I love you but not in love…

[skyisviolet]

Name changed for this. So DH appears to have started the script, this was Last January not long after we moved back in following a renovation and the builders hadn’t actually finished… I cried for days, he told me how unhappy he was, how under appreciated he felt, how we weren’t affectionate enough. He then went on to mounjaro and has lost a load of weight, his fitness and health has improved significantly. We stayed in the same bed, but the frequency of our intimacy has reduced, and reduced… he kept coming back to this conversation. And every time I felt rejected again, it happened on our summer holiday.

I have tried to explain relationships need work, we don’t spend much quality time together, we haven’t had a break away just us for years. We have 2 DC 16 and 14, no local family support, I have sacrificed my career so he can concentrate on his, in addition to working very long hours, travelling most weeks with work, sometimes up to 10 days to 2 weeks away, but usually 1-2 nights a week. on date nights he opts to drive, as he has often been out drinking with colleagues during the week. I don’t get the fun side of him.

this year things have got worse, I have had some counselling, we have managed 2 couples sessions as well. I do practically everything- any cleaning, washing. Life admin, school admin, and have recently got a new job, after a career break. Naturally it doesn’t pay that well. He has moved into the spare room as needs his own space.. I suggest we try a more fun night out but he isn’t interested. We have had a few really good date nights recently but he will go into the spare room after. I am so so hurt - i haven’t spoken to anyone in real life apart from the counsellors - we are in limbo. I have been told to think about what I want but this is 22 years together- 18 married. I have no money other than joint money and we spent loads on our renovations so savings are low. he can’t decide what he wants, I am jn despair as I want to try at least to repair things and work together to make each other happy. He seems to be in some sort of mid life crisis. Help!!

Seems like he has checked out of the relationship but can't face making a solid final decision.

You either continue to live like this or you make the final call.

Put yourself out of this misery. Make the call, and free yourself of this feeling of being 'less than'. You've given it plenty of time. Focus on a plan for after the separation, and for supporting the children.

its so hard to live like this. He has just switched off - I don’t really want to break up

Have you asked yourself why not? It sounds pretty intolerable to live with. Why would you normalize and tolerate feeling so awful?

Hes checked out. Do the same, for your own mental health. Start making plans, look after you.

It is hard @skyisviolet , it's hellish, it's not how you thought your married life would pan out but he has more than likely had his head turned and is keeping you hanging on a miserable thread while he makes his bloody mind up. Don't let him have that power, take that control back and, as PPs have said, start making the decisions that will benefit you and your children's welfare and future.

I would suggest seeing a solicitor as soon as you can so you know where you stand. Knowledge is power.

And be prepared for him to turn nasty. Hopefully he won't but they very often do, even when it's their own choice to end the relationship. So make sure you've got all you need paperwork wise and keep your own stuff private.

Please be very careful what you share with him, knowledge is power for him too and emotional stuff may well be used against you.

I'm sorry you're going through this

I don’t know - I have been really really focused on restarting my career so at least I have my own income - it’s taken ages to get a job, i have then focused on counselling and trying to repair things with him. We don’t fight, or really argue at all. He seems to want different things -
not sure what they are - he doesn’t want to go on holiday with me this summer and that’s broken me. He wants me to go alone with the kids - then him to go away with the kids… we had a short break earlier this year all together and that’s was fun… so the summer holiday thing has thrown me as i thought it would be an opportunity to reconnect.

I will try to find the paperwork but so much is online and I don’t have access.

everyone is suggesting the same thing - thanks for the support… I am just devastated

He wants separate holidays with the kids? Wow, that must really hurt, I’m so sorry. How awful of him to do that to the kids, like they won’t ask and wonder why they can’t go away as a family.

Make plans. Get an idea of how much child maintenance he will
pay you. What is he genuinely adding to yours and your kids lives at the moment? He is not present physically or emotionally nearly all the time?

Do you know if he is alone when he’s working away? I’d say there is a very likely possibility he is seeing someone else.

he is away so much and the kids are used to this, he is a great dad when he is here - but he has checked out of our relationship, but seems to be in some sort of crisis. When he isn’t working he has been managing multiple sports teams and playing sports so there is no time for me at all. This has gone on for a long time and I think given him some sort of burn out. But any suggestion to move away from this is met with a firm no - he loves the sport teams… even though it is killing our relationship as it takes up so much time.

he says there isn’t - but there is opportunity that’s for sure.

It doesn’t really matter whether there’s someone else or not at this point. It’s been ages, you’ve tried counselling and date nights and it’s just not worked. He still wants out. It’s sad, but it’s no way to live. Marriages end, sadly. Walk away with your head up. You can’t fight for/fix things if the other person doesn’t want to as well. 🙁

He isn't interested in saving your marriage. Nor is he having a crisis. He simply doesn't want to be married to you any more. There may be someone else or maybe not, but marriage to you isn't how he sees his future.

He's spineless because he hasn't got the guts to tell you. Doing that would also make him look like the bad guy who ended the marriage. If he carries on behaving in this way, sooner or later you won't be able to stand it, you'll end the marriage and he can blame you and tell everyone else, including your children, that you're the one who wanted a divorce.

Another one to say he’s checked out and not wanting to go on holiday with you tells you that .
consider why you have allowed a situation to develop that means you have no access to the finances and important documents . As an adult you should have equal autonomy in the running of your life. What would happen if he died / disappeared and you couldn’t work out your own life ?
And yes , they can get mean very quickly once it’s officially ended .
Think about how you look after yourself .

I'm really sorry, but there is nothing to save here. He's told you how he feels and repeatedly demonstrated that for him, it's over.

Please stop clinging to a man who no longer loves or wants you, and start focusing on the future for yourself. You can only repair a marriage if both of you want to and he doesn't. He wants to end it.

I guess his affair partner is married or in a relationship and he's sticking around to see if she will leave. It's a horrible way to live OP. Why not take yourself off the table as his plan B? It can't be worse than what you're living with.

He's not in crisis, this isn't burn out. He's moved into the spare room, and wants to go on two seperate family holidays this summer.

He is saying he doesn't know what he wants, but he's showing you quite clearly that he's de prioritised your marriage at best, and is quite happy to keep doing so until you get to the point where you wave the white flag of surrender, or the time is right for him to jump.

I can't know this for sure, but I would be fairly confident in guessing there is someone he's testing the water with in the wings. What will it take for you to say this is not enough for me, I don't want this as a partnership, and make plans for divorce before he grinds down all of the self respect you have left?

It is entirely unacceptable for him to keep you on a string like this - it is manipulative and cruel and the fact that he does not even want to share a holiday with you speaks volumes.

Go to see a solicitor - get the information you need and tell him you know how to proceed. Have a list for him asking about what he plans to pay, where he plans to live, what plans he has for access to the children etc. Don't have any truck with all this. He is just playing with you. If he knows you are not playing his game any more it will either bring him up short and make him realise he has to commit to the relationship or it will force his hand to decide that this is the end.

You need to get back some control - he cannot play this game with you. I think you need to find your anger - it is entirely justified.

Unfortunately, this.

Seperate bedrooms, separate holidays, long hours on sports clubs (plural?) many evenings out drinking with friends, regular long work trips abroad

It sounds like he is already living a completely separate life - the separate holidays with kids in forthcoming summer really underlines that and sounds to me like he is already well into planning his exit. Its a hard and cruel and dishonest way to go about it... but I agree, he's angling to get you to end it so you can be blamed, esp with the kids.

But seriously with someone so absent from almost every area of your life what is the point of him.

Even if you are not ready to call quits yet, you need to protect yourself and find out what your options are because I could be wrong but it sounds like he's already been making plans. Sorry OP

i will start finding some documents at home - our financial advisor has everything documented but I only have access online to things in mine or joint names.

thanks for all the comments - its been so tough

@skyisviolet in these situations I always think what would the poster say to their best friend. I think you’d be telling her that she needs to get her ducks in a row and prepare to leave. He is way ahead of you emotionally and possibly financially, but he won’t realise that you’re reaching the end too so now is the time to make sure you collect everything you need quietly and safely.

I’m sorry to say this is classic affair stuff, he has devalued you to justify to himself what he is doing. This going away separately is usually to show OW that he is serious about separating. Along with other behaviours he is potentially putting a show on for her. He is the lowest form of cheat, the type who watches their primary partner break but prioritises their own ego boosts, craving for validation and dopamine hits.

You still have cards up your sleeve. It’s time to find your inner roar. You and the children deserve better than this… you know that… and that’s exactly what you’d say to your best friend if she came to you!

Thank all - you have given my head a wobble - I have access to most things I need some time (when he is away next week…) to copy things and document things - it’s just his own financials that I don’t have access to - I will see what I can find - I will get my ducks in a row… somehow