Opinions on new partner coming round to what was our ‘Marital’ home.

[tiredconfusedhungry]

Very quick post I’m interested in others opinions.

Background, STEXH cheated on me, I found out and we separated a year ago. He’s still with OW. We are selling our jointly owned home. Who ever has our two children stays at the house, he stays with his GF when he doesn’t have the kids and I stay with my mum.

I have now met someone and have let my ex know that the person I’m seeing is popping round next week (daytime, children are not there) it is literally for 1 hour (he’s bringing lunch) as I have no child free time at all in the next 12 days due to ex working away/his social engagements. I thought it was the mature thing to do to give him the heads up, rather than he finds out from a nosy neighbour.

STBEX has said he’s fine with that but ‘doesn’t want’ him spending nights at the house. We’re not even there yet, we’ve not even slept together. But when I pushed him on why, he couldn’t answer me.

To my mind, when the children aren’t at the house, it is my home surely and I can have people over if I want? I would never invite my new partner over when my kids are there, we’re no where near the point of introductions even.

It’s made me a bit angry. He went and started a whole fucking relationship while we were still married and yet I’m being told what I can and cannot do. Ex even went as far to say he finds it strange that my new bf would want to be in ‘our’ house?

YANBU and you don't need his permission for this. However, if you're still figuring out the divorce / finances and trying to co-parent amicably, it may be worth trying to keep him on side. It's easier for everyone if you have a civil relationship. As you don't even want to do it at this stage, maybe leave this for now and revisit in future if necessary.

Ignore him

He’s trying to control you but he gets no say in this - you’re free to do what you like.

And so far we have been very amicable, civil, respectful.

But since he found out I was seeing someone he’s changed. He’s become very argumentative, asking lots of invasive questions etc it just annoys me. I don’t need him knowing anything about my life (that doesn’t affect the kids).

I find it odd you even told him. I’d ignore him, he can go off and have an affair but no other man can enter the previous marital home?! No way. Tell him to get lost. It’s absolutely none of his business.

Why would you even tell him? It's none of his business 🤷‍♀️ he lost the right to dictate who you see and where when he cheated on you. Hopefully the house will sell soon and you can move on!

Yeah I get that. It just felt like he would find out anyway, so I’d rather be the one that told him. Despite everything we’ve been doing really well so I didn’t want to mess it up over something so easily avoided.

I'd just get on with what you want to do and not worry about it.
He can't dictate what you do.
It is a strange setup that he stays at the house with the kids and you stay at your mum's.
He has his girlfriends to stay at so I'd be telling him to take the kids there in the future so you can get fully separated.
The longer that situation lasts the longer it will take to get to where you want to be.

I'd be happy to attempt to be civil, but if he's getting stroppy I'd look him in the eye and say, 'Mate. You shagged Sharon whilst we are married and are still doing so. You don't get to make conditions on what I do any longer. I informed you out of politeness that I was casually seeing someone, but I'm not going to be answering questions or letting you control my movements. Hope that's clear'

He’s a dick. Ignore.

@tiredconfusedhungry

Tell him this! 🙂

Dog in the manger.

He probably has always imagined that if he decided to come back, you'd let him. If you move on with someone else, well, how very dare you. He left but he doesn't want anyone else to have you.

Don't tell him anything about the new bf from now on.

Shag him in every room. 😂

My ex tried the same with me. Told me he didn’t want “anyone” staying over. I laughed in his face.

You do not need his permission it is your home

Going forward, I don’t think it’s a good idea. He comes and stays when he has a children.

How long is it gonna go on for you? Need to sell the house and then both by or rent your own properties and the children stay with you both?

Yes, it was polite of you to tell him boyfriend coming over but no need
You can do what you like when you like with who you like, especially if the children aren’t there

Sounds like he’s jealous and maybe the grass it greener living with a girlfriend

Yes in someway it’s good. The children are staying at his and hers but WAY the house should be your private space and he doesn’t need to keep coming in so my advice is to sell the property ASAP.

I have told you to be considerate. I do not need your permission. You do not get to ask personal questions about my relationship. If you feel uncomfortable about this please remind yourself how your relationship with your current girlfriend started and how reasonable I have been since then. I won't be discussing my relationship any further so please don't ask.

It’s been up for sale for a little while, but no luck so far. I’ll be renting in the town we currently live in because of the kids schools. He basically lives with her anyway, but he’s never taken the kids there. Plus it’s a bit far for school runs etc. we thought it was best that the kids stay in the house and we be the ones to move about.

I might get that tattooed on my arm ❤️

This.

It isn’t any of his business what you do anymore, so in future I would keep your cards close to your chest.

Funny how he doesn’t like it now that you’ve found someone, but it was ok for him to have an affair.

He’s an absolute arsehole with double standards.

OP - you definitely don't need to discuss it with ex. Not his business.

So what happens to the arrangement when the house is sold. Move into your rental property? cos there is no way in hell you should let that happen. you need to sort other arrangements now not later.

As for the new boyfriend nice to give him the heads up but that’s it end of discussion.

This is how I feel
yes nice for kids to be in own home

but I wouldn’t want ex dh poking about in my home

Why are you even telling him? He lost any rights to care when he was shagging someone else while still
with you. He’s got a cheek!!

Next time don’t tell him. If he asks just say it was a last minute thing.

Use a parenting app to communicate with him, don't allow him to contact you in any other way.