He won’t change, OP. It’s on you to make a difference for yourself - either by leaving or by reorganizing your expectations emotionally to protect yourself.
I have an spouse (ND) who is clever and funny and we have incredibly interesting conversations (though only on his terms, about topics he’s particularly interested in, and when he has social bandwidth). I like him very much as a person, and he has very good intentions, but he is profoundly functionally impaired in ways that make his working life difficult and precarious, and mean he’s an obstacle rather than an equal partner in domestic matters.
And though he is loyal and well-meaning, he is fundamentally not able to be all that interested in other people’s experiences, or see others’ point of view. We can’t solve basic logistical household problems together as he becomes instantly defensive and angry and confused, and can’t engage with anything he finds anxiety-provoking, and can’t make decisions (even about something as basic as replacing a pair of his own shoes - he gets overhwelmed by choice and an internal pressure to make the one ‘right’ decision)
Separation would be a financial and logistical disaster, as I couldn’t count on him to sign the right papers or remember how to access his bank account, and I wouldn’t feel OK leaving our DC alone with him for any length of time as he can’t tell when anyone (including himself) might need medical attention, and can’t make decisions in a crisis (/at all).
He means well, but does not have the ability to be a partner, and needs as much support (if not more) than our autistic child. After about a decade of being made to feel that it was all my fault for not training him properly or making him ‘step up’ - and only after our child was diagnosed autistic - I have reorganised things in my mind by recognising I am essentially my husband’s caregiver, not his partner, and changing my expectations accordingly.
For me, this does kill the libido.
I cannot feel sexy about someone I am essentially parenting . I think this is probably healthy and appropriate - but I don’t know whether or not to be envious of people whose sex drive is independent of the state of their relationship, and can override chronic disappointment to achieve some form of closeness. But I’m not built that way, and it does make it all a bit clearer.
I hope you find a way through - but I’d advise you not to pin your hopes on any transformation or epiphany on your DH’s part. Good luck.
ETA: my husband would also be happy if I were silent, smiley, affectionate, never did anything unpredictable - like surprising him with a nice gesture - was never especially excited about anything, never shared with him desires or interests of my own. His main needs in a relationship are for inobtrusive daily support, calmness, and steady, undemanding predictability. He would say he loves me, and he would mean it - but it’s not love as most neurotypical people would understand it and that feels extremely lonely.