Leaving a relationship when your partner is a good man and father

[dafgirly]

Looking for advice as I’m so torn and can’t keep going round in circles in my
head. Been with my DP for around 10 years and I just feel like we’ve grown apart. It’s been 12 months since we had sex and I feel so bad rejecting him, it must be terrible for his self esteem and he’s stopped asking now. I always had an excuse but our child is nearly 4 now and I don’t have anymore excuses, I just don’t want to have sex with him.

He is a good man and an amazing father to our little one and from the outside we have the perfect life. It feels so silly to push the button on it but I feel like I’m not me around him and I’m not my authentic self. I’m snappy and moody when I’m not like that around other people. I think it’s just run its course but don’t know whether to stay for my daughter or take the plunge and leave.

Has anyone left a relationship that wasn’t inherently bad? It’s just hard because he hasn’t actually done anything and has been trying more the last few months because we’ve had discussions where I’ve said I’m not happy. I know none of my friends and family would understand but I think both of us deserve the chance to be happy. I want him to cheat on me or leave me so I have an excuse which sounds terrible I know :(

Leave.

You both deserve more happiness.

X

I think you should be honest and end it with him , it's not fair to him the way you are behaving . Let him find a life with someone else who appreciates and loves him .

"I feel like I’m not me around him and I’m not my authentic self"

Could you tell us a bit more about what you mean by this?

I know, I feel like we both deserve the chance to meet people that make us happy but then everyone tells me the grass isn’t always greener and my single friends say it’s an absolute cesspool out there. But is that a good enough reason to stay 😭

I know, the mature side of me knows that’s right but the other side of me thinks is it worth blowing my child’s life up and do I just pretend everything is okay. Because it would be hard if we split, we’d have to sell the house as neither can afford to buy the other out so it would be a lot of disruption for her. It’s just so hard

I don’t know I just feel like I’m not my best self around him. I don’t like sleeping next to him, I’m snappy and moody. When it’s just me and my daughter I’m a lot more silly and carefree. I can’t pinpoint why I’m like this though, I just feel like I’m quite guarded around him. We had a rocky start to the relationship but that was years and years ago so I can't blame that anymore and he’s a completely different person to the one I got with.

Yeah i'd leave - you both deserve to be yourselves and be loved for that x

This, are you deep down expecting him to go “gosh ok, I’ll move out and pay all the bills for you “?

You can't spend the rest of your life being unhappy so your child has 2 parents under one roof.

Can you have an honest conversation with him? Explain how you feel and see if you both can do things to improve? If not then it’s up to you to leave really if you aren’t happy.

Have you tried relationship counselling?
If he's a good partner I think it's worth trying to see if you can get back whatever attracted you to him originally.

If that doesn't work, I agree that you shouldn't stay if you're behaving unpleasant to be around.

I think you should consider the possibility of being on your own though. Your post implies that you will be straight out looking for a new relationship.

That’s an unfair comment to make, I’m currently working 2 jobs at around 50 hours a week to make ends meet and provide for my family. If I did leave I was thinking I could move into a family members house but I was actually more worried about him not being able to afford the mortgage and bills on his own.

Hmm. If he's genuinely a good man (and the fact that you are guarded around him makes me doubt this slightly) then I would not give up without going to marriage counselling first. Good men are extremely rare. Also i think in later years you will want to be able to tell your child you tried everything.

It's terrifying contemplating dismantling the family unit, but your relationship really isn't doing any of you any favours. Your child isn't learning healthy things about relationships, and your partner doesn't deserve to be treated like that.

Get some individual therapy to organise your thoughts and feelings, then talk to your DP honestly about how you really feel about him and the relationship.

You do realise you're tossing a decent family man aside, to date loser after loser on Tinder? If that is what is so appealing to you go ahead and ditch a perfectly good man for that reason, but it does make you a damn selfish mother.

We’ve had lots of honest convos and end up going round in circles because I can’t really articulate why I’m not happy :( I know it’s up to me I just don’t want to have to be the one to do it, especially as I’ll have to tell my daughter when she’s older. Just seems like a weak excuse that I wasn’t happy. Don’t know if that’s a good enough reason to destroy her little family

Get some individual counseling, I think I normalised my exH behaviour because it had been my normal for so long and because I needed to in order to survive being trapped. So worth actually looking at his behaviour through a fresh set of eyes with the help of a therapist.

Then if you still think he's a good man get some couples counselling, at least then you can both know your tried.

Why is that the only option? Being single and coparenting is a perfectly valid choice and very fulfilling for some. Not everyone goes chasing relationship after relationship.

Her DP also deserves to have a partner who is actually happy and grateful to have him.

And that is exactly what’s holding me back because I know people will be thinking that. I’d actually be perfectly happy on my own, living by myself was one of the happiest times of my life. And the thought of putting myself back out there is terrifying. I just don’t know if all relationships hit this phase and people just muddle on

It’s so scary, I feel like I’m paralysed by fear and indecision which is harming both of us. And no he doesn’t deserve that. Individual therapy is a good shout, I don’t really feel up to couples or sex therapy right now

Not happy is pretty vague, and many people are not positively happy in their marriage at some point. Are you sufficiently unhappy to blow up your DD's life?

I haven’t no. The relationship wasn’t great at the start and I was an incredibly damaged person and clung to him and he didn’t treat me well but like I say that was a long time ago and we’re both very different people now. But I don’t know if all that is making an appearance now. To the outside eye we have the perfect life but the sex thing is a massive issue and has been for a long time.

This is exactly it, how unhappy is unhappy enough to destroy her little family? It’s a question that goes round in my head pretty much constantly

Being honest, was there ever a point that you were head over heels in love with him?

Is it that you don't want sex with anyone or is it just your DH . Are you asexual ? Have you always been like this ? Do you think it is the long hours in work you do that is causing this behaviour towards your DH . Does he work long hours like you do too ? Is it mutual and you both work that much ? If not is this part of the problem .