Still looking her up

[Lolarosie2]

D day was nearly 5 years ago. Discovered DH was having an affair, had lasted nearly a year, he confessed to cheating with other women too, starting even before we got married but those seemed to have been more physical than also emotional. The one I discovered seemed to be more serious though he said he wasn’t in love with her.

Had young DC so tried to work through it. Been nearly half a decade. And I just discovered he has been looking up the latest OW on social media, after all this time. Thought it was a one off, but it’s now been several times in the last few weeks. He has been distant for months now anyway, put it down to work stress.

She recently moved from another part of the country to the same city he works, also for work. So stressed about what this means, though I don’t think they are seeing each other again. Haven’t confronted him yet in case there is anything further going on, or wondering if it’s just curiosity.

It’s been years FGS.

Some men are always up for playing away. It isn't always a reflection on your relationship, it's just part of who they are.

I've had a bloke like this. I know he loved me. But was open to a bit of extra curricular. I'm pretty sure nothing ever happened, but I know he was willing to go for it with the right opportunity. It will erode your relationship until either there is nothing left or your self esteem is shattered. Happily for me, the former.

Oh come on op. He’s a serial cheater. The only person who has been working on things the last five years is you. He knows he can get away with it, as you clearly put up with it. I couldn’t live like that myself, and divorced my cheating rat ex and am a lot happier, I suggest you do the same because he’s not going to stop.

Hes a serial cheater, he’s disrespected you as a wife and mother repeatedly. This is who he is and the morals he stands for.

Im afraid at this point it’s either put up and shut up or you leave. There’s no inbetween or thinking something will magically solve his behaviour and change him. This is what he does. The question is do you want to continue putting up with it or not?

Why bother
Always going to cheat.
How convienant he is looking her up.gor his next fling is it
Get some dignity

OP, I would recommend looking up the Sunk Cost Fallacy.

You’ve put in the work OP, and have given it your best shot. Behaviour is a language, and DH’s behaviour is showing otherwise. You know who he is now. He won’t change. It’s up to you whether you are okay with this bubbling behind the scenes or not, but it would be naïve to ever believe that you’re the only woman. It’s your call.

You have some solid points made by a lot of people in this thread @Lolarosie2 . We are all very sorry you are being treated this way, but knowing everything you know, suffering through all the betrayal, if you keep holding onto something not worth your time like this going forward, you cannot be surprised.. You have to make the right call to help your situation.

Quality summary

This is the thing though, after 5 years of hard work, you still can't trust him. (And just to be clear, I'm not blaming you for that.)

Whether or not this is just idle curiosity on his part or not is irrelevant really. You're still having to go nosing around to see whether he's looking at her profiles, whether he's back in contact. You're still having to keep tabs on him. Do you really want this for the rest of your life, would you really not be happier without him?

Curiosity is looking once.

Looking her up could just be curiosity.

You chose to try and fix things with a serial cheater so you are always going to have one eye open.

I'd want something more concrete to confront/decide to end it than that. Sure we all look up exes on Social Media but can well understand why you are suspicious.

Thank god it's only 5 years and not 20 or 30 years where you have done all this work trying to forgive and build trust whilst he's still got one eye on another woman. Just make sure it doesn't turn into 6 or 7 years before you put yourself first.

Nope, move on he will never change

It’s not just curiosity if it’s been several times over the last few weeks; if it was, a one off would be enough to see how she was getting on.

We all can (and probably have!) looked someone up out of curiosity- but not repeatedly over a few weeks - that’s obsessive or at the very least this woman is frequently on his mind.

Quiet plans, ducks in a row, divorce. Don’t leave the matrimonial home. Sorry.

He's a serial adulterer. These men don't stop, they just get better at covering their tracks.

How hard has he worked over the past 5 years to save your marriage? I bet that you've been doing all the work.

You need to look up sunk cost fallacy. The only thing you would be throwing away is cheating scum.

I would keep my powder dry for now. I would keep an eye on things. In the meantime I would get my ducks in a row, make sure I have copies of all financial papers (relating to income, mortgage, savings, investments, pensions etc.) in a safe place that is not in the house (for example, given to a discreet friend for safekeeping).

In a few weeks/months I would sit him down and tell him that he has once chance, and one chance only, to come completely clean with me. I would ask him to tell me what had been going on with her recently, what contact he had had with or relating to her and via what means. I would specifically ask him if he was aware that she had moved to your city for work.

If he denies that then you know he is still lying to you, and not just by omission (if he is now being totally honest with you then it's odd that he hasn't said to you, "Hey Sarah, in the interests of full transparency I want to let you know that Claire has moved to Sheffield with work" or something like that anyway).

I would also ask him if he had been looking her up on Facebook, or whatever social media it is. If he denies that I'd tell him I know he's lying and I want him to pack a bag and leave. This is no way for you to live.

Well I look up exes on sm when I'm bored means nothing just nosiness. Surely if he was up to anything he wouldn't look her up as he'd be in contact?

That said as he has form for cheating of course you'll be expecting a repeat performance.

For now I would just quietly snoop. Does he have work nights away?

What's he actually done to make it up to you? What work has he done?

And if he's been trying so hard, why is he risking such a big step backwards by searching her?

Is it really just you that's been trying to "get over" it?

What is his incentive to be faithful? He knows you forgive him for not one but multiple affairs. He knows that if he just does enough to keep you onside he can do whatever he wants in his spare time.

I agree with the poster above...you have forgiven him for multiple affairs. He has learned that you value him so highly you'll put up with whatever.

He's not going to be faithful to you long term.

But Would you look them up ‘several times in the last few weeks?’. Nosiness is looking them up once in a blue moon, maybe once a year whilst watching Eurovision. Not lots of times within a few weeks.

@Lolarosie2 I am so sorry that you are going through this. I have a slightly different take on this as someone who is reconciled.

The ‘curiousity’ argument just doesn’t wash with a cheat who is supposedly ‘remorseful’. He should be disgusted by his behaviour and what he put you through and by extension it should be almost impossible to think fondly of the OW and there should be zero interest in looking her up. This is not just an ‘ex’, it is a woman he betrayed his primary partner with.

You know deep down that his actions show he is not remorseful. You cannot reconcile with an unremorseful cheat, they will cheat again.

And this is on top of the fact he was a serial cheat, I understand you found out about it all together and reconciled on that basis BUT context is everything.

You deserve better, you know that, you know that you are not safe mentally, emotionally and sexually with this man.

Exactly, it feels more than just casual interest and I’m not convinced he was actually honest about how he felt about her 😞