How can l say no to friends without harming the friendship?

[WildJoker]

I have a couple of good friends who l see about once a week, we’ve known each other for many years, had families, all of which are now grown up with their own families. The three of us are now retired.
A several months ago they both asked me to do a favour for each of them, which l agreed to and they both gave me flowers as a thank you.
Since then, every couple of weeks one or the other asks me to do a similar favour - including for one or two of their relatives. Although they say there is no hurry etc. l feel the pressure to get the job done for them - l now feel taken for granted and pressured, even if they say take my time - problem is how do l tell them no l do want to do this anymore, without losing their friendships.

Exactly. Stop people-pleasing, OP.

Do you actually have any friends in real life if that’s how you speak to them?

Sewing is my hobby and I'm only going to do it for myself from now on. The favours have become more and more and I'm not enjoying it, so from now on I won't be helping out.

Thanks for letting us know your hobby - almost a mumsnet first!

Buying clothes with the intention that you’re able to alter them, and also relative’s clothes, is indeed taking the proverbial.

i’m sure with a few well thought out words, and putting in boundaries, you’ll be able to get this situation to end.

Ha, I’ve been through this too! I got into sewing for myself and suddenly I was the local hem taker upper. My machine has needed a service for years and is up in the loft but if I ever get round to getting it repaired and get back into sewing, I’m keeping it a secret. Lesson learned!

I would tell them that you are being asked for so many sewing jobs you are thinking of setting up as a side business as the obligation involved means it's no longer a hobby for you.
Then quote your rate

Urgh. I've had similar - I try to not tell people that I sew anymore. If a very good friend needs something simple done as a one off, I will do it but otherwise... no. My joy and effort are not your freebie. Thankfully we have several repair cafes in our area so people have options that are not me.

A similar thing happened last month - I crocheted a quite intricate floral bag for a very good friend's birthday. It took weeks of working on it in the evening. It was a labour of love and it turned out beautifully. After she unwrapped it, three party guests (they were acquaintances, not my friends) told me to make them one. Told me, not asked. No mention of payment, not even for the cotton yarn used. Someone else mentioned that I could sell them but when I told her how many hours it had taken, the cost of materials used, and what I would have to charge to break even, it would be well over £150 using minimum wage as a guide. Thankfully this seemed to silence the "make me one, too" crowd.

I have a standard reply now - "I'm sorry but I just don't have the time."

Say you have a huge project on and are making a quilt you can’t do any more alterations this year. Sorry x

Next time they ask, pass them the number of a local tailoring service.

I'd find the name of a local seamstress and say, "Sorry, I can't do it - try this person." If they keep haranguing you then they really are not your friends.

You can say it nicely and factually, a simple "I'm sorry, I have a few of my own sewing projects on the go so I can't take on another project right now. Have you tried XYZ in town?"

How cheeky. I had a neighbour (and now ex-friend) who wanted me to do this sort of thing. I think they don't understand how much time it takes. And actually you might not want to!!

I recently read that if you give a reason why you can't then if the person is a CF, they will counter that with a reason that you can. Just say "I'm sorry, I can't do that any more, but X is a great local seamstress or Y cafe has a repair shop once a month!". I don't think that's rude and it offers a solution to make it sound extra helpful and friendly. Critically, it doesn't give a reason, so they can't try to reason you out of your boundary

Tell them you've carpal tunnel syndrome from seeing and have been advised by doc not to do it anymore ..

Tell them you think you might be getting a bit of arthritis in your fingers so you are cutting right back on sewing.

This is a far better solution than inventing random imaginary injuries and conditions as excuses.

My mind is still blown by more than one person on the other current thread by a poster who has been asked to use her own personal credit card to pay for goods ordered for a community shop saying 'Tell them your husband says no'!!!!!????

Just tell them straight but nicely:

Really sorry, I am taking a break from sewing for others now. I get so many requests . At first I was happy to do them but now it's too much. I hope you understand.

Then find a name of seamstress and give them that.

If they see the prices charged by professionals to make the changes I would hope they would be thoroughly ashamed of their cheekiness!!

They are not your friends.
Professional alteration services are expensive (I used one recently!) and so don’t buy something which doesn’t fit if you aren’t prepared to pay to get it altered.
The absolute CF of some people never ceases to amaze me.

The trouble is that people who don’t sew have no idea. ‘Could you just …’ - even just turning up trousers is still quite a bit of work. Polite but firm, otherwise they’ll go on doing it!

or you could offer to teach them 😀

I think either the next time they ask (or preempt it if possible), I’d say in a friendly way with a smile “oh, I’ve taken on a massive sewing project for Christmas presents/special baby blanket/huge beautiful quilt so ALL my sewing time will be going to that I’m afraid and I don’t have time for extra jobs!”. I think they’re actually being really cheeky. Sewing maybe your hobby but it’s not like anyone is going “oh please let me turn up hems as I just enjoy it so much!”. The hobby is in the completion of an exciting/beautiful/creative project not doing the basic activity.

This really winds me up. I make my own clothes for pleasure. Repairing or altering other people’s clothes is not a pleasure. Nobody would ask someone else to fix things around their house or do their housework for nothing. Why do people think they can ask people to sew for them? Again OP if you can’t tell your friends bluntly then I think you have to say that you have had too many repairs and are looking forward to doing some long term project for yourself. If anyone asks you to sew for a friend relation of theirs just tell them that you have had to turn down your own friends and relations so will not be doing it. If someone gives you something to sew for them then don’t agree to have it at your house waiting round. It will just be niggling away at you.bAsk them to keep it for a year until you are ready for it or suggest that the dry cleaners probably can do sewing. As for people buying clothes that will need alterations - I have no words. They probably got it cheap. Well it is cheap if someone will work on it for nothing!

Another good suggestion.

This is why I never offer to do ANYthing for ANYone except in an emergency. Been there done that, been bitten, been taken advantage off, had people take the piss, and it happens no more. I have cut a lot of people off from the past, (who were pisstakers, or so-called friends who took advantage,) and my social circle now is very small. 2 adult DC (and their partners) 3 friends who live 25 to 50 minutes drive away who I see 6-8 times a year, and 3 or 4 neighbours who I get on with quite well but don't socialise with or tell anything personal to. CBA with anyone else and have very little to do with work colleagues. (WFH - and never socialise with work colleagues.)

Been treated like shit and used far too often in the past, and now do NOTHING for anyone. No offering to help anyone, (except as I said, in an emergency,) or taking in parcels, or offering to help with gardening or shopping, and certainly no offers of lifts. #sorrynotsorry it works for me. I have learned to say no as I've got older - 45-50+ without feeling bad or guilty, and it is soooo liberating.

Bites me on the arse occasionally when I need a favour - eg, a lift as my car is out of sorts, but something like this has happened 3-4 times in about 14 years. It's worth the occasional nip on the arse to not have to be fucked over by people and be used and shit on. There's no guarantee that these same people would help me in return anyway. (Most people who used me in the past very rarely did!)

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I sew and gave up doing any favours except for my immediate family.
Initially it was ok and then it extended to so called friends asking for last minute alterations because they were too mean to pay someone.
When I say no they were highly offended and said they didn’t know how they would manage!!
Absolute chancers!