BF said that he would never date again if he was single with kids

[ThisSparklyNewt]

So me and my BF were watching first dates the other night in which he says "You know, if we had kids and split up together then there is zero point in getting into a relationship". He says that if he was a single father then he'd just focus on his kids and if he needed sex then would just hookup with women but doesnt care about emotional support or connection as he would miss sex more. He thinks there is no point in being in a relationship or getting married if your not planning on having kids.

Another thing he says is that he could never love or feel anything for another woman

You might have to explain what the problem is here.

Are you annoyed your boyfriend would prioritise his kids over another relationship?

Too many men jump into new relationships and make their children meet multiple "step" mothers, your boyfriend has said he wouldn't. What's the problem?

I feel the same tbh. I would focus on my children and on me and enjoy not living with a man (I love the one I live with now but I wouldn't choose to do this again).

I thought that but after 6 years break, I decided to date on the days they go to their dads. It’s very lonely otherwise.

@Undertheeaves interesting although I asked him what if we split but didnt have kids together then his response was "then id be motivated to get into a relationship just to start a family"

Yeah I can see that. Never say never I guess.

Yes I completely agree I would do the same. I think he's quite normal in his thinking?

Are you saying you’re afraid your only point in his mind was kids? That he doesn’t want a relationship because he doesn’t see the good in yours? I think we all jumped to ‘ahh, how lovely he loves her so much he wouldn’t want to date again!’

whats the problem? Im a single mum and haven’t dated in 10 years, though I haven’t had sex either Tbf

Has the conversation left you thinking that he sees relationships as only having worth if they lead to children and therefore it feeling like a value judgement about you and women in general in having the ability/desire to have children?

We’ve both said this as well in the event we were ever to split. I couldn’t be arsed dating again, I wouldn’t have the time with 2 young kids and I’m self sufficient. Most of my friends say the same

Mant single parents do as your bf suggests.

I've been a single parent for 8 years. No dates, sex etc.

I absolutely would have no interest in dating again when my kids still lived at home. And would never want to live with a man again

How long are you together?

Sounds off to me.

Is he just looking for someone to have kids with? There's a lot more to a relationship than that.

It all sounds weird to me. So he'd never have another relationship? Never love anyone apart from you...it obviously doesn't sit right with you either if you are posting about it. Is he just saying what he thinks you would want to hear? Slight love bombing? How does he know how he will feel about hypothetical children not even born yet

😂

Feels a bit OTT. It's a chat while watching TV, not his deeply thought-out treatise. What he says sounds pretty solid. Loves OP, doesn't want anyone else, wouldn't want anyone else if they split with kids because his focus is on the kids. He can't be expected to know all the ins and outs of love and parenting yet, but to jump to lovebombing or using OP to procreate is a bit alarmist. Much worse if he's said "if we split up with kids I'd fall in love again and have more kids. I can definitely see myself loving other women and not prioritising any kids we'd had."

Most posters have pointed out the positive aspect, that he would put kids first. Which is good.

But I admit I initially read it as "the only point of women is for breeding and being useful for hook up sex". As for the thought of being with a woman for her company, personality, shared values, interests etc, forget all that hassle. Just a walking vagina/womb.

I can see how this might make the OP feel like she had already fulfilled her purpose of incubating children and was now therefore mostly for sexual gratification.

For my own part, sex and emotional intimacy are deeply intertwined.

@moderate they've not had kids yet as I read it - "if we had kids" - so no incubation or gratification purpose put to the test and it's all pure conjecture in a possibly youngish couple while watching telly. I really don't think it's that deep.

TBH it doesn't sound that different from quite a lot of women, in that they only want to casually date a man for the days that they are bored, basically just a man to take them on dates and nothing else.

Ah yeah, I misread it.
Bottom line logic doesn't change though...

He appears to view women as useful as either a brood mare or a sex toy, and isn't in the slightest bit interested in a loving relationship or developing a close bond with someone. He has said he doesn't want emotional support or connection, so it seems like a relationship with him would be purely transactional.

Give him a wide berth.

I've just told my kids that after two divorces, the first being brutal, of ai had the choices they've now, (and the social acceptance) I'd just go to a sperm bank to have my children. Most men in my eyes are utterly useless these days - unlike my lovely, funny, kind, dad. I'm just praying that my own son pulls his weight around the house for the benefit of his relationship as he grows older.

Even if this were true, how is it any different to women who only date for the purpose of having a baby? Who settle with men they're not particularly attracted to because they're in their 30s and want a baby?

This site is littered with threads along those lines.

1. "Men they're not particular attracted to" is not equivalent to "isn't the slightest bit interested in a loving relationship or developing a close bond with someone".
2. What point are you actually trying to make here? That two wrongs make a right?