How do you set firmer family boundaries without becoming snappy?

[Lilypad789]

Please don’t post on Facebook as it is too specific and quite outing.

I am struggling to set boundaries within my (very close / immediate) family. I have asked for advice and I have followed a lot of what people suggested with some small successes. I am curious though as to how people would deal with the following scenarios in terms of boundary setting. For context I am a little burnt out, peri-menopausal and very much fell up. A little worried I may combust and say something I regret so I’m trying to be sensible and prevent that.

My child was visiting this weekend (pre-arranged) I knew we needed to be somewhere else 3.5hrs after they arrived (only 15 mins drive) My child gave me a rough time they would arrive so I decided to get ahead of the issue and send a message letting them know the latest time we would need to leave and stressed the importance of the event and that we were on time. I thought that would give them the chance to arrive at the beginning of their arrival estimation if they wanted to maximise their time with us. About 45 minutes before we needed to set off, I mentioned that I needed to start tidying up ready to leave. I started putting chairs away (all very obvious) I also asked my OH to go out and say to our younger children ‘you need to tidy your toys away now, we’re leaving for x,y,z in 10 minutes.’ And then eventually (because my adult child wasn’t packing anything up or getting ready to leave) I had to say that we needed to leave. We ended up being 10 minutes late to the next thing and I just don’t know how much clearer I could be.

The 2nd one I am interested in hearing advice about is how to set boundaries with my youngest child (9), I am hyper aware now that I must protect my time and my boundaries with them now so that I’m not still trying to do it in 15-20 years time like I am with my older child. I am gentle because they are young but it’s hard. For example, I have asked them to not come and ask me to help them / watch them do something / basically want my attention whilst I have my 1st coffee of the day (6-7 minute job) I don’t think that’s much to ask but they insist on still invading my space and talking to me and demanding my attention. I have said ‘remember not until I’ve finished my coffee.’ About 10,000 times! They asked me earlier to check the weather for tomorrow and I (not so gently) reminded them that I am allowed to look at my phone after a day filled with taking very good care of them and that they have a device they could check k the weather on.

Someone help me because I’m starting to not like people very much and I don’t want to be that person.

Yes I will have to be more direct but I suppose I resent them forcing me to be that direct. I thought I had raised them to respect someone repeatedly and clearly saying they need something.

Sorry if I've got this wrong but you were waiting for your oldest to leave so you (and not your oldest) could go out?

Just leave them, tell them to lock up, go out!!

7 minutes uninterrupted? Not going to happen.

They have their own home. I don’t have a key to their home either, they were visiting.

You could have given them a key and they could have put it through the letter box, under a plant etc.

Did your oldest never live in the house you own now? It sounds very formal, with appointment times and no key. Not very inviting or comfortable.

I don’t think you understand what boundaries are. Boundaries are for you, not for anyone else. You can’t set boundaries for other people, you set them for yourself and it can include how you respond to other people.

You are giving all the power to other people - then resenting them when they don’t do what you want them to. So you aren’t actually setting a boundary in example 1. You are dropping hints, trying to be ‘nice’, avoiding confrontation - then resenting your dd when she ignores you, which she has learned is just fine as there are no consequences 🤷‍♀️

i don’t think it’s boundaries you need to work on per se, maybe more assertiveness. Have you read ‘A Woman in Your Own Right’ by Anne Dickson? It’s often recommended on here, and I found it very helpful in becoming more assertive and able to clearly state my own wishes without guilt.

I cant comment on the adult child as I'm still some years off that, but lots of people are being weird about you expecting less than ten mins peace from a 9yo.

I instituted "not before my coffee" during lockdown (overwhelmed lone parent = needed to find ways to meet my own needs as well as everyone else's). DC were 8 and 2. They went with it, and they still do - sure, some mornings have had squabbles or spilled milk or whatever, but in the main, I calmly told them this was the deal and they go along with it. I'm available and tuned in so much of the time. I don't think it's too much to ask of them and they dont seem to either. I am a kinder parent for having had that, and it's important for them to see that I have needs/wants I make sure are met, too.

I can't help wondering whether your DP role models respecting your needs/boundaries, or the opposite?

Okay so, 9 year old should be able to dress themselves, feed themselves and take care of all
personal hygiene but not be able to entertain themselves for 7 minutes. Got it 😂

I can't be the only one thinking wtf 👀🫣

Thank you! You may have hit the nail on the head there actually. I’m a doormat and I know I have been and I’m trying to set healthy boundaries / rules but now I’m more confused!

A 9 year old should absolutely be able to dress and feed themself. Perhaps some reminding and supervision with hygiene.

Okay, so with 10 mins to go you pick up your bag, get your car keys, holler for the OH and younger kids, go to the front door and tell oldest child to get up and leave because they don’t have a key and you’re leaving now. What would happen if you did that? Would they refuse to go? If so, you need to have a completely different kind of conversation. That chain of actions isn’t being not-nice. Ignoring you is unacceptable. They can’t monopolise you or make you late unless there’s a crisis or emergency.

I often used to use phrases like “use your brain, not mine” when they were being too lazy to check things themselves, “use your eyes, not mine” when they couldn’t be bothered to look for something themselves, “look it up in the dictionary, it’s where it always is” etc etc etc. Nothing to do with boundaries. Everything to do with raising competent, independent people who learn respect for others by learning self-respect and watching me maintain mine.

Some of these replies are bonkers.

I’ve got a profoundly autistic 9 year old, and have still managed to teach him that if it’s 4am (or basically just early enough for us to say no) nobody is getting up with him, go back to bed.

He also knows that if I say “when I’ve finished this drink,” nothing else will happen until I’ve finished that drink.

He doesn’t like that knowledge, but he does have it.

You're being too nice. You don't really want to push it so they ignore you asking as they don't think you mean it. Be firmer. I second the recommendation of Anne Dickson's books above.

Thank you. Very helpful.

You don’t needy to be snappy to tell your eldest dc that you need to leave. Sounds like you were pussy footing around and hinting at them to leave (by tidying and communicating with them indirectly through younger dc).

I have a close relationship with my parents but they’d just make it clear.
Something like “right it’s time for you to go or I’ll be late for xyz.” It’s sometimes more about the tone and the way it’s delivered but I wouldn’t say that was snappy at all.

in fact with my parents I still have a key and I still feel very much like it’s my “other” home.
my mum & dad would literally have left me there and said “if you’re gone when we come back, have a nice evening. I’ll text you later”

Thank you. I think people are being really strange on here. I don’t think saying you have to leave to do something else (when you have other children and and in laws and a job etc and all the extra things that entails) and therefore setting a time limit (in this case 3.45 hours) for someone visiting is as weird as people are making it out to be. I really did exactly what you’re suggesting. I was putting furniture away whilst saying ‘I’m popping this away as we need to leave in 30 minutes’ and they weren’t gathering their things at all.

A 9 year old is perfectly capable to hold until mum finishes. A toddler I understand but teaching consideration should start as soon as they ca communicate with words.

Op, I never raise my voice, I just say I need a moment and if DS insists I tell him to wait for the specific time I need. He can tell me the same and it works. We started practicing by saying “I need a bit of privacy” when I thought he was old enough to let jd go to the toilet alone, then he used it when he didn’t want me to come into his room or interrupt a game.

with regards to thdd ex older one. I would hss as he just sent two messages, one to tell him a what t me we are leaving and another one asking him to meet us at destination.

Why don't you want them to have a spare key?

That's just weird.

I have 3 adult dc.
They all have keys to our house still.

I have the 'spare' set of keys for the two that have their own houses near by.
But if they were in my house without their key and didn't want to leave when I needed to, like a pp said, they could have locked the house and pushed the key through the letterbox.
It's just bizarre that you didn't say "Oi, we are going in 5 mins. Was there anything you needed before you go?" or whatever. It's your child - why can't you speak directly to them ?

Re the younger one, if that is so important to you, then follow all the advice on this thread and repeat, ad infinitum, "I need 5 mins on my own. I will come at {insert time}". However, it seems a really odd hill to die on.

The thing is you are treating the 9byesr old like a baby on one hand but expecting adult level consideration. I agree with a pp - be more assertive. Tonight I reminded dd it was nearly bed time and to get herself sorted. 20 minutes later I was annoyed as she still hadnt made any movements and so when she asked if she could havr a milky drink i said no. Firmly. She was now past bedtime and hadnt brushed her teeth.

Expecting a 9 year old to be spontaneously considerate is ridiculous. Rather, enforce the "boundary". Say, No, I cant help you with that until after my coffee. And mean it

And yes, kick adult dc out.

Your expectations are strange as you are not willing to enforce them.

I think people are deliberately misunderstanding. I did say eldest was ‘visiting’ to me that’s pretty obvious they don’t live at home. I’m wrong for making sure teeth are brushed and pants aren’t crusty but wrong for expecting 7 minutes twice a week! I’ve got a recommendation for a book that sounds useful. I just need to read it when the kids are asleep and when I’m not working or cleaning up or cooking because it would be unrealistic to expect them to allow me to read it according to lots of
people. I’ll just read it when I’m dead.

I never said I didn’t but it’s not the point of
my post and frankly none of your business.

How old will your 9 year-old be before you can trust them to brush their own teeth and change their underwear without your direct supervision?

I literally said ‘we’re leaving in 30 minutes.’

Get a 10 minute egg timer and be very clear on the rules.

'When I set this egg timer it means either 1) I am having quiet time and do not want to be disturbed, or 2) we are leaving the house when the sand runs out.'

Practice using it and reward them like puppies when they get it right.