Emotionally unintelligent?

[DepressedCow]

Has anyone experienced this with a partner? I would value your advice.

I have a fairly new partner, who I genuinely love.

He is not a bad man, quite the opposite, but I am finding there is not the emotional care with him I would hope for.

Unfortunately whilst being with him I have experienced several life defining events which have been extremely painful. His level of verbal support during these has been minimal. His acts of practical care around thise events have been zero.

For example, a parent (complicated relationship) passed away. His first response was "are you going to the funeral"?

No how are you, no I'm **sorry..nothing. No bunch of flowers, no sympathy card, no quick visit for a supportive hug. Nothing.

He is extremely intelligent, but I am beginning to believe he is emotionally unintelligent. Either that, or he is choosing not to support me. Neither is a good state of being.

He can during these times reach out to me with big paragraphs of text about the minutae of his day, which as you can imagine feels extremely tone deaf when I am essentially drowning in life trauma.

Anyone else dealt with this? I'd love to hear your experiences and thoughts.

This is the case for so many men. If it directly impacts them, they have the expectation of support, when it doesn’t they’re nowhere to be seen.
It can be very lonely with someone who is so wrapped up in their own needs they can’t see yours. But refreshing when you leave and remove disappointment from the equation.

I would guess autistic. Being autistic doesn't make you like that, but many autistic people are.

You might find it helpful to research Cassandra Syndrome, which is where the long-term effects of emotional deprivation cause chronic physical and/or mental health conditions in people with an autistic partner. The FB groups for Cassandra Syndrome tend to portray things very negatively. (It's called Cassandra Syndrome because typically when the non-autistic partner tells other people, they aren't believed because the autistic partner seems like a really nice person to others.) Mark Hutten on YouTube has lots of helpful videos about it.

Obviously this varies between individuals. My autistic DH is way more emotionally intelligent than what you're describing, but emotional deprivation has been a big deal for me in our relationship. My autistic teen son, on the other hand, is really good at picking up when I'm upset or struggling and being extra kind to me, even if he shows that in a different way from a NT person.

What I would say though is that ypur partner has shown you what he's like. I would be asking myself whether I was happy living with this level of emotional support on an ongoing basis.

Depends if telling him how you feel would prompt a change in his behaviour. I had similar wit my DP. My DP is not good with words of emotion, expressing his feelings etc. when my mum died suddenly early in our relationship, he couldn’t say words. Conversation went normal. But he did drive me the 5 hrs to be with my family and stay with me, hug me and just silently be by my side. Practically he fixed stuff in my dad’s house.

but few weeks later he expected me to be back to normal. No checking in etc. I grieved a lot. After a few months when I felt back to normal lots of great things were happening at work. I passed my course. No acknowledgment. He had mood swings and was selfish, everything was his way.

We split up and I told him I needed an emotionally intelligent partner. He didn’t know what that meant. But apparently learned. We are back together and he is more thoughtful. Not in so many words but actions.

I didn't get a single hug. Nor an offer to be driven anywhere, or a visit. Nothing like that. Same with what I am going through just now.

Could your son be AuADHD? I find with ADHD you can notice subtle emotions, where as autism you miss them. I say this as somebody with undiagnosed adhd, an autistic husband and an AuADHD dc, poor child!

Out of interest what do you get out of the relationship? It all sounds so bleak, but it can't have always been like that.

It's not bleak in any other way, just in this way only.

That would make you incompatible if I were in your shoes. There’s nothing worse than not feeling supported in a relationship.

So does he offer practical support, if not emotional?

I’ve been with my husband for over 15 years, he’s exactly like this. I’m 100% sure he has autism he can literally see me crying and still think I’m not that upset and that I just needed to cry. I have to explain to him in detail why I’m upset. Then he’s very understanding, loving, will get me flowers, etc. it’s hard to explain to other people. He’s also extremely intelligent, great father, works hard and would do anything for us. I obviously decided to deal with this part of him but at times it’s not been easy and you have to weigh up how much of a deal breaker this is for you.

How new is “fairly new”?

How old are you? The reason I ask is whether you’re of an age where you plan to have children (or have children already?) because I imagine parenting with some one like would be awful

How would you describe ‘loving him’ works when he leaves this quite large need unfulfilled for you?

My money is on this too. Having dated someone who sounds very similar.

Mine is like this, he views crying as an act, he wouldn’t have a clue at the depth behind it. He would get the shopping, sort anything out but doesn’t have the emotional depth or understanding, very flat really. I suspect he thinks I’m weird because I act happy when I’m happy, sad when I’m sad and he is neutral through it all. He thinks he is more “sensible” or “reasonable”, but in reality he is just unresponsive.

Are you happy @Marshmallowkiss ? Because this sounds…. Well a depressing situation.

What happens if his children cry? If he has any?

Not everything is Autism. Most men just seem to lack any awareness in such situations because they're too self absorbed .

Emotional intelligence is something we've only recently discussed more, like additional needs, and even my kids talk about it (one says he has a low EQ, and I try to tell him that even talking about it means he cares, which is what matters). There's lots of charmers with very high EQs who are actually awful people, and far less caring than those like your partner. Some of them are the most caring and supportive partners (and some are, especially ASD if they're under 30). And intelligence is not fixed! Just as a terrible reader/mathematician can improve, so can people with low EQ.

He cuddles his kids or pats on the head but to be fair both the kids are autistic so they on a similar wavelength. PDA thrown in also so none of them want to accept help. Am I happy….i have no time for happy I’m stressed as shit tying to manage the mental load of the kids. His attitude of meh just go forwards with eyes shut is of no use.

That's really interesting you bring that up. He's not diagnosed yet but yes, we do believe he has ADHD. I hadn't really heard of that connection before, but I'm going to look out for it now.

My other autistic teen (not ADHD) finds it a lot harder to express empathy, but he's hypersensitive to my emotional state and does care, even if he's unable to show it. For him, the issue is that the amount of stress that my upset causes him makes him freeze and so need more emotional help from me at a time when he knows I'm needing emotional help myself.

If you are seriously invested in continuing this relationship, talk to him. Find out about his childhood, which may have been toxic. Maybe he might be prepared to read some books and/or get counselling. Otherwise cut your losses.

Are you ND too? Or just husband and kids?

I read this to mean you are most definitely not happy. Nor would I be. With someone who views crying as “an act”

I’m undiagnosed but something definitely isn’t right…if you know what I mean! He doesn’t view it in a bad way, like a narc, he simply has no idea what to make of it. I don’t think he feels his own emotions. Can’t put the act and the reason together.

Perhaps you should get assessed then if you say undiagnosed. It may help you deal with what sounds like an unhappy situation.

Out of interest, is there anyone left in the world who isn't autistic or suffers from ADHD?

I'm getting fed up of seeing that as a reason for poor communication skills, social skills etc.

It's a lazy response full of ignorance.

He's not autistic. He's just not asking the questions you expect him to ask.

Not everyone behaves like your clone.

I'm sorry he's not as sensitive or thoughtful as you would like, and that it makes you feel as you do, but he's not autistic because of your preferences. Maybe everyone suggesting everyone else is autistic is actually autistic themselves.

Good grief.