Overreacting or right to feel put out?

[TartealaFrangipane]

I've been with DP for almost a year and half now. We don't live together although there has been discussion about it, mainly prompted by him, but I think it's still too soon.

We get on incredibly well on pretty much every front except in the bedroom. I am very much attracted to him and he speaks and acts in a way that tells me he feels the same about me, the way he touches me, massages me, holds me, however, he has ED. He is 15 years older than me and I am in my early fifties, so not really unusual you are probably all thinking. Viagra hasn't worked and he is now on medication that can make ED even worse. We have never had proper penetrative sex, it almost happened twice and I've now given up on it happening, have come to terms with it, that my feelings for him are strong enough that it has stopped mattering.

Without going into too much detail, despite getting on very well, I have ended it a couple of times over the ED issue because I found out he was masturbating to Instagram and Facebook accounts and had liked a few photos, one woman in particular posing in fishnets, high heels, tight skirt, that kind of thing. I discussed it with him and it got quite heated and he made loads of excuses, but it struck me that he must have a sex drive, just not for me. Or he preferred masturbation.

I eventually let it go, he asked if we could try again.... it's been a couple of months and now it's all niggling me again...... yesterday we were talking about sleep routines, sleep hygiene, REM sleep, dreaming.... and he commented that "dreaming is such a strange thing, he never knows what he'll be dreaming about tonight, last night was some woman, tonight who knows..."

It's got my heckles up again ... I realise the masturbation and no sex is actually still a huge issue for me,,,, and will never go away. I've just spent the evening with a very good female friend who advised me on how to approach it... or that I should possibly even let it go...

On the one hand I feel I'm overreacting, on the other I think why on earth say that to me? I wouldn't say "oh I was dreaming about some random bloke last night, wonder what it will be tonight"....

I must add that my previous relationship was quite abusive and manipulative and he did and said many things to harm my self-esteem, and my friend also pointed out that this could be baggage getting triggered. Is he just being a typical male klutz with foot in mouth? Is he trying to make me feel bad about myself by making sure I know he dreams of other woman whilst failing to please me sexually? Does he want me to feel insecure because he's much older...... does he want to hurt me?

I didn't respond immediately when he said it as he had to leave for work and have not seen him since. But I know I have to bring it up otherwise it's going to fester and that's not a good place to be.... Help..

Just tell him how much it hurt you and why. His reaction may help you determine how this relationship moves forward.

Talk to him and tell how it made you feel.

You say you get on incredibly well apart from the bedroom. Have you communicated with him, how does he feel your relationship is?

Does he make an effort to please you in other ways than penetrative sex?

I think you have to talk to him about how his comment made you feel. It's quite possible that it was thoughtless rather than designed to make you feel bad about yourself and hurt you, but it needs to be addressed and not left to fester.

So am I right in thinking that he's able to maintain an erection and ejaculate during masturbation but not when he's attempting to have sex? Because that suggests the problem is psychological rather than physical. Performance anxiety?

So he can get an erection while masturbating? If this is the case it’s not a medical problem.
But you have to work out if this relationship is for you. You say your feelings are big enough to overcome the issue but the issue has been causing problems so it seem you’re fighting with yourself to stay with him.
However you need to get to the bottom of the ED because if he can masturbate then there is another problem that needs addressing.

Did I read that you've already ended it, then got back together a few times already? I think that in itself says alot. 18 months is still early in a relationship. It should still be fun, not plagued with problems. Perhaps you are just not compatible.

Honestly I think you’re wasting time on this one, he’s an elderly man that let’s be honest may not be around for that much longer, he’s getting himself off to random strangers more than you, that’s insulting. I’d not want to get involved with a man that much older to start building a life with now, it’s too late and you’re not satisfied.

I'm the same age as you - early 50s.

In your shoes, I'd be thinking that he does have a sex life it just doesn't include me.

ED is common in older men as a result of lower testosterone but, in my experience from talking to male friends, they tell me they don't have much interest in sex anymore generally anyway so it doesn't really matter (male friends in 60s and 70s).

As someone else said, if he can get an erection whilst looking at photos of much younger women whilst masturbating, it's not a physical problem.

Sadly, some men get older but are still 'only' attracted to younger women. They know they can't get one (although he has because you're still 15 years younger than him!) and 'settle' for what they can get.

It doesn't make for a very happy relationship though because you both end up dissatisfied.

I wouldn't be staying with him tbh. The lack of sex would be less of an issue for me than the fact he had a sex life but I wasn't included.

Is he just being a typical male klutz with foot in mouth?

Part of the reason women end up staying in shit relationships with shit men is this sort of attitude.

I think it will effect you long term, it will eventually erode your self confidence. Unless sex and feeling desired is not important to you, maybe end it and try and find someone else, ideally closer to your own age.

OP, this s a quite new relationship that isn't for you. Time to stop.

The fact he thinks it ok to tell you he dreams of other women is very telling. Either he was deliberately trying to undermine you or he is absolutely tone deaf to your feelings. You can't control what he dreams about but why tell you about his fantasies about other women given the sexual issue which already made you end the relationship once before?

Personally I couldn't get past the fact h e is so open about finding other women attractive and sexually stimulating whilst apparently not feeling the same about me.

I'm sorry but I can't see much happiness and fulfillment for you in this relationship OP.

You've only been together 18 months, so you dont really know his past relationships as he came with ED which if physical fine, but 'using' online account must have been going on for a long time. Was he single for a long time previously

If you have never had sex with him in a year and a half I don’t think it’s going to happen.

I wouldn’t personally get hung up about a passing comment about a dream. Maybe he still has a sex drive but he can’t physically do it.

This doesn’t make sense. If he can get an erection and masturbate then he doesn’t have ed.

and he didn’t say the dream about the woman was sexual.

I think it’s important to note a lot of men can masturbate without a full erection. However it wouldn’t be sufficient enough for penetration. A lot of men with ED get performance anxiety aswell which doesn’t help with the ED. I wonder does he feel too much stress about it to try encase he lets you down?

i think it depends on him. If he is reassuring you he is still attracted to you then I could see through it but if he isn’t making the effort to have any other forms of intimacy etc I would be having an open and frank conversation with him. It needs to work for both of you

Other people have given you good advice on the bulk of your post, but as a man who suffers with bouts of ED, I may be able to offer a different perspective on that issue.

Having erectile dysfunction doesn't mean he doesn't have a sex drive. It also doesn't mean he can't masturbate, or have an orgasm. It's more difficult, but still achievable.

When I'm suffering from it, it's incredibly frustrating. DP and I will still have sex, in that we'll be intimate, and I'll give her an orgasm. But then she can't return the favour. It's difficult to make me orgasm when I haven't got an erection, and it's also embarrassing, which makes it even less likely to happen. But that doesn't mean I'm not turned on. So given that sex with DP has turned me on, I'm actually more likely to want to masturbate, just so I get that release too.

I'm not telling you you have to stay with him. Not everyone is up for a relationship without penetrative sex, and thats fine. I'm just saying that the fact he can and does masturbate doesn't mean he isn't attracted to you.

Sounds like he doesn't always have ED then?

Do you want to be a carer in 10 years time?

Men with ED can masturbate and ejaculate without getting an erection.

If he’s wanking a lot and still having sexual urges have you considered that it’s porn-induced erectile dysfunction OP? ie. Could he be a porn-addict?

Another one here to say if he can get an errection, mastubate and ejaculate over random on the Internet he doesnt have ED.

Sorry @TartealaFrangipane

I'm catching up on replies. Most people seem to think I should end it.

Honestly that's how I've been feeling today. And one poster asking do I want to be a carer.... I actually already am a carer to an elderly parent and have been for a number of years and this has crossed my mind. A family member has actually warned me about the age difference, that he may well be hoping I move in with him so he has someone to look after him if anything happens.... he's in fairly good shape for his age, but there are some health issues that could get a lot worse and he's a "typical male" to a certain extent when it comes to not really doing much about changing bad habits with his diet.

We get on very well, it has felt easy and comfortable right from the start, there are some things that have started to bother me a little bit about the age difference aside from the ED (which may well be mainly age), I suppose I haven't even thought when he gets to 76, I'll be in my 60s and it could all look very different.

Will keep reading and responding.

I really appreciate your reply, thank you.

What you said about being more likely to need to masturbate after pleasuring your wife makes sense. You are turned on, but no erection, but still feel the need for pleasure and release. I know he has masturbated after we have been together, even just asleep together. To a certain extent I don't even want to think about any of this, but I have been getting very frustrated, not just physically, but the emotional impact of it is quite unexpected.

One of the things that definitely hurts me is that he rarely masturbates with me. He can pleasure me without an erection.... up to a point... but there has only been once or twice in over a year together that he has orgasmed when masturbating next to me. He always loses his erection if I masturbate him, which I find upsetting too. I should point out that the erection is not a full one, it's quite slight. He seems to want to masturbate alone and not with me. We have talked about it, and he knows I find it frustrating, I guess I have to talk some more with him, maybe it really isn't going to work.

I'm very confused and don't want to end it again without being really sure that I don't want him. In so many ways he is my match and we always seem drawn back together, but this is hurting me.

Our relationship is mainly really, really good. I feel good around him, I feel loved and cared for, he shows care through his actions, he is generally a good communicator. He told me he loved me last year. I can feel it.... I do feel the same about him. So yes, I do need to talk to him. When we've talked before he has been very receptive, calm, understanding... I'm the emotional one and can get very angry very quickly, but he handles it so well. I almost feel guilty for feeling bad about this....

You're not happy. It's very clear. It doesn't matter if he has ED or if he just isn't that into you. Whether he can get an erection to porn but not you. At the end of the day, you are not happy.

This relationship is not satisfying your needs. Stay friends, sure, if you enjoy his company, find him easy to get along with, then it's a good friendship. It is not a good relationship.

The bar, for relationships, is not "he's not abusive", that's not even the bare minimum, being better than being abused does not make it a good relationship.

You are not happy. You deserve to be happy. You don't feel desired. You deserve to feel desired.

Do not accept less than you deserve. There are heaps of men out there that would, to be frank, love to have sex with you. They may not all be good blokes, most of them seem to be nobs really. But there's loads and loads of them, so be picky, be wooed, and be bloody happy.

See this is what I feel deep down, that he's not attracted to me, that he prefers online stuff. A lot of men nowadays seem to have that issue. I don't know if he has a problem with it or not. When we've talked about it, he said he doesn't get a proper erection for online stuff either.

So what another poster said, that he still wants sexual pleasure and is still attracted to me might be true. I start going round and round in my head about it, maybe he just wants me because nobody else will have him and I'm younger and so on and on.... am I an ego boost, but he doesn't really want me specifically. But then we connected so very well from the start and there is physical chemistry as well, it just has never ever gotten to the point of penetrative sex.

I'm confused. I don't want to make a big deal out of it but the comment really triggered me and what I thought I had worked though and accepted just bit me on the backside.

He has made a couple of stupid comments in the past, quite early on actually, one about wondering who else might find him attractive. And I felt really pissed off about that. I tried to imagine saying something similar to him and I just couldn't! And it sadly reminded me of my abusive ex!