Communicating with husband

[aneveningatthecricket]

Can someone give me some advice on how I can get my partner (of 20 years) to listen to me?
Normal life feels like we’re pretending most of the time, I’ve never really been happy and have given my everything to raising our children.

I try to raise important issues with him but he shuts me down and blames me for “spoiling things” or being difficult or “going mental” during a discussion. I’m VERY careful to never shout (I don’t want to look like I’m unstable even when I feel it!) I’m always very careful and considered with what I say and how I say it, I don’t blame him for anything and if anything, take the blame myself for the problems we have (chaotic housework, inadequate financial security).

I want to create a position where I can explain how I’m feeling without him retreating or accusing me of spoiling things. We’ve got into a trap where after we’re intimate I see it as an opportunity to tell him how I’m feeling but he goes mad and can’t understand how we can be loving and intimate one minute, then later that day I’m telling him I’m not happy.

Can anyone suggest anything I can do to help things?

Yes leave him. He’s an abusive arsehole who is decimating your self confidence.

When I say I want to tell him I’m not happy, I don’t mean I want to leave him I just want to tell him I’m exhausted/too stretched/overwhelmed. We both work very hard and very long hours. The children are all fine and happy and successful.

this is an abusive relationship and there is nothing you can do to change him.

the only thing you can change is yourself by leaving him.

“Normal life feels like we’re pretending most of the time, I’ve never really been happy”

I’m confused. Can you explain why you wish to remain in this relationship?

The children will be picking up on his behaviours and modelling themselves on him. They will know you are unhappy too.

Stability for the children
Maintain Status quo
To not look ‘difficult’ to other people
Pride
Financially stuck to some extent
To not want to ‘fail’ at my relationship
Because I like him and love him
Because break ups are hard and I have a tough career to maintain and children to support
I’m in my 50s so will probably forever be single
To not want to spoil things

He's very determined to get you to STFU, isn't he?

Couples therapy

My fear with this is that I will end up being very honest and admit that he doesn’t meet my needs and it needs to end. What I want is for him to change- not massively just a bit so that he listens to me and cares for my wellbeing.

If I said nothing and just smiled he’d be delighted. I honestly think would be the ideal scenario for him. I don’t think he wants chit chat, opinion or definitely anything serious or important. If I was silent but smiley and affectionate he’d be very happy.

Stop being intimate with him! Men do not think there is anything wrong if you continue to have sex with them.

Stability for the children
what model of relationships is it that you're giving them though? Would you be happy to see your daughter treated the same as you?

Maintain Status quo
change is scary but can be for the good

To not look ‘difficult’ to other people

what people might think isn't worth living miserably for.

Pride
you can gain pride from doing it on your own. Surely there's more pride in sailing your own ship than there is in running round after some inadequate bloke.

Financially stuck to some extent
have you actually checked into what benefit top ups might be available, what child maintenance you'd be due, what a split of assets might look like?

To not want to ‘fail’ at my relationship surely he's just as responsible for it going wrong, if not more so? You've already put in 20 years, that's good going, that IS a successful relationship. That something ends doesn't mean it was all worthless.

Because I like him and love him that's a good reason. Love isn't always what it's cracked up to be, tho, and isn't always enough. It doesn't sound as if he likes you that much though, if all he wants is for you to be a robot that smiles for him.

Because break ups are hard and I have a tough career to maintain and children to support
sometimes a partner can be a hindrance. If he's not lifting you up, is he holding you down?

I’m in my 50s so will probably forever be single
there are worse things than being single. Like being miserable and lonely while in a relationship.

To not want to spoil things
surely they're already spoilt. Your unhappiness matters.

You cannot change misogyny on this scale. The only thing you can do is end the relationship. Or continue to suffer in silence.

Please listen to these wise words OP. You cannot change him.

Try reading Lundy Bancroft’s book Why does he do that. Might open your eyes a little/a lot.

Changing the words you say won't stop the abuse. He does this because he enjoys it.

Are you married (you referred to him as husband and a partner)? Your happiness, peace, future, and financial independence should be number one priority.

He doesn’t even like you though? His actions are not those of a loving partner.

being in your 50s shouldn’t be a barrier - imagine sticking with him for another 30 years and having to care for him when he is bound to be even more nasty and miserable

NO!!!!!!!!!

Couples therapy is never recommended for any relationship in which there is even a hint of abuse.

I managed my ex marriage like this for a while but ultimately the noise in my head was too loud to ignore, he took my silence as happiness, it was absolutely the opposite. My kids are happier, I am a million miles away from where I was and the atmosphere in the house is sooooo different, there's a lightness in mood. I was like you trying to say things in a particular way so as not to offend or appear too critical, it didn't matter, whatever I tried to bring up was shot down. Trying to pick moments that seemed okay to start a conversation etc.
This man is only happy with a ghost/quiet version of you, he can tell himself you are happily married. It sounds like you are very dissatisfied, you are not being heard and that is not going to change.
You have decades ahead of you. You are very unlikely to be alone for all of that time. Give yourself the gift of freedom. Good luck.

@aneveningatthecricket

I hear you, it's frustrating when you want to address things which could be improved but he cannot cope with any examination of the current status quo.

Although what follows is AI generated, I wonder if it could offer you some strategies to begin a conversation with him.

Communicating with a spouse of 20 years can feel incredibly daunting, especially if old patterns of defensiveness or shutting down have set in.

To share your feelings without triggering his retreat, you need to set a calm environment, use "I" statements, and invite him into the conversation rather than putting him on the defensive

Here are a few targeted strategies to help you bridge the gap:
Set the Stage: Don’t bring up heavy topics during stressful moments like right after work or when rushing out the door. Ask for a specific time to talk, e.g., "There's something on my mind I'd really love your perspective on. Is tonight after dinner a good time to chat?"

Use "I" Statements: Frame your feelings around your own experience rather than accusing him. Instead of saying "You always retreat when I try to talk," try "I feel disconnected lately and I worry that my concerns come across as criticism."

Keep it Short: Break your thoughts into bite-sized pieces. If you share 20 years of frustration all at once, he may feel overwhelmed and shut down. Focus on one specific feeling or recent event.

Acknowledge His Defensiveness: Diffuse his instinct to accuse you of spoiling the mood by validating his experience early on. You can say, "I know talking about this can be heavy, and I appreciate you listening to me."

Pause and Validate: If you see him starting to withdraw, pause and let him know you want to hear his side. "I can see you're getting quiet. I don't want you to feel attacked, I just want us to understand each other better."

Good, non-confrontational communication, as you know, can reap rewards @aneveningatthecricket, good luck.

You cannot change other people -only yourself.
I want to know why you seem trapped in this unhappiness. Why don’t you
cut your hours
take up some fun hobbies where you will meet nice people to spend time with
make more time to have fun with friends
pay for a cleaner

So, it's mainly a case of keeping up appearances, and you're willing to sacrifice your happiness, and that of your children, to maintain a façade?

Those AI prompts are laughable, they presume the other person is up for listening and will be sympathetic to their partner's needs. The OP already says she carefully frames things and it doesn't make a difference. My ex only listened when he realised I'd reached the end of my tether but by then it was way too late.

Those prompts also reaffirm how the wife needs to take a step back, don't overwhelm him, don't accuse him, don't be confrontational, set the stage for him, make sure the timing is good for him etc. I'd normally concur on these in a generic way but not for the OP.

Look up strawman argument as a tactic, this is what he's doing. I've been on the end if it and it's exhausting.

OP, he doesnt even like you. It screams off the page that he doesnt like you. And he also doesnt care very much about his children either, as the issues you mention are big and impact his children and he wont even engage with you to ensure his kids welfare. Why would you want to teach your children to make peace and beg for scraps from a man who doesnt care for you?

What AI prompts are people talking about? I’m confused now! (If I could find an exasperated emoji I’d add one here!)