Communicating with husband

[aneveningatthecricket]

Can someone give me some advice on how I can get my partner (of 20 years) to listen to me?
Normal life feels like we’re pretending most of the time, I’ve never really been happy and have given my everything to raising our children.

I try to raise important issues with him but he shuts me down and blames me for “spoiling things” or being difficult or “going mental” during a discussion. I’m VERY careful to never shout (I don’t want to look like I’m unstable even when I feel it!) I’m always very careful and considered with what I say and how I say it, I don’t blame him for anything and if anything, take the blame myself for the problems we have (chaotic housework, inadequate financial security).

I want to create a position where I can explain how I’m feeling without him retreating or accusing me of spoiling things. We’ve got into a trap where after we’re intimate I see it as an opportunity to tell him how I’m feeling but he goes mad and can’t understand how we can be loving and intimate one minute, then later that day I’m telling him I’m not happy.

Can anyone suggest anything I can do to help things?

Men won’t listen until your feet do the talking. Leave. Find our own place.

You have to understand that he does know what you want and he does know that you are unhappy but he does not care. He is behaving like this because it serves him, he wants you to shut up and put up. And you do. You’re making the mistake of thinking if you can just get him to understand and listen everything will be ok but he does understand he just does not care. His life is easier when he can behave how he wants and not take accountability for it and he makes sure you keep your mouth shut.
Once you understand this your decisions will become easier.
I never realised that men are in relationships with and marry women they don’t even like and actively try to bring them down. But apparently it is common and it sounds like you’re in this type of relationship.

Please have confidence in yourself that you would meet a new partner to like/desire/love you. I’m 48 and in the happiest relationship of my life after leaving an ex husband who was not interested in my big emotions. I promise you it doesn’t get easier or better and it is not your fault.

This could have been me writing this a few years ago. Unfortunately there are no magic words that will get through to someone who doesn’t want to listen. Believe me, I tried. In the end he was the one who left when I got ill and he decided he could have a better life with someone else - he didn’t. He did me a favour. It’s been incredibly hard for all the reasons you state but I can honestly say I’m happier than ever I was with him, and now that I’m not caring for someone that was giving me nothing back at all, I’ve accomplished so many things that I never thought I was capable of. Once you get past feeling like you have to live the life other people expect of you, you realise how much better everything is - for you!

He
Does
Not
Care

Do with this information what you will. There is no magic solution.

I used to think this was normal in my first marriage. It isn’t. It’s him. Spent most of my new relationship second guesssing waiting for him to act like my first husband but he doesn’t. I feel sad for the person I was in my first marriage and want to go and hug her

You deserve to be seen and heard, for someone to take an interest in you and care about you. Do you want to be in retirement in an unhappy marriage? Still managing him and his needs, walking on eggshells and still not getting your needs met? You say you are too old to start a fresh now, this sounds inevitable to from your posts in any case. He sounds selfish, and another commentor is right..your silence is his assumption things are fine. Don't put your life on hold any longer, it doesn't matter what people think? Spoiling what for whom? His charmed life whilst you suffer in silence? I accept your children may feel the fall out, but I'm imagining they are old enough to understand Mum isn't happy. Break ups are hard, but you are striving for better.

“He’s abusive and doesn’t like you.”

This sums it up. As long as you act like the dutiful domestic sexbot he’ll be ok.

I could not be with a man who did not see me as a person and required me to be silent. Fuck that.

He doesn't want to change. He doesn't want to hear anything which infers change might be necessary

Imo he doesn't care enough to be bothered. You might disagree with this ......but imo if he cared he'd try