Dh says I'm responsible for his depression

[threeblowdries]

I had been a sahm to 3 boys for almost for 15 years.
Now that they are older I have got a pt job, joined a gym and started looking after myself.
I have lost a stone, started prioritising sleep for myself and making more of an effort with my appearance.
Dh has taken all this personally.
Instead of seeing it as me prioritising myself he says I'm not there for him.
He has now been prescribed antidepressants and says it's solely because of me.
He works full time but outside of this does not do a lot for himself, because he couldn't be bothered.
Everything he wants to do he wants to do with me, but that isn't always feasible with young children.
I am very happy in my own company so happy to head off for a walk by myself or with a friend but he won't do this.

Can I be responsible for his depression?

Nope nopity nope nope. Where was he all those years you were pouring it all into your family? Not filling your bucket.

No, of course you’re not, but he may be feeling the fear of a whole life that suited him very well changing.

perhaps a little like empty nest?

No you’re not, don’t let him pull you back down.

Of course you're not responsible for his depression. That's awful emotional blackmail. You should be angry with him for trying to manipulate you and make you feel bad about yourself

Does he have other family or friends himself, does he or did he have hobbies or enjoy doing anything. What sort of work does he do, he might feel,isolated and has become too dependent on you, I'd be surprised if the gp didnt discuss this with him. Does he help out with the kids or join in any activities with them.

I think he may have had you right where he wanted you to be so far. Now you are moving on and fledging the nest he so nicely had you in and he's getting very worried that you might just get a life of your own.

Tell him this, put him back in his self inflicted box and leave him to it.

Anti depressants won't solve his issue, that's a cop out, he is not depressed he is worried and envious I reckon.

I'm sure it suited him to have you at home running the show and now he is obviously jealous of you doing things for yourself! Which is ridiculous as I'd hazard a guess you are still doing 99% of the home running too! Good for you and don't be brought down by him! Some men are happier when they have their wives right where they want them.

Uh obviously not! And, he is playing some nasty mind games to be suggesting this. He might need counseling in addition to the anti-depressants.

What a nasty thing for him to even suggest

No, he's trying to bring you down to his level, please don't let him. You're not responsible for his happiness, he has to find that himself.

Leave him. Then he can be properly depressed all by himself and not ruin your life too

I'd say not your responsibility at all- I suspect that in his eyes, whatever you did you would be the problem. My experience has been give too much support and he 'feels pressured to please everyone else all the time and doesn't give enough self care to his own needs', or not enough support means everyone is 'abandoning him and doesn't care about him', there is no in the middle in his eyes, and even when asked 'what do you need from me?' the response is 'I don't know.' (i.e. there's literally nothing I could do at those times that would be the right thing because what he wants is someone to blame and absolve himself of the uncomfortable position of accountability/responsibility.) So assuming that you've both been putting a normal and equal effort into your relationship (bearing in mind you've been in the thick of young kids etc) then don't let him put responsibility for his state of mind on you. Sounds like you're doing a great job of juggling everything...

Sounds more like a sulking man baby than someone with Depression

I don't think you have 3 sons. You have 4.

What a ridiculous and frankly nasty thing to say to a person. He is in charge of his health, nobody else. All you're guilty of is....being a responsible adult.

He's threatened by you taking actions that improve your life. He's insecure and afraid his comfy life with you at home is going to change. And it will. Were you doing all the domestic work and childcare?

His accusation that you've made him depressed sounds like bullshit but maybe he's been low key depressed for some time. Maybe he's depressed about being married with kids and not enjoying that life. You say he works and only wants to do things with you. That could be a form of control. But he's taken action about taking care of his mental health and that's a good thing.

He has to be able to function as an adult without you being there every second. That's Stage 4 clinging and smothering.

If be pretty depressed if I worked hard for 15 years to enable my partner to be a sahp then when the kids get older the partner doesn't actually want to spent any of the now free time with me. They would prefer to go out with their friends, to the gym or sleep.

I'm playing devil's advocate here. Do you have any common interests?

Well he can fuck right off can't he

Don't be an idiot 🙄

They would prefer to go out with their friends, to the gym or sleep.

And she's still got plenty of time left after doing things that are essential parts of a healthy lifestyle. She's exercising, sleeping more, and strengthening social bonds with others. She's starting part time work, good for her financially. He can't expect her to be surgically attached to him 24/7/365 outside of his work. If that's causing his depression, he needs therapy because that's extremely unreasonable.

A healthy partnership would support those goals for both of them.

No. You should pay for 1 or 2 sessions of couples therapy just so that someone who is not you but an objective trained professional can point out the obvious to him: you are not responsible for his depression.

And the sahp parent worked hard so all he (probably) had to do was work 9-5 and that's it. But was he working for her or for his own bloody children?? Think more critically before typing dross like that.

@threeblowdries No you are not responsible for another adult and if he is trying to manipulate you like this I would be questioning whether he was actually taking those antidepressants or just telling you he was. Do you see him taking them?

He sounds insecure and is depressed because he's losing control. What a dick.

Look up zero sum thinking. He’s doing this and it’s toxic.

He’s scared of you levelling up and leaving him. You being a domestic drudge makes him feel safe.

This is a curious and prolific condition where wives are somehow always responsible for their husband's "depression", otherwise known as "sulking man baby syndrome". They usually find shagging another woman cures it, alternatively just making life hell for their families seems to help quite a bit too. In this case he's frightened to death that he'll lose his loyal housekeeper, coupled with his fragile male ego being bruised. Oh dear, what a shame, never mind. Concentrate on enhancing your own life OP, we only get one shot at it.