount of time so that we could leave on time.

Also, the coffee drinking takes 7 minutes max, I genuinely don’t think that it is too much to ask that they don’t ask me to do something for them or ask me questions after I have fed them their breakfast, helped them dress, brush teeth etc that could just wait a matter of minutes. I am not on my on phone during the coffee drinking and I have taken care of everyone else’s needs before this selfish 7 minutes takes place. The other example was of being on my phone but again, I have played endless games with them, fed them, been to the park with them etc before I spend 20 minutes checking emails etc. I don’t know why this would be viewed negatively to be honest. I am a human being and they are 9, in my opinion they should be able to entertain themselves for short periods of time. Why is it not a boundary that you don’t ask me to do something whilst I drink my drink? Surely that’s exactly what it is.

I sometimes ask my eldest to give me a few minutes till I've made my first coffee and it's firmly in my hand till I help them with something/chat etc etc, but I'd pick a different time to carve out 10 minutes of silence for yourself than the morning - it sounds like your youngest just wants to spend some time with you.

It’s so hard on here! I’m like Mary Poppins! I am constantly with them. I am present and enthusiastic and inspiring and attentive and all the things that I should be. But they will not let me have even 10 minutes to myself. The eldest was exactly the same and I just accepted it and now they just expect me to be available every moment and they don’t respect my time at all and I just want to avoid that.

You have to stick to whatever you say.

Start young, like 3 "mummy will come in a second" and build up so they don't expect an immediate reply.

Now with the 9yo you can say "let me be for 5 minutes" and stop interacting.

In the example of the older one, I'd have gone without them.

Well your post really isn't very clear. I have no idea who.lives with you normally and who doesn't but so long as the adult is in the same room/home as you just say "I am setting off at 0 o'clock, if you want to come with me you need to be ready". And set off on time.
If you are waiting at home for the adult to arrive before setting off, just stick to your timetable, if adult child hasn't made it on time, they will have to get to wherever you are going under their own steam.

As for the 9yr olds, just keep on repeating "When I've finished my coffee" and stick to it. It will be annoying at first but if you are consistent, they will get the message. However, if you give in once and do as they ask, you will have lost the battle and possibly the war, as they will have learned the value of Pester Power.

You deserve time to yourself! My thoughts were that the 10 minute window in the morning wasn't working - not that you don't deserve 10 minutes peace :) Maybe use a timer with your 9 year old? I also would have just left the house and the adult child could have let themselves out (if I've understood the story correctly, sorry if not!)

It won’t let me edit it. I thought saying they were visiting would be obvious but clearly not.

Pester power is the perfect way to describe it and I think I must give in because I would say that’s exactly how they all treat me. I say no and they ask again.

Thank you. I was (if they didn’t start eventually gathering their things) going to suggest they lock up but we don’t have keys to one another’s homes so it would have been weird to be honest. I don’t know how much clearer I can be. I knew it would happen. I needed to go out the last time they visited and told them a time and they stayed that much past the time I gave up and didn’t do the thing I was supposed to. I was determined this time and after taking advice on here thought I had nailed it with the pre- arrival message / the 45 minute tidying up and reminder and the extra reminder from OH. Alas not.

Sounds like you might need to get a bit snappy with the adult child then!! My mum would have told me (in a loving way of course 😂) to get out!

@Lilypad789 Why do you need to help a 9 year-old to get dressed and brush their teeth?

The adult child: absolutely do get snappy with them. If they've fallen back into the child role you might need to match their energy

The 9yo: my 10yo new respects my coffee time, (the 7yo not so much) but sometimes needs reminding. But it is possible to get there.

Although I was wondering if there are additional needs at play as you are helping them dress?

I’m not seeing what you’re struggling with tbh. I mean that seriously.

Oldest child: were you leaving together or without the visiting child? Maybe your instructions weren’t clear enough because what you’ve written here isn’t clear. Whatever it was, why didn’t you just say to your oldest child “I’m leaving in 6 minutes, if you want a lift come with me then, otherwise you’re on your own and make sure you lock the door properly”. Seriously, why didn’t you say that? What did you actually say? Barring an emergency or something serious, why did you allow an adult child to make you late for something?

Younger child: again, why don’t you just say “I’ll come at 8.45am. Please leave me alone until then.m, I just need a few minutes of peace”.

Why are you letting them walk over you like this? Just say no and mean it. They won’t be neglected or hate you, sounds like you’re attentive and loving.

I find it really hard to do that. So I try to avoid it but then I’m the one ending up stressed out and I don’t think it’s fair. Hence why I am trying to instil in my younger ones that if I say that I need something that they respect it. I thought asking for small amounts of time to not make a demand on me was reasonable but I’m not so sure now reading the comments 😂

Their clothes are in a fitted wardrobe that’s a bit high and they struggle to reach it. I also like to make sure they change their underwear /brush teeth to my standard.

And one does have additional needs but I’m trying to not out myself too much.

I used to get up earlier than my kids to have coffee in peace. And I’d be a bit more direct with your adult dd - ask her to leave 10mins before you leave.

Stop being gentle. Tell what you want. And expect it.

Well I feel like I’m doing that but ‘nicely’ but it isn’t working is it? I literally have advance notice of the latest time we needed to leave and then there were three ‘countdowns’ to us leaving like this ‘we need to leave in 30 mins.’ Etc. They weren’t coming with us, they don’t have a key to my house.

Move their clothes to a chair the night before, so they are within reach. Either that or reorganise their bedroom. You are making this child too dependent on you, so of course they are going to keep pestering you all the time.

And I'm not sure why your adult dc doesn't have a key. Why not?

It seems like you don't trust either of them to do anything.