Feel very let down by my daughter

[OliveToboogie]

My ex partner and I were together 10 years. We split last June 2025. The split was not pleasant he became verbally very abusive and called me some horrendous names ( Fucking Cxxx) being one of his nicer comments about me. My daughter and son got on well with my ex and I never told them about the Verbal abuse. He also refused to give me
my property back so I was out of pocket for quite a sum of money. I contacted Women’s Aid and they helped me see his behaviour was appalling and I deserved so much better.

My daughter got engaged and had a party last night. To my horror she had invited my ex her excuse was “ as I have know. Him since I was 17”. He actually had the audacity to come to the party and sat with my family. I know my daughter can invite who she likes to her party but it was so so difficult seeing him sitting there knowing how horrifically abusive he has been. Feel really angry today and let down by my daughter which is probably unfair o my part and still trying to process it all. Not sure what I am liooking for here just a place to vent I suppose . Thank You

Just to be clear - what does your daughter know about his behaviour?

You didn't tell your daughter about the abuse but you are disappointed in her for inviting your ex to a party.

As far As your daughter knows you split. No abuse.

So how could she possibly take his treatment of you into account?

What about your family who he sat with, do they know what he did?

But she didn’t know?

He shouldn’t have come - what a terrible person - but you knew that anyway.

Tell her. Otherwise he’ll be at the wedding.

My daughter and son got on well with my ex and I never told them about the Verbal abuse.

It is very unfair of you to feel let down by your DD, or to feel angry at her. If you never told them about the abuse you can hardly expect them to take sides. It sounds like she has remained neutral towards someone who was in her life for 10 years.

She knew he had stolen my property

What do you mean by “stolen your property”? What did he steal?
I understand you do not want him there (I have an abusive ex, I’d rather shit in my hands and clap then set eyes on him ever again) but if she doesn’t know what a turd he is, she’s going to invite him. If she’s got engaged, she must be of an age where you can tell her?

Yes they knew about his verbal abuse and the theft of my property worth about £4000

I think even if she did know to some degree about his behaviour, people do have, and are entitled to have, their own relationships with people. And like she says she has known him for a long time, he is clearly significant to her and she values him

I have every sympathy, Im not sure this is resolvable as you'll feel betrayed but you're not really entitled to feel betrayed. What you cant have, is these feelings coming between you and your daughter, the relationship is too important for that, so you'll need to move past this somehow

How did he steal a property from you in any case?

I thought you meant a house, you mean belongings.

I had stuff at his house electric bike, Lap top, some of my jewellery

Well, if she’s knows he was verbally abusive and a thief to boot, I’ve no idea why she would invite him? Has he been perhaps been spinning her a different tale?

Yes my belongings sorry for not being clear.

Quite possibly he can be charming when he wants to be.

I wouldn’t have been impressed either.

I would bite my tongue for now and not upset her, but when the time comes before sending out wedding invites, make sure she is FULLY aware of what he did to you, and that you would be very uncomfortable if he was at the wedding.

So your daughter didn’t mention this to you beforehand? Are you not close?

Utterly disagree. Op is of course entitled to feel betrayed if her own daughter is continuing a relationship with someone who treated her so poorly and her daughter is well aware of all of it. I would feel betrayed too. Would the daughter be happy for her mother to continue in a relationship with a son in law who had abused her? I think not, no matter how long she might have known him.

She mentioned it but i I never for one minute expected him to show his face and I didn’t want to cause a problem so close to her engagement

Don’t lose your daughter because of him. Park your anger and explain to her calmly. She probably felt she was doing the right thing.

So you knew already she’d invited him

You have had a very tumultuous relationship over the years with your daughter I’m guessing?

Thank you for all the comments I really appreciate them. I should have told her the Full extent of his abuse but I was embarrassed I had put up with it .

Calling someone a cunt isn't a good enough reason to be banished from parties with people you've known for a decade.

As for your stuff, that's between you and him and nothing to do with your daughter. You should apologise to her for ruining such a happy time by trying to upset her.

Yes we were estranged for two years and she went no contact .

I didn’t mention a word to her about it and I ruined nothing .