Emotionally unintelligent?

[DepressedCow]

Has anyone experienced this with a partner? I would value your advice.

I have a fairly new partner, who I genuinely love.

He is not a bad man, quite the opposite, but I am finding there is not the emotional care with him I would hope for.

Unfortunately whilst being with him I have experienced several life defining events which have been extremely painful. His level of verbal support during these has been minimal. His acts of practical care around thise events have been zero.

For example, a parent (complicated relationship) passed away. His first response was "are you going to the funeral"?

No how are you, no I'm **sorry..nothing. No bunch of flowers, no sympathy card, no quick visit for a supportive hug. Nothing.

He is extremely intelligent, but I am beginning to believe he is emotionally unintelligent. Either that, or he is choosing not to support me. Neither is a good state of being.

He can during these times reach out to me with big paragraphs of text about the minutae of his day, which as you can imagine feels extremely tone deaf when I am essentially drowning in life trauma.

Anyone else dealt with this? I'd love to hear your experiences and thoughts.

My husband is autistic and he is a bit this way. But he tries very hard not to be. I had to literally teach him what to say when I am upset. When my dad died and I was left shouldering all the responsibility for funeral and my mum's care, I burst into tears trying to fill out my own tax return. he got quite cross and asked why I was crying over a stupid tax return, I had to explain it was because my dad had just died. It made me feel so lonely at the time. I love DH but when I am in the presence of someone with real emotional intelligence I feel like a dry sponge plunged into water.

Yes to this. Having been deprived as a child I spent many years looking for what I was deprived of in the wrong places, lead me to some right narcs! Like a dry sponge though you are desperate for it, like licking salt when you are deficient.

You have to have a lot of self control and a lot of self awareness to know what you are dealing with. Also the knowledge to know that you have to grow your circle because your partner simply won’t be capable of meeting all your needs. But still being deprived of a vital ingredient of a healthy relationship does have its toll.

Hmm. I would throw this one back. Life’s too short to be teaching a grown man how he should respond to someone telling him their parent has died, autistic or not.