Found explicit messages on partner's phone and now feeling guilty

[Ann86132]

I went snooping on partners phone (logged in, didn’t have actual access to phone) and found very explicit messages, watched the conversation in real time.

Now I’m feeling guilty, as I’m the one that in effect has put the grenade onto our relationship.

I was aware of some contact before, but chose to turn a blind eye to it, but just couldn’t continue after seeing what I saw.

Now I have such mixed emotions, is this normal!?
I don’t know what I want really from this, I don’t want to tell friends or family, I just need some opinions/advice, just feeling so very sad.

Now I’m feeling guilty, as I’m the one that in effect has put the grenade onto our relationship.

You can't really think you're the one that's done the damage here.

You discovered the grenade, having had suspicions that it was there.

I’m sorry this has happened to you.

How are you feeling? I

You can end a relationship at any time for your own reasons.

Depends on what you mean by explicit, what the messages say and was it your partner who posted them.

op this is the kind of shit that will drive you mad if you try to turn a blind eye. The kind of madness our great grandmothers would have been put in the asylum by their husbands for . But it’s 2026 and you don’t have to put up with this shit. It’s not you cheating so it’s not you putting the grenade in its him .

I know, I just suppose it’s a bag of mixed emotions. I know it’s wrong what he was doing, but I’ve exposed it. And the realisation that now everything changes. Had I kept quiet, this would just be an ordinary Monday! And I know how absolutely batshit crazy that sounds.

Sexting, a woman known to me (not friends, but known). The messages went back and forth for around 20 minutes. What he wants to do to her and her to him etc. sick to my stomach.

Yes, and my advice to anyone would be to run for the hills, but it’s harder to take your own advice isn’t it.

I honestly thought I could just shelve it, but have realised in me doing so am beginning to unravel

Ive only become emotional this morning when I’m sitting and really thinking about it all.

Do you think he would feel guilty if it was him finding these messages on your phone to another man ?

Feeling terrible, emotional and just don’t know what to do and how to behave to be honest.

I’ve been burying my feelings for a little while, so it’s sort of uncomfortable sitting with them

No, he’d kill me.

Can you screen shot them so you have proof and say that someone has messaged you telling you or sent them to you? You’ve done nothing wrong you had suspicions and you caught him out.

Im sure if you would have asked he would have denied anything.

He has no respect for you or your relationship.

Personally OP I’m not with the brigade who will no doubt turn up saying it’s worse that you looked at his phone- if I’m in a marriage or reasonably long term what is meant to be a committed relationship and am sharing finances etc then I want to know what my H/partner is up to as I’m making choices based on it being a committed relationship - is this a long term and live in relationship? Kids? Etc - whatever the situation please secure your own situation first be that job,any shared savings, housing, your stuff etc and once that’s done then tell him to go fuck himself .

When did you discover the messages?

I would definitely confront him as you will stew on the information. Perhaps that was the only time that he has sexted with her? Perhaps he also feels guilty about having done it?

This might be mendable.

It’s hard to face the truth. Pretending things are not happening is the easy option at the time but it catches up with you.

He's your partner, so hopefully not married? Do you live together?
Time to get out? He doesn't respect you. Even if you speak to him over this woman, there may well be another and another down the line.

I promise that while the pain and the hurt and the sadness is overwhelming at the moment, getting rid of someone who treats you this way, makes you feel worried, wrong-footed and unhappy is the right thing to consider. In time a weight will lift and you'll feel like you again and happier to boot.

I agree with this. Maybe guilt is easier to process than the reality of what you have found.

Sounds like denial to me. I understand the logic that the thing that has disrupted your life is you looking at the phone and now knowing things.

I think you know really that the thing causing the damage was him and his actions.

You’ve a lot to think over OP. The biggest issue here is the trust factor. He’s sneaking around, having his cake and eating it! He’s a scuzz-ball!

if you decide to leave please make sure you think about your safety. Wondering if he’d cut up rough when he realises he’s been found out.

Time to get your ducks in a row, figure out what you want for yourself, you know you deserve better than this. Are you in a position to be able to move on or kick him out?
I think when he’s betrayed your trust like this, I don’t think you can ever get the trust back sadly.

I am struggling to believe what I am reading. @Ann86132 . You cannot minimise the betrayal you witnessed on your partner's phone. Turn a blind eye? Where will that road lead you? What will happen 5, 10, 15 years down the line? being happily cheated on, wasting your relationship with someone who does not respect you or your relationship? People who are willing to see past such things in order to conserve a relationship, need to find some self-respect. It is better to be on your own than with the wrong person.

You checking the messages, etc - yes, that is a lack of trust. Not note, but in your case, it resulted in uncovering a liar. That trust that you didn't have is otherwise is needed in a healthy, working relationship. So there is no trust, nor respect and fidelity. There is only one logical thing to do - end it.

You’re probably in shock op. You will get angry soon. It’s not your fault it’s his.
You should get your ducks in a row, as they say.
You will be happier without him eventually.

Is this just a phrase meaning he’d be really angry with you, or is he someone you think is capable of actually harming you?

To some extent the kind of man he is to make you say that says a lot about him. He's probably going to kick off massively which makes you want to say nothing and not upset the apple cart.
However you can't go on living like that and now knowing what you know! Get your ducks in a row as they say and start planning your exit strategy.
You won't be able to look at him in the same way after discovering this.

I have no idea why you're feeling guilty - you obviously had your suspicions and you were right. Have you confronted him over these messages? Have you ended the relationship?

Have you really been conditioned to believe that by finding the messages that you are the one who is wrong?

Hey OP .
look I know from experience when you’re in the situation it’s a lot easier said than done to tell him to Fuck off & walk .
TRUST ME when I say we’re a lot stronger than we think we are .
You need to get rid .
Jesus Christ we can do better than some prick messaging some other woman telling her how much he wants to fuck her .
Seriously we can 🤷🏻‍♀️.
He’s not the man you want , if you think about it , really think about it .
What in the fuck do you want him for ??
You can’t trust him .
Look how he has you feeling now , this isn’t how it’s supposed to be at all .
Do not settle for his untrustworthy ass .
You deserve to meet the right guy , you will too in time .
Please leave him .
This time next year you won’t know yourself .
Every woman on here is rooting for you.
You can do this ❤️