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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He has imported his Chinese woman :(

67 replies

CowsGoMoo · 24/06/2008 15:04

Hi, don't know if anyone remembers my thread from a while back regarding my husband coming back from his business trip to Beijing and being 'odd'?

Well I found out last night that he has finally imported her into the country, minus the baby and has installed her at his parents house

I managed to get a job recently (at a school) and start on the 3rd July (Thurs) as the children's school finishes on the 4th July and my new school job term doesn't end until the 23rd July i had asked his mum to look after the children....

but now Chinese woman is there, what am I to do? have spoken to every nursery childminder in the county and there is no one who can help me out. I am desperate for the kids not to meet her.

Why is she at my mil and fil's?????? why is she even in this country without her child? what sort of woman is she?

help me, my once sane life is a mess and im often to be found on the floor, being trodden upon by everyone.

CGM x

OP posts:
Mung · 24/06/2008 15:07

I didn't read your other thread, but from what you have said here, I can get the gist of what happened. I totally understand why you dont want your children to go to your inlaws and meet this lady. Can they not come to you to look after the children?

I dont have much more advice as I dont know the full story, but I really hope you can get something sorted.

suzywong · 24/06/2008 15:10

oh dear, you poor thing,
I hope you can get something sorted out

are you formally separated?

Original poster
CowsGoMoo · 24/06/2008 15:11

my previous thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/7/509214

OP posts:
CoteDAzur · 24/06/2008 15:12

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like a very difficult situation.

That he has 'imported' her and that she now lives with his parents suggests to me that this woman will stay in his life for the foreseeable future. In that case, I am afraid your children will meet her at some point.

I don't know how old your kids are, but if they are of an age where they will take this separation hard, maybe you could ask him not to present her to them right away and let them get used to the idea of their parents separating first.

Original poster
CowsGoMoo · 24/06/2008 15:14

no we have not done anything really, I have asked numerous times about when she was going to come and he never responded, he tells me that the 'affair' is over and seeing as she is here for business that is why she is staying at his parents as its cheaper than a hotel. I have put the house on the market and spoken to a solicitor but thats as far as I've got. How stupid am I?

OP posts:
Alfreda · 24/06/2008 15:15

Do you have friends who could look after the kids for those 3 weeks? How about holiday clubs? With the early finish I'd guess they are in private education and you are working in the State sector. There will be clubs etc at your local sports centre and elsewhere. How about your own siblings, would they take the kids for a week's holiday?
Best of luck.

Twiglett · 24/06/2008 15:29

oh my god

I am so sorry you are going through this .. how unfair

I have no advice, but couldn't read this (and your original) thread without offering support

Buda · 24/06/2008 15:34

Have just read your other thread - what a total shit.

Am so sorry - agree you shouldn't have to let your DCs see the other woman.

Try posting on here in the childminder section - you may find someone that way.

watsthestory · 24/06/2008 15:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Alexa808 · 24/06/2008 16:06

Hello CGM, I remember your other thread and was wondering how you were. So and for you...

It's just unfair how much is being piled onto you and your dc. Your PIL should be ashamed. the absolute lowest of the low!

I'm afraid I don't know what the best solution would be for you. Can't you try and get your parents to look after the dc? Or a kind neighbour or try to find someone on MN? For the sake of your dc I think it might be best they are kept away from her as te evident questions will come up and they'll be confused and worried.

fuzzywuzzy · 24/06/2008 16:32

I'd start divorce proceedings now if I were you, can you still name her in the divorce petition...

onceinalifetime · 24/06/2008 16:44

Just read the whole of your other thread - had previously read about dh being horrible but was away from mn for a while so hadn't caught up with the dreadful business with the Chinese slapper.

I'm sure you'll find someone to help with the children - appeal to your friends, via school and mn. You'll be very stressed if they're with mil and co.

If you can muster the strength, press on with the solicitor/divorce and don't believe the crap about the affair being over - he's only saying that so you don't name her as the third party.

eandz · 24/06/2008 16:48

yeah, sometimes a mans penis is cleverer than his brain...even if not very humane.

expatinscotland · 24/06/2008 16:50

how exactly did he 'import' her here?

she's a non-EU national/Commonwealth national.

as such, she needs to have entered on a work permit, on the HSMP, as a student (there's another programme that allows young, recent university grads to spend 6 months in the UK) or as his fiancee - in which he has 6 months to marry her.

if he brought her as a visitor/tourist, and she is not here to visit the country, then she entered under fraudulent means.

it's possible some come as unmarried partners, but this has become more limited as it used to be a way for same-sex partners, one of whom is British or EU/EEA national, to be together but now they can have a civil partnership instead and required the couple to provide evidence of having lived together for at least 2 years.

i would NOT file for divorced straightway.

i would, however, see a solicitor asap.

chocolatespiders · 24/06/2008 16:51

just want you to know we are here for you to offload onto....

lots of us on here who have come through a break up...

expatinscotland · 24/06/2008 16:51

i'd try to find out what type of visa he got her into the country on.

and if it's a visitor and she's living with his parents and in a relationship with him, i'd grass them both to the Home Office.

she could be deported and banned from re-entry for a certain period of time.

he could face charges.

eandz · 24/06/2008 16:54

yes, DOO get him in trouble with the law. if you can. infact implicate your pils also (if you can).

onceinalifetime · 24/06/2008 16:55

I think she was working/living in the UK previously. Just reread previous thread - he met her in a herbal medicine shop......she started by giving him massages

expatinscotland · 24/06/2008 16:59

unless she was working under her work permit long enough to have applied for and successfully received Indefinite Leave to Remain (ILR), which also means she must not leave the UK for a period of more than 2 years after being granted ILR, then her work permit is invalid 30 days after she left the employ of the employer who sponsored her in the first place.

She would need to have worked and lived here on that work permit for a period of 5 years before applying for ILR.

A working permit is actually stamped into the person's passport and the employer has to have proved to the Home Office that no UK or EU/EEA area national could be found to do the job, which I somehow doubt a brothel manager would have been able to successfully prove.

waffletrees · 24/06/2008 17:00

Hello CGM. I was just thinking about you today.

It is great that you have got a job. It must have given you a real boost. You will make loads of friends and give you something to smile about.

Have you got any SAHM friends nearby? I have helped out loads of my WAHM friends when they have childcare nightmares. Ask around, sometimes it can be surprising the kindness of others.

Your DH is a bell-end and you sound like you are best off without him. Your PILs sound like tossers too.

expatinscotland · 24/06/2008 17:01

hold your horses, OP.

see a solicitor and find out how she came here.

if it's as a visitor, but she's living with his parents, has a child with him and other evidence that points to her having come here to settle with him and so the visa was gained under false pretenses.

expatinscotland · 24/06/2008 17:02

if you find out this is so, then best to get her deported and THEN petition to divorce him on the grounds of adultery and take him for all he is worth.

Buda · 24/06/2008 17:13

expat speaks very wisely.

clouded · 24/06/2008 17:30

Yes, don't divorce him until you know how she came here. Expat is quite right.
Your other problem is a hard one. Try not to let them go to your Pils as it will be so upsetting for you (the children would probably be OK).

littlewoman · 24/06/2008 17:56

Hello Cowsgomoo, she's here then? You must feel awful right now. But she isn't any better than you, okay? She is just another woman, and a novelty. Once the novelty's worn off, he'll be stuck with someone so selfish she'll break up a family to get what she wants. And who wants to be with someone that selfish? He's hardly bagged himnself a bargain, has he?

Hope you get some help with child care. It's about time Fate gave you a break.