How do you set firmer family boundaries without becoming snappy?

[Lilypad789]

Please don’t post on Facebook as it is too specific and quite outing.

I am struggling to set boundaries within my (very close / immediate) family. I have asked for advice and I have followed a lot of what people suggested with some small successes. I am curious though as to how people would deal with the following scenarios in terms of boundary setting. For context I am a little burnt out, peri-menopausal and very much fell up. A little worried I may combust and say something I regret so I’m trying to be sensible and prevent that.

My child was visiting this weekend (pre-arranged) I knew we needed to be somewhere else 3.5hrs after they arrived (only 15 mins drive) My child gave me a rough time they would arrive so I decided to get ahead of the issue and send a message letting them know the latest time we would need to leave and stressed the importance of the event and that we were on time. I thought that would give them the chance to arrive at the beginning of their arrival estimation if they wanted to maximise their time with us. About 45 minutes before we needed to set off, I mentioned that I needed to start tidying up ready to leave. I started putting chairs away (all very obvious) I also asked my OH to go out and say to our younger children ‘you need to tidy your toys away now, we’re leaving for x,y,z in 10 minutes.’ And then eventually (because my adult child wasn’t packing anything up or getting ready to leave) I had to say that we needed to leave. We ended up being 10 minutes late to the next thing and I just don’t know how much clearer I could be.

The 2nd one I am interested in hearing advice about is how to set boundaries with my youngest child (9), I am hyper aware now that I must protect my time and my boundaries with them now so that I’m not still trying to do it in 15-20 years time like I am with my older child. I am gentle because they are young but it’s hard. For example, I have asked them to not come and ask me to help them / watch them do something / basically want my attention whilst I have my 1st coffee of the day (6-7 minute job) I don’t think that’s much to ask but they insist on still invading my space and talking to me and demanding my attention. I have said ‘remember not until I’ve finished my coffee.’ About 10,000 times! They asked me earlier to check the weather for tomorrow and I (not so gently) reminded them that I am allowed to look at my phone after a day filled with taking very good care of them and that they have a device they could check k the weather on.

Someone help me because I’m starting to not like people very much and I don’t want to be that person.

As a grown adult, I don’t need more than 4hrs of my mother’s time. Unless something is wrong. But for a random visit, if she’s got something on, that’s not offensive - I have plenty to busy myself with too.

I disagree entirely that being a mum means giving your whole self to your children regardless of how old they are.

We deserve some time for us, and to be able to do things that aren’t centred around the kids all of the time.

We also are human beings with needs, and not just constant vats of unlimited attention.

OP, how many children are there total? Does the non-disabled 9yo see what the disabled other child (also 9?) gets in terms of treatment/attention, and not realise the same rules don't apply for them?

I'm not judging in any way, because yes I 100% agree a 9yo should be able to leave you in peace for 10 mins. I'm just wondering if they are not realising that themselves because there are other children with additional needs for whom the rules about leaving you alone are different?

Re adult child, have you read the theory about Ask Culture vs Guess Culture? Askers are happy to state their needs and ask things of others plainly, because they are fully ok to receive a 'no' answer. Guessers would not ask outright because they find saying no hard, and do not want to put someone in the awkward position of having to say no to them.

Guessers find Askers rude and overbearing because they ask ask ask with no thought as to how having to refuse someone something can be difficult. Askers find Guessers frustrating because they do not state their needs or just say no when they can't deliver. Resentment build all round.

You and your adult child may have different communication styles in this regard - you find it difficult to be forthright and say ok you've got to leave now, but your child finds you frustrating because you just drop hints and don't say what's actually what (I am over-generalising, I know you texted them the time you needed to leave, and made several comments) but it could be something along these lines? Do your children ask things plainly of you, and does it make you uncomfy?

Choose a piece of quiet, peaceful music that’s as long as you want your break to be. Make your coffee, put the music on and sit down. Make it clear that you’ll be available again when the music ends. And by all means read while you’re on your break - children should definitely see you reading!

Thank you!

When you have said no once and they ask again, your second 'NO' needs to be quite a firm cross 'NO.' possibly followed by a very sharp 'and do not ask again! No means no!' you seem a bit scared of sounding snappy, why is that? If you dont sound cross/snappy you aren't conveying to your children that this behaviour isnt acceptable and is annoying you. Sometimes sounding snappy isn't a bad thing its altering your tone of voice to add an extra piece of communication to your child that their behaviour is irritating you.

And as for your older child... If they weren't picking themselves up to get out of your hair, why on earth did you not just say to them oi shift yourself we are going out so you need to move!!!

You sound like you pussyfoot a bit and hope they will pick up stuff from you busying around them... Use your voice and tell them firmly to shift themselves!! Are you afraid to sound like you are in charge or something?

Couldnt you just have said 'sorry we are leaving, here's a key post it back when you are leaving'. Feels like you are ushering them out of the house

Reading your posts, it all sounds a bit compartmentalised.

You can 'give your adult daughter 4 hours'
You must 'have 10mins to drink a coffee on your own'

etc.
I 'get' that desire to have a little bit of time to switch off for a few minutes, but I have always taken it at a time when the dc don't actually need me. It just seems strange to be that you have to ring fence that time, even if your child wants to talk to you at that point.
When my adult dc want to hang out, and I have to go somewhere else, more often than not I'll say "I'm going to X at 3 o'clock. Do you want to come?" Usually they don't, but it gives them an option. They can still hang with me but they have to do it at the supermarket or wherever I am going.

I suppose we are all different. They weren’t invited to the other place that we were going (someone else’s house) I’m not asking for advice on whether it’s fair to only spend 4 hours with my child or whether it’s okay to ask for 7 minutes quiet to drink my coffee. I want to know how to tell them that it’s time to leave when I feel like I’ve been quite clear about what I have to do. I have lots of very close family and I’m not prepared to give all my time to only one person at the expense of everyone else. It has made me
realise that they maybe need a key but it’s quite a responsibility locking up someone else’s house I’m not sure they would want that.

Of course you should be able to have a few mins to drink your coffee! These replies are crazy. How are your children going to learn to respect other people's needs if you don't teach them to respect yourself. You don't want them to grow up to be one of those awful people you read about on here who push and push others until they get what they want, ignoring the their friend's attempts to refuse politely.

I'm trying to do this sort of thing with my 5 year old. I just keep telling him I won't do whatever it is he wants as I need a rest/break/to finish a task and I will do his thing after 'x' has happened. Then assert my boundary by doing as I say. I ignore him if he carries on at me too much. It doesn't mean he's not an annoying so and so sometimes for the whole of my rest but I think I'm slowly training him. I think the suggestion of using a timer is a good idea, I do that sometimes.

I sat in a class of 7 year olds yesterday. They were (bar the autistic boy) all silent to do the maths starter then got out reading books until the lesson began. They’re in a routine and the teacher was firm, no nastiness, just insistent. I think you’ve been pfb mum with your eldest, so boundaries are hard to enforce. Same with the 9 year old, who should be easily able to entertain themself for 7 minutes!

You’re being a walkover. Imo, you need to use much stronger words and stick by them ‘I’m drinking coffee, I want to drink it alone, go play/read/watch TV for 10 minutes’. Don’t allow them to endlessly demand attention (which it sounds like you have). I’m assuming this child is neurotypical, I think you need to be much firmer. Do you feel guilty that your attention is often away from them due to having a disabled child? I can understand this, but for your own sanity, I’d say much clearer phrasing is needed and absolutely no caving. I cannot understand pp saying you can’t expect 7 minutes alone. Yes, you really can!

But it’s not « someone else’s house » - it’s their own family home. 🥴

So many things feel slightly off about all of this, the way the coffee time is such an exact « 7 minutes » and the minutiae of your timings / arrival times / messages to adult DC when all you had to do was just to go somewhere with your kids.

Does your family perceive you as anxious / uptight / exacting, and maybe that’s why adult DC was dragging their feet and doesn’t want a key to your house?

I used to feel a bit swamped by my DC at times, I think it's perfectly normal to just want the odd few minutes where no one is demanding anything of you especially a 9 year old. I would ask them if they want a drink/need anything first because once you set a timer, you want complete peace around you and that means no questions! 10 minutes of no talking isn't too much to ask for at that age.

I don't understand this idea of it but being possible. @Lilypad789 OP, I totally get what you're saying. I actually do the same thing. My 2.5 year old and my 5 year old can manage it. They get the train set or magna tiles out or whatever and know that for 20 minutes (yes. 20 minutes!) And when I have my coffee and sit in my 'morning coffee' spot, I'm not playing, sorting or mediating or whatever. Usually they're OK. Occasionally I get moidered for a bit, but it's not the norm.

Can your 9 year old tell the time? I'd get them to go to their room/designated area and come back after 15m. It's a great skill to find something to occupy yourself with, or try a new skill or something.

No idea what you'd do with the older one though, I'm not there yet.

But I do agree with some that you might be misunderstanding the word 'boundary ' with your 9 year old (not the oldest ones though!)

This.
Whats wrong with snapping when they are wilfully ignoring you?
You have feelings and needs too. Sounds like a former approach is needed.

I think I wrote it a little clumsily and people didn’t necessarily understand. However, you have understood the essence of what I was asking thank you. I will just keep reasserting my need for some time etc. I didn’t with the older ones and this is the outcome, adults that don’t understand that someone is not available to them 24/7. I actually think I did them a disservice by being so available and now they struggle with other people’s boundaries (whilst protecting their own of course 😂) I don’t want to get into tit for tat with people really but some people need to realise that not everyone chooses the amount of children that are born from one pregnancy or whether they are disabled or not. I also couldn’t have predicted that my eldest relatives would live to almost 100. It’s a busy time in my life and I have to manage it accordingly and protect some of my time in order to keep sane. I won’t feel guilty about that anymore.

Thank you. One can, I am going to start setting a timer though!

It’s had to become like this because people were saying ‘you can’t expect 10 minutes quiet.’ So I felt the need to point out that it’s not 10 minutes at all. I also have had to be precise with times because the child I’m referring to wasn’t listening when I said we needed to leave and has previously made it so we couldn’t do our activity in the afternoon because they didn’t leave in time. They then went and did an activity and I felt quite resentful that my younger children missed out on something they had been told we were doing because they didn’t respect what I had told them. I asked advice in here and almost everyone said that I needed to be precise and clear with them regarding times so that’s what I’ve done. The people we were visiting in the afternoon had a time they wanted us to arrive, I can’t understand why that’s a problem to anyone or weird at all. I don’t see any problems doing something with someone in the morning and something else later in the day that requires leaving at a certain time. I’ve said we had 3.4-4 hours together only because I didn’t want people to think we expected them to leave after an hour which wouldn’t be nice.

It’s a new home, they never lived here. We don’t have a key to their home either. Not everyone is the same. There’s no hint that it’s a problem that we don’t share keys.

@Lilypad789

I don’t think enough people appreciate how absolutely tapped out caring for a disabled child can make you. It’s intense, basically all of the time.

If it’s helpful, our preverbal child learned to wait for the limited time he can by being shown an iPhone timer counting down, and the idea was when the “circle finished” we’d be available.

Telling him I’m trying to drink a coffee would just make him force it into my face to make it go down quicker. The circle became a universal sign for “not yet,” whatever the reason. And now he just does “not yet.” 😂

Thank you! Between work, staying active, being a daughter, granddaughter, mum, partner and grandma there’s not much time or energy left. I don’t understand why people think it’s so weird to have plans with adult children that need an end time. Of course it’s not always that way, I don’t always have plans afterwards but if I do then it’s because they’re important. My young one is intense and I am trying to stay sane through this busy time in my life.

I think you were perfectly clear and the other posters must just be martyrs. I guess this is why present day university students and graduates in their first jobs have the reputation that they do currently?

My mum was very kind and had lots of time for me. But she wasn't at my beck and call 24/7. She regularly spent time gardening, decorating or drawing whilst I entertained myself. From about age 6/7 if I was complaining I was bored she would have directed me to ringing a friend and inviting them round. Yes, I a 7 year old rang the landline at my friends house, spoke to whomever answered and asked to talk to my friend and invited them over! And my friends did the same back.

I honestly don’t understand why you can’t simply say - honey we need to leave in 20 mins to do xyz so it’s time to go much as I’ve loved seeing you. I cannot understand why you would have missed an activity because they did not leave.

Where on earth is your DP/DH in all this?

Sometimes my DPs overstay and I say things like right, sorry kicking you out now haha as I need to cook dinner/go out/fo xyz. They just laugh and say oops is that the time?

It has made me realise that they maybe need a key but it’s quite a responsibility locking up someone else’s house I’m not sure they would want that.

I thought you said they were an adult, with their own hose, not an 11 yr old ?

This, exactly.

This is such an odd thread.

I want to know how to tell them that it’s time to leave when I feel like I’ve been quite clear about what I have to do. I have lots of very close family and I’m not prepared to give all my time to only one person at the expense of everyone else.

This is so strange, I can’t imagine my mother saying this about me or me thinking it about my children when they are older.
My mother would just say she was going out because X was prearranged, I could stay and see her after or let myself out when I was ready to leave.
Did this DC live in your current home during their childhood? It’s odd to tell them it’s time to leave at a pre agreed time, I just don’t know anyone who acts like that with their children.
It all sounds quite detached.

I’m not sure they have a hose. You’re being deliberately obtuse. They’re adults, why on earth would them staying 10 / 15 / 20 minutes later than the time we leave be beneficial to them in any way, shape or form after visiting for 4 hours? So that they then have to ensure my elderly dog is comfortable, the radio is on, certain doors are shut etc all to not have to pack up and leave at the time I said they needed to and reminded them of three times?