How can l say no to friends without harming the friendship?

[WildJoker]

I have a couple of good friends who l see about once a week, we’ve known each other for many years, had families, all of which are now grown up with their own families. The three of us are now retired.
A several months ago they both asked me to do a favour for each of them, which l agreed to and they both gave me flowers as a thank you.
Since then, every couple of weeks one or the other asks me to do a similar favour - including for one or two of their relatives. Although they say there is no hurry etc. l feel the pressure to get the job done for them - l now feel taken for granted and pressured, even if they say take my time - problem is how do l tell them no l do want to do this anymore, without losing their friendships.

What's the favour?

What’s the favour?

But look, if they are true friends, they’ll have no issue with you saying no!

I’d just say I’m not enjoying doing x at the moment, I feel like I need to focus on y for a while, so no.

You’ll just have to speak up and say you didn’t mind going the favour as a one-off, but you never intended it to be an ongoing commitment or regular occurrence. Maybe have some names of local companies ready, so if they ask for the favour again, you can suggest they contact ‘Mr White the candle stick maker’ etc.

Cake making?

If they are your good friends then they will be glad if you tell them that you don’t want to do whatever it is anymore. Just tell them that various people keep asking for you to help out and that it’s getting a much.

The easy way out is probably to claim it's "getting too much" or similar - i e. imply that you don't have the energy due to ageing BUT you shouldn't have to lie AND making excuses always has the weakness that they'll "help" you find a way around your excuse - the "no rush" is obviously part of that.

For that reason you have to bit the bullet and make it clear that you don't want to.

Offering your services to friends and relatives of theirs is incredibly cheeky and really pushing the boundaries between "friend" and "chancer" - nobody likes to be used.

If you're not careful you'll end up with a full time unpaid job doing whatever it is, and it's the "friends" acting as middle - men who are dining out on the gratitude of their friends for free services.

Next time just say 'sorry, I'm way too busy.' With a 'you know how it is' smile. And change the subject.

They have to accept that and if they don't then they must be pretty shallow friends to only like you if you do favours for them that presumably take time, money and skill.

They may not even realise their requests are unwelcome if you did the favour before.
Just say nicely, as a pp mentioned above, that you were happy that your efforts were appreciated but you'd rather not do it again for now as it's time-consuming / you don't feel like it / it is starting to feel like a burden etc.

"Listen, I did you x favour as a one off. But since I did it, it's become a weekly thing and now you're trying to get me to do it for your relatives and friends. This constant asking for x favour is making me feel like you're taking advantage of me.The answer is no. This stops now. "

They've decided to use your work as an asset to gain their friends' and family's approval and they've really overstepped boundaries here. Your friendships have turned into you providing free services to them and their buddies. That's not friendship, they're using you.

Is it childcare?

If you REALLY feel that by saying "I can't do X any more" that you'll lose their friendships.......then you don't have 2 friendships. You have 2 people who are used to you being around and don't care about you or respect you

what is this favour? Is it related to your work?

but as pp said, if they can’t handle you saying no then they’re not really friends

do they do anything for you?

Getting too much. Don’t have the capacity at the moment. Pretty exhausted.

Basically make it entirely about your capacity and not about them.

This seems really stroppy and rude so definitely don't say that!!

Just say:

Sorry to bear the bad news but I won't be able to do X any more. It's getting a bit tiring and I've found life has got a bit busier so it's not as easy. Might still be able to do the odd one off as an emergency/favour in future but not for a little while. Hope you both understand. X

How is it rude? It's clear, it addresses how she feels about them asking her weekly, and says no. Your way seems a bit wishy washy to me. They're liable to ask her again next week.

Because she hasn't said no before so saying:
'This constant asking for x favour is making me feel like you're taking advantage of me.The answer is no. This stops now.'

Comes across to me as a hugely unnecessary reaction and very rude. Do you speak to friends like that?

I think you either just have to say no or take a few months to do 1 task. You might feel you don't want to say no but really your friends have a cheek expecting you to do favours all the time.
I sew and people always used to ask me to repair their clothes. I have learned to say no.

It's been extremely rare that I ask people for favors in life. I expect to be minimally asked myself, because as you've come to feel, a person begins being taken advantage of. As said, if you not doing repetitive free labor for friends will ruin the friendship, then that speaks poorly of your friends, so who needs supposed friends like that?

It would've helped if you'd given more details if you wanted to know how to word your reply to their requests. But hopefully you've been inspired by what others have suggested, choosing what feels most comfortable to you.

What’s the favour?

Yes, when they're asking me for favours for their friends and family. But, the thing is, my friends wouldn't do that. One time thing, sure. Weekly for f&f, she is using OP.

Around here, we don't pussyfoot around. It's a very blunt and assertive culture.

If you can't say no without repercussions then they're not friends.

Presumably this favour is costing you time/money?

Perfectly reasonable to say you were happy with doing it as a one off for them but not as a regular thing and not for other family members. You don't have the time, it's costing you too much, you have other things you want to do.

If they're real friends, they won't mind at all. If they mind, well they weren't real friends in the first place.

If you keep agreeing to do it, they'll assume you're happy to keep doing it and keep asking you

Wouldn’t offer the ‘emergency’ option, as it’ll always be an emergency.

Totally this. Tbh i don't think good friends would do this in the first place. They are moving into user territory. If you don't want to say no, you could ignore their requests and they'll get the message. I personally hate that method, I think it's better to say it's getting too much and see what happens

What do you think @WildJoker?

This is exactly what’s happened to me - l sew and just do this for myself - now l seem to have got myself ‘customers’ - l altered some clothes for them as a favour and now they seem to expect this of me - to the extent they are buying clothes that need altering, ie. hems etc - on a regular basis. I feel obliged to get these jobs done in a timely manner as they want to wear them. Ugh… it’s a delicate situation as l don’t want to walk away from the friendships as l value them but it’s really pushing my buttons as l feel they are taking the piss.
You’ve all given some good advice and there are some really good suggestions which l will take on board going forward.