Still looking her up

[Lolarosie2]

D day was nearly 5 years ago. Discovered DH was having an affair, had lasted nearly a year, he confessed to cheating with other women too, starting even before we got married but those seemed to have been more physical than also emotional. The one I discovered seemed to be more serious though he said he wasn’t in love with her.

Had young DC so tried to work through it. Been nearly half a decade. And I just discovered he has been looking up the latest OW on social media, after all this time. Thought it was a one off, but it’s now been several times in the last few weeks. He has been distant for months now anyway, put it down to work stress.

She recently moved from another part of the country to the same city he works, also for work. So stressed about what this means, though I don’t think they are seeing each other again. Haven’t confronted him yet in case there is anything further going on, or wondering if it’s just curiosity.

It’s been years FGS.

...is the first thing that springs to mind.

He won’t have been honest about how he felt about her. They usually admit to maybe 20% of the truth or however much is the bare minimum they need to.

However long they say it lasted, didn’t love her, it meant nothing, it’s you they’ve always loved and always will, cried hysterically while telling you all this etc etc. He may even have told you he was relieved you found out so he could finally end it, which he’s been wanting to for ages. That’s always a good one.

The truth will be more than you would have been able to handle at the time (in his opinion) which is why you get the above instead. Unless it was a drunk one night thing with no feelings involved but with an affair the above almost always applies, especially if he was caught and that was the only reason it ended between them.

Honestly OP save yourself the future heartache and start thinking about your options and what things will/could look like without him. He’s obviously still thinking about her and people like this who seemingly put so much effort into reconciliation often end up being the one to leave later down the line and it would be better to be the one in control of the situation.

I think possibly. I still look up my ex of 20 years ago but wouldn’t want to see him

OP how did you find out that your husband was looking her up online? Did he tell you? If he told you, then I think that's slightly different.

Better to throw away 5 years, that to be in this position 10 years down the line and he’s still chasing other women!
Definitely sounds like a one sided relationship where you’re putting in all the effort to make it work and he’s not!

Perhaps and perhaps not. That's why the PP said 'start making plans'.
You don't want to be perpetually on the back foot with this cheat.

No I found out from his search history which he obviously forgot to clear…

How can you be someone who cheats

Well he isn’t just a serial cheat, he’s also a bit of an idiot. He could have searched for her and deleted his search history at least, what an amateur! Part of me thinks he wants to be caught tbh…

He sounds besotted, I think he’s looking back with rose tinted glasses and living in what if land.

Has he been mentioning her lately, since she moved back? If not, I still think it's curiosity.

There’s no way he would mention her name to me after what happened I don’t think!! Even curiosity after this long seems a stretch though…

yes possibly but if he's totally happy with no intention of anything why would he be curios'? 100% get your ducks in a row

Then why do you think he's looking her up? You know your husband better than random posters on MN.

This whole "reconciliation" seems garbage, tbh.

You're still checking up on him.
He's still checking up on her.

There's no trust. Which is sadly shown to be the correct stance. But after 5 years, when is it actually going to get better?

You might actually be happier letting the relationship go.

It could be that he’s heard through the grapevine she’s now working in the same city and he’s checking/curious.
It could be that he sees it as an opportunity to rekindle.
He could be reminiscing.
He could be checking if she’s found someone else.
It could be so many things, but personally I would hit the roof at him even daring to look after everything he’s put you through.
Are you going to question him?
At the very least I’d be letting him know there absolutely will not be another chance if he’s even thinking about going back there.

So what you have decided to do @Lolarosie2 ?

Throughout our 20 year relationship my ex always had his head on swivel at other women, he didnt actually cheat but tried, i always forgave as it was not "enough" to end things. Till 7 years ago he tried to get a mutual friend into bed and it was a serious attempt. It broke my heart but i forgave him and said at the time that if it didnt last i could honestly say i gave my all and tried my best and i could hold my head up high.

3 years later we split up because i didnt trust him and hadnt really forgiven him and i ended it. There were other issues that contributed to me ending it.

Now i thing back to those 3 years i gave my all as a waste of fucking time. I could be 7 years down the line not 4 and he didnt deserve my time or forgiveness.

Life is so much better and i recently got married to a truly lovely man who only has eyes for me.

Your husband is still checking out his affair partner, it could be curiosity but i very much doubt it.

“So stressed about what this means”.
Your husband is a lying, unfaithful piece of shit and you deserve better. That’s what it means.
Don’t waste any more time than you already have forgiving him again - get yourself together and leave.

Hi OP, how are you doing? Anything new?