Still looking her up

[Lolarosie2]

D day was nearly 5 years ago. Discovered DH was having an affair, had lasted nearly a year, he confessed to cheating with other women too, starting even before we got married but those seemed to have been more physical than also emotional. The one I discovered seemed to be more serious though he said he wasn’t in love with her.

Had young DC so tried to work through it. Been nearly half a decade. And I just discovered he has been looking up the latest OW on social media, after all this time. Thought it was a one off, but it’s now been several times in the last few weeks. He has been distant for months now anyway, put it down to work stress.

She recently moved from another part of the country to the same city he works, also for work. So stressed about what this means, though I don’t think they are seeing each other again. Haven’t confronted him yet in case there is anything further going on, or wondering if it’s just curiosity.

It’s been years FGS.

How did you discover it OP?

I think you need to start making plans to leave.

He has cheated and there is clearly no trust at all in the relationship.

If he’s had multiple affairs, why did you think he’d stopped after OW?

Leave him, he's showing you no respect, respect yourself and go. Chuck him out. Set your child a better example of relationships.

Well I discovered the latest one and he confessed to the others and we had then been working really hard, so I thought, at reconciling, and been no other indication save for this anything might be continuing or he has cheated again.

And throw away 5 years of hard work trying to fix it when I’m not sure if it even means anything? 🙁

It seems to be 5 years of you trying to fix it, not him.

You can’t make this relationship work by yourself, as you say he’s been distant and is obviously thinking about her if he’s looked her up multiple times.

How many more years are you going to throw at this?

I'm really sorry OP but you knew he was a serial cheat and like pp I would assume that's what he still is.

You wouldn't be throwing away five years by ending your marriage now. You would be saving yourself a life time of mistrust and worry.

Means he doesn't respect you OP. Raise your bar.

Do you think it could just be curiosity?

You lost me at the serial cheating .. He sounds vile.

The problem is he is a serial cheat. That means there is something in him that can’t be satisfied with what he has. He might want to keep his marriage and family but he’s constantly fighting his inner urge to be with someone else. I doubt it’s even about this woman but rather what she represents. If he were to leave you it doesn’t mean he would be faithful to her. It’s who he is. This is not about you or a reflection of you.

So you now have choices to make.

1. Do you bury your head in the sand and accept he may be having extra marital sex and hope it never gets to the point he leaves. Perhaps consider an open marriage.
2. Do you confront him and acknowledge he has issues that he’s not dealt with and hope that he will be honest and seek further help if he’s starting to get the urge.
3. Do you dig and find out if he has cheated again and dump him finally?
4. Or accept you deserve better than this constant worry of when he will do it again and leave regardless of whether it has started again.

These are your options. Which one feels right?

Those 5 years are gone - thinking they would be thrown away is sunk cost fallacy thinking. How you will feel if you stay in the relationship for another 10, 20, 30 years just to wind up in the same place? Because if you do stay, that's your future. He has told you he is a serial cheat, you need to believe him - not try to fix him, you or the relationship. It's not fixable.

Leave while you still have a chance to make a different life.

It could simply be curiosity on his part. Maybe he's wondering how she's doing etc. How did you find out that she moved back to the same city for work?

He had been looking at her work profile online too…

So he’s a serial liar and cheat. The trust has gone =the relationship has gone. So don’t tolerate this behaviour. I’d .get legal advice first for your options

Time and time again he proved that he does not respect your relationship, or you. Please, try to have more self-respect and understand you deserve a lot more than how you are treated. It was a mistake trying to work it out. Cheating destroys something that can never be reversed. The worst part is that it has been going on an on...How much more disrespect will it take before you improve your life and step away from it all? Please, look after yourself, you have one life to give, and it is wasted on him.

Also curiosity may explain one look. This has been repeated over weeks.

I must be the only person on MN who hasn't looked up an ex on social media... It doesn't mean your husband and the OW are in contact again.

I work with a lot of men so hear the conversations daily. The hard truth is, he has no respect for you. Hes a serial cheat and knows you will stay with him. He wants wife perks along with fuck boy activities.

“Haven’t confronted him yet in case there is anything further going on, or wondering if it’s just curiosity.”

How did you discover he was looking up OW? Sometimes I think social media is the very devil - I’m sure we’ve all looked up people from our past, though, to see what they’re up to. You have two choices - either confront him about it, in which case you’ll have to say how you know, or say nothing and try to put it out of your head. It sounds as though you’re frightened to confront him in case there is something going on - just how much are you prepared to put up with, OP? It’s for you to decide how much being married to him is worth in terms of family life - no other man will ever be as invested in your DC as your DH - but you will tear your marriage apart if you are continually suspecting him of something.

He's looking for someone to have an affair with @Lolarosie2, lining up his best targets . Leopards don't change their spots l'm afraid. He wants the thrill of the chase and the excitement of the affair , after this one there will be another and another Get your ducks in order and wishing you the very best of luck 🤞.

Surely if a couple decide to stay together after cheating one of the most basic requirements is not searching for previous affair partners on line?

Curiousity is no excuse. In fact it means
If he is curious he is still thinking about her.

You sound as though you are desperate to find a reasonable explanation for his behaviour when there obviously isn't one.

You say that you have both worked on the relationship for 5 years and yet here you are checking his social media use. So the trust has not been restored, you still don't trust him.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering what he's up to and looking for evidence of cheating? Because if you stay with him, that will be your life.

I don't know if he's looking her up in order to make contact with her again, or if it's just idle curiosity, but the point is you know he's cheated on you in the past, more than once. So you are always going to be suspicious.

There was one you found out about. He confessed to multiple others which you had not been aware of or noticed. What makes you think you would know if he had been continuing to cheat for the last 5 years? He’s already shown that he can get away with this again and again over years without you noticing. He won’t change. He won’t stop cheating just because you found out about one of them when he’s got away with it again and again before. And you’ve also shown him you won’t leave him so he just keeps doing it. Leave him

You either have to leave him or accept being married to someone who will continue to have sex with other people