How to handle a sudden break-up and getting my things back

[Applepie285]

Been in a relatively short relationship, 8 months. He suddenly dropped on me today that he doesn’t feel he’s ready for the commitment of our relationship (despite him pursuing me initially, and being very keen on us being official).

We booked a weekend away together for my birthday in early July, and just made the final payments last week. It was his idea!

I’m blindsided, but I know someone who can chop and change so quickly isn’t someone I would want to be with anyway.

He broke up over a phone call and kept reiterating how much he loves me but just doesn’t feel like he is in the headspace for a relationship. He seemed a bit put out when I replied neutrally and said, "Thanks for letting me know, I’d hate to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t really into me."

He immediately protested this and went on a speech about how much he loves me and how much I mean to him. I didn’t reciprocate 🙄

He was also really keen on us remaining friends. I didn’t say much on that topic, as I don't think it would be healthy.

He has a few items of clothing of mine I’d like back, and I'm thinking how best to navigate this. I’m considering sending a direct text requesting if he can just drop them off at my front door or porch when he has a chance?

Does anyone have tips on how to navigate all of this in a dignified manner?

TIA!

I'd avoid him at all costs. Clothes are replaceable.
Sounds like a head worker . He will make you miserable if you keep in touch

Yes I don’t intend on staying in touch. I do want my things back though as some of the stuff was quite expensive.

I'd just message him asking for a date/time you can come pick your stuff up. Get your stuff and immediately leave.

I would agree with this. He thought you would do the pick me dance and you didn't. Well done you!
He may turn up at your door with your clothes and claim he's changed his mind or hang on to them to see if you will contact him about them. Unless they were very valuable, I would let them go

Cross posted! I would message him and tell him you want your clothes back and give him a couple of days/times.

Can you arrange for someone to go and get your stuff. Ask him to leave it in a bag somewhere or just have it ready to collect

Ask for a time and date to collect your things, tell him you want them ready for when you get there, then send someone else to collect for you. He sounds like a head messer, he wanted you to beg for him to stay in a relationship with you. Well done on copping onto his games and replying the way you did x

Text him for a time to pick up your stuff.

He really thought you'd play the pick me dance. He likes to play mind games and blow hot and cold. Friends, come on. He's trying to keep you on a loose string. Just be done after you get your clothes.

One of them is a pricey dress, house of CB, ~£200. I really hate the thought of letting it go!

Yup, his response when I was indifferent and said I didn’t want to be with someone who wasn’t interested in me was very full of protest and denial. And laying it on thick how much he deeply loves me. It totally put me off anyway. I meant what I said to him, it wasn’t saving face or an act.

I’m working away this week, on the day I’m heading home I’m going to text him asking for my stuff, I might suggest he leaves it in my front porch as we live nearby. Ideally I want to avoid seeing him face to face.

I wouldn’t even give him a warning. I’d turn up with a friend, give him a list of stuff and say you’ll wait outside so he is on the spot and can’t fuck around. Friend can stay in car if you want.

Or you can wait in car!

Can you send a friend or relative to collect your things? I bet he’s looking forward to the drama of you turning up, don’t give him that satisfaction!

Ah brings back memories I just purchased a £3000 sofa first new one I ever had and then found ex was cheating 2 days later, I left everything other than what I could carry and never looked back...I still think about that sofa lol but my peace was worth much more and several years on my now dh got me new everything so worked out

Yes I think he’s ridiculous and emotionally immature. We were spending lots of time together, already in a relationship, to suddenly get cold feet shows me he has poor emotional capacity and is fickle. Not qualities I want from a potential future husband!

I feel like he’s done me a favour by showing his hand.

A few years ago I would have had an extremely emotional response and felt really down about it all. I feel quite upbeat that I’ve obviously matured and learnt how to regulate now.

I hope I have this happy ending with someone who is a bit nicer! Congrats on your escape 💐

Exactly. I’m old, been in this situation with ex, friends, family. It’s always easier to turn up unannounced and with company. Less wriggle room and they get embarrassed and comply.

I had a similar thing happen in a short term relationship (except I was the dumper!) and it was out of blue but my feels just changed and we started to misalign on key things. Anyway, he had something I really wanted back so I asked if I could come by to collect. He agreed, I went over, we made small talk, it was awkward as he was so sad, "I was his forever" apparently and I found myself apologising too much then making my excuses to leave. Wish I'd left my things behind, in hindsight could have easily been replaced. Note: he was married with a child on the way within 6 months so that made me feel a bit better.

Don't stay in touch.
Arrange a time to go get your stuff, go with a friend of possible, so he doesn't talk you round. He does sound toxic, expecting you to cry and beg for him to stay as done on drama tv soap operas, you caught him off guard by saying oh okay.
A blunt text to ask for him to drop off your stuff or a mutual pick up time then cut him dead. No friends.
My ex wanted friends, that leads to friends with benefits until he finds someone new and youre dumped AGAIN from a great height.
Also you had mutual feelings for him, they're are no half measures, he didn't want this relationship so bye bye. no friends, he doesn't get what he wants.
its awkward.
Anyway I'm digressing
A text to arrange time for pick up drop off of clothing & if it doesn't happen, he flakes or messes you about then buy new clothes. Don't let this guy back into your life. As for the holiday see if you can get a refund otherwise write it off

I think if he said his feelings had changed I wouldn’t have been so 🙄 about it. But he was confessing his deep love while bringing up sudden commitment issues. Just seemed a bit fishy/immature. How I imagine a breakup goes when you’re about age 16 lol.

god I definitely want to avoid any face to face contact! Just really want my dress in particular back, it’s new 😢

@Applepie285 Could you replace the dress via Vinted maybe?!

Possibly but the resale value is very high.

I’m considering sending a direct text requesting if he can just drop them off at my front door or porch when he has a chance?

Do this but be clear on the most important thing(s) you really want back. It would be awful to have to contact him a second time.

I would go to his house with a friend and collect them. Just ring the bell at a time when you know he's home then he doesn't have time to mess around.
I know you don't want to see him face to face but it's just this one time. Collect everything you want then it's all over.

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