Emotionally unintelligent?

[DepressedCow]

Has anyone experienced this with a partner? I would value your advice.

I have a fairly new partner, who I genuinely love.

He is not a bad man, quite the opposite, but I am finding there is not the emotional care with him I would hope for.

Unfortunately whilst being with him I have experienced several life defining events which have been extremely painful. His level of verbal support during these has been minimal. His acts of practical care around thise events have been zero.

For example, a parent (complicated relationship) passed away. His first response was "are you going to the funeral"?

No how are you, no I'm **sorry..nothing. No bunch of flowers, no sympathy card, no quick visit for a supportive hug. Nothing.

He is extremely intelligent, but I am beginning to believe he is emotionally unintelligent. Either that, or he is choosing not to support me. Neither is a good state of being.

He can during these times reach out to me with big paragraphs of text about the minutae of his day, which as you can imagine feels extremely tone deaf when I am essentially drowning in life trauma.

Anyone else dealt with this? I'd love to hear your experiences and thoughts.

Yes, wouldn't that be just the thing for MN.

Long paragraphs of text about the minutiae of his day reminds me of exDP who was a narcissistic abuser. Austism is a possibility but far from all of us autistics are like this. If he is autistic, my suspicion would
be that he cares a lot but has no idea how to express it.

My partner sends me paragraphs of text, he can’t use spaces it’s just text of endless words. When he puts up adverts to sell stuff he lists absolutely everything, mountains of text with no bullet points. No one is willing to read it all but he is thorough. He does not think about the other person or whether it would put them off he just telling them truthfully absolutely everything. Sometimes I text how is your day and I regret it…..I get minute by minute what he has done.! None of what he writes would be about how he feels it’s just factually what he has done….I went in, I made tea, I turned the lights on, I went next door………long lists

"I don’t think he feels his own emotions."

There is a term for this - alexithymia. Half of autistic people have alexithymia, but most alexithymic people (80-90%) are not autistic (ie they don't have the social-communication and sensory patterns that define autism).

I'm pretty sure my MIL was alexithymic. She was once angry with me but maintained with 100% conviction that she wasn't angry at all. She wasn't pretending, she really did not think she was angry. But it was blindingly obvious to everyone that she was furious - she had clenched hands and jaw, an icy gimlet glare, she was radiating rage. And while she had made and brought my favourite cake to our family meeting (where we tried to talk things out), it had a giant ragged piece cut out, like she'd attacked the cake savagely with some implement.

She had a long history of not getting things, offending people, saying hurtful things, and then - when challenged - doubling down aggressively and making things even worse. All the kids, including H, suffered from it. We ended up on very low contact and then - at her decision - no contact. I really really tried to connect with her, but it wasn't possible.

Was she autistic? Sounds like the old fashioned Asperger term. It must be hard growing up undiagnosed with no real understanding of what’s happening and why relationships go wrong. I am having trouble with my eldest. She doesn’t have the ability to self reflect so is behaving quite appallingly but has no idea, only sees people reacting and blames them. It’s hard. It’s hard to get across that if you do a and b then you will get c.

Omg have we got the same ex!!

Some people seem to have a greater capacity to receive support than give it! Unfortunately I seem to attract them!

She did have the ability to see the emotions of others, but could not identify her own. So when someone said to her that she was angry - an emotion she saw as negative - she would get very offended. It wasn't possible to discuss things with her because she literally could not see that she was behaving in an angry or passive aggressive way. She simply did not recognise that she was angry or hurt. Instead, she saw the perceptions of her behaviour and demeanour that others had as vile lying attacks on her character. It was impossible to get through to her. It wasn't just me, clearly other family and friends had encountered this on many occasions previously.

I think what she had was different from autism, because she could see that I was hurt, for example.

I think she hadn't learned to see herself - her mother was a single mother in the 1940s who put her in an orphanage but still retained some contact until MIL was 15, at which point her mother took her out, put her to work, and then took her wages until MIL married.

My point is, alexithymia is common in autism but it also presents often without autism.

I think many men raised in patriarchy are alexithymic, but in a converse way - the only permitted emotions for them are anger and lust. Everything else is seen as negative and unacceptable.

It's very hard to deal with people who don't understand emotions, you have my sympathy.

Don't usually say this lightly, but if you're not living together I'd leave. I was married to one of these and it was difficult because he was great in so many other ways.

It’s your decision if you can cope with that. I accept my DP will not give me lots of words of reassurance. He accepts I need that. Our compromise is a hug, squeeze of the shoulder or hand. His is actions. We just had to find it

life is easier with a cheerleader and support. Support is different for each person. If you can’t find something that works for you both, then what’s the point!! If you don’t feel you are getting it, then you will find your cheerleader.

if a friend was you, what would your advice be to them?

No relationship is perfect and there will always be compromise. My H will not hug unless I ask and is terrible with emotions, but he is a good person. Anyone needs help and he will be there to lift, push, carry, drive etc. Is it enough, not always but I don’t think anyone is enough 100% of the time. What I know is when the kids were small he would be on the floor sleeping with them, he knacker himself out, he would do anything. Time is something that bonds people. It may not look like you think but you will feel love if its there, just not in the conventional ways.

Sorry for your parents.
Either you "educate" him in what kind of support you need- not your job but if you want to stay with him and he's genuinly a good but incompetent man then it's either that or leave him.
My DS16 is autistic and can be percieved as selfabsorbed. Especially when he's anxious- then all his energy are battling that. But if his brother is sad he can cry himself abd tell him he will fix it whatever it is. So it's not a lack of empathy it's just that he doesn't take in other people's emotions unless it's obvious ; someone crying. He also doesn't know what the "done" thing is but we're trying to teach him. So if your partner is autistic he will need very clear instructions about what to do and how to show he cares. For most of us it's innate to show compassion but for autistic people it's not- they need to learn it. Doesn't mean the feelings aren't there- nothing to do with selfishness/sociopaths.

You are describing my husband of many years.

It is miserable.

he Laos is very loving in otherwise but lacks emotional intelligence. It's draining and affects me very negatively. Had I only known.

Sounds like my ex. He was audADHD, whenever there was a hump in the road anything difficult or traumatic he would behave in the most bizarre way. I had a routine operation that I needed some help afterwards with, he decided he would build a dog kennel for example, and it consumed him, it genuinely took all his focus and attention, he could see nothing else other than the kennel so I was left to fend for myself.

Things like this happened continuously, I drained myself trying to educate and point out the cues for him to be caring and where his attention was needed. He was the same with his children, pets basically anything that depended on him. He was a very successful professional but point blank ccould not show any emotional unawareness for how his behavior affected others. It actually frightened me in the end how much he appeared to not have any genuine care or empathy for anyone other than himself, he put himself at the centre of everything. He wreaked havoc whenever there was a need for him to be caring and attentive.

Best advice I can give is that you accept fully that people are who they are. Some people just aren't good for you. I'm someone who deeply values EQ and being around someone who is this tone deaf or simply doesn't possess EQ is harmful for me.

I once had a complete breakdown of sorts, over something an ex had done to me. It wasn't anything monumental like cheating or violence but just a prolonged snubbing and jibing and just being downright awful all day and night at a very public event. It was something I was really looking forward to too. I held it together all day for the sake of group harmony but the next day I got in my car to leave the house and I just broke down, I honestly did not know my body held so much water I cried out!

Ex had come to the car to help me with my bags and just stared at me. No word, no affection, nothing. Just looked at me blankly. I tried to get words out about how I was feeling. No response. Tried to ask why? What did I do to deserve to be treated that way, why had it happened? Nothing. In the end I left, drove to a service station and just rested for an hour or so.
Autistic and diagnosed, but also capable of having a decent job, driving, looking after practical things etc. Although the words to pertain to seeing crying as an 'act' were not there, that is probably what was going on.

I won't be doing it again that's for certain! It took me a long time to break free from that relationship and although nothing was fundamentally terrible overall, that actually made it worse.

I'm sorry to giggle about the cake thing there, sounds like me on a PMS day.

I agree wholeheartedly, they aren't self aware. I know when I am in a mood, and will warn dh, "Look I'm not feeling great today, I'm in a mood etc." Dh on the other hand swears, "he is fine", it is so frustrating as it is like getting blood out of a stone.

ADHD? I can be a list person too. I don't have autism though.

He doesn't see you as a person OP. He sees you as an audience.

Ignorant & or emotionally intellegence is a hard thing to tolerate.
Is he older?
Have you told him?

Time to stop and act as he is towards you.
Crisis...or be unavailable.
Leave him on read or unread and start dating again.

I didn’t look at it this way. Some autistic people are self aware. I’m pretty sure I am ASD but I know when I’m being a twat. I have had a tonne of therapy through back in the day, I chose terrible relationships. I agree that you can do nothing with a non self aware person. There will be no repair after conflict. You will have to suck it all up and take the blame. If you can’t self reflect you can’t change.

Op if it’s new and you’re saying you love him but ‘he’s not a bad guy’ … I think you might just be too different for each other. He sounds like the male form of me and my family, we divert and avoid and I’m married to someone similar to me. You’ve sadly had a lot of life’s trials already and you just need more from him but it’s just not who he is I’d guess- people saying you should tell him etc etc, it depends if it becomes you trying to teach him how to react in situations- I don’t think I could deal with dh telling me my reactions or opinions all needed to change

I agree, as adults people are pretty much set and you get what you get. You can waste years trying to change a person but you won’t likely get anywhere and become resentful. That’s what therapy taught me, we have to be able to let people go and not take it personally or a challenge or try and help them or fix them. You shouldn’t try and change someone to fit your needs, you need to find someone who can meet them. I would be annoyed if someone chose me and then tried to change who I was. I’ve been in that relationship before and it was reason I ended up in therapy, we were incompatible, there was nothing wrong with me. You should expect basic humanity though, respect etc from everyone.

How would he cope with hearing you tell him this? Would he be able to take it on board or would he put his ego above your relationship. That would tell you everything.