My partner is unable to fully engage with me on life matters

[ffspls]

My partner is unable to have deep conversations with me whether it is about my life, past or present, or about my hopes and dreams, or about our vision, ambition or hopes and plans for our family to be socioeconically stronger. He would typically just go quiet like shutting down or would change the subject to something uninmmportant or unintelligent or would tell jokes to deflect or undermine the importance of the subject.
Does anyone experience this and how do you manage it?

Would it help to put simple statements to him that need yes/no answers or specifics - like a date (for a holiday) or an area (to buy a house in)? If he didn't want to answer would you be able to say 'Well, I like the High Street so I'll start looking at houses there if you don't have a preference'. Perhaps he's someone who likes stuff more straightforward? I have no experience of autism so I'm not going there.

Avoidant pointless idiot that drains people of energy. I have seen it too. How this happens is a complete mystery to me.

I doubt OP wants to enter the world of billionaires, she probably aspires to have a better life for her family. The class system is very real and impacts everyone in this country. There are so many studies, books etc written about it - if you think it’s a thing of the past, you are ignorant.

Backwards. Utterly backwards.

He sounds utterly lazy and controlling to boot. I could not live with someone who expects me to do all the thinking, organising and planning and then expects to have a veto at the end of it. F**K THAT

If he is autistic, it would explain some of his behaviours. If he is not prepared to engage, be tested and work through how this impacts your relationship and how he needs to accommodate then again, he'd be a single man.

In the meantime, assuming you have a job and an income I'd crack on with finding a home. He can choose to actively engage now or suck up your decision; or you are looking for a home for you and your child.

Talking about how he should dress to impress the neighbours and where to go on holiday are not really serious conversations.

She’s not asking to discuss with him which dark matter theory is most likely or how to solve the middle-East crisis.

I just think there are conversations which matter in the day to day living and enjoying of life, and some which really don't - If DH sat me down and said we really need to think about our socioeconomic status I'd tell him to bugger off. I am quite happy with life as it is thankyou very much, thankfully so is he, and we are both on the same page about most things.

We go on holiday May most years, i tend to research and choose the hotel and just let him know whats booked and the dates.

how to look for schools for our LO this is a conversation that needs to be had yes.
hope and dream for LO in what way? We will briefly chat while getting ready on a morning, 'oh I hope DS likes his trip today' or 'i wonder what he will be when he grows up' type things.
how we should present ourselves and our LO so they are not stereotyped or othered Literally never had a conversation about this at all.
how to coordinate to look for a new home as our landlord has served us notice this is another one I agree is necessary
whether we could come up with some income generating ideas that will make us more passionate about work as he hates the 9-5 life is this again not just a musing, a passing conversation rather than a serious discussion that needs to be scheduled?
what kinds of friends we are keeping and what this means for our family again not something we've ever discussed unless I can see someone seriously has upset DH or dome something we don't agree with

It’s serious in that she’s wanting a genuine conversation, not a jokey response. Surely you can imagine how frustrating it’d be if you couldn’t have a normal conversation about where to go on holiday?

If she wants to discuss whether it’s appropriate for them to wear hoodies to a certain restaurant, she should be able to do that too.

Her partner’s response may be that he doesn’t care what they think, he wants to wear a hoody anyway as he’s more comfortable like that - that’s perfectly fine, the point is they should be a le to discuss it normally. He sounds like a sulky teenager.

OP is saying that her partner can’t engage in any of these conversations. He either ignores her or does banter.

You’ve explained that for you, these are passing conversations withyour DH or he’s on the same page as you, other than the ones you’ve never had as they aren’t relevant to you. What is OP supposed to take from this?

@InWithPeaceOutWithStress the OP explains that he won’t sit down and have these necessary serious conversations, I’m asking why they need to be such life events and showing examples of how they can still be discussed but in a not so formal manner, drawing upon examples and experience. 👍

You’ve misunderstood the OP then. She can’t have these conversations in an informal way. Thats the whole issue.

And she sounds like Hyacinth Bucket.

I haven’t read the whole thread OP, but you seem to be getting a hard time, very unfairly.

If I were you I’d read up on how to handle someone with autism and demand avoidance. I don’t think him being less intelligent is the main issue. Having to find “the right time” to discuss something as banal as holiday dates rings true as an ASD trait. My whole family are like this and you have to warn them e.g. “Is there a night this week when you’ve got a few minutes free to compare our calendars?” Then let them choose the night so they feel in control. Then warn them on the day, “Remember you said tonight’s the best night to compare our calendars”.

Anything you can handle without his input then I would just get it done on your own. Speaking from many years of experience. You might be able to improve things slightly by changing your approach, but ultimately you’ll never have a partner who has the ability to work on things together the way you want. Trust me when I say you need to accept that or leave. You’ll have years of frustration ahead of you if you try to get him to change.

This might be right. It also might be the opposite, that he's too smart to want to engage with her ideas. How could we know from the information we have?

Your final sentence is the key issue here - if he wasn’t interested and let you make all the decisions, that would be manageable, if frustrating. But that fact that he refuses to discuss anything/ have and input yet expects to make the final decision must be infuriating!

You also mentioned that you are from another country, so I wonder if there is some racism involved in the attitudes of your ‘new’ parent friends and if this influences your feelings about appropriate clothing/ fitting in?

Hmmm I think this is incompatibility rather than either of you being wrong. You sound a bit like a continuous improvement manual and he sounds a bit of a passenger. I would be prioritise the essential stuff - new home, passport, schools (and you may need to take the lead on these) and ignore all the other weird intense stuff that I fear may be making him switch off and zone out - thereby ignoring stuff that really is important. I would not have the headspace for things like “our boundaries and values as a family” and tbh it would bring out the worst in me. I’m not at all saying I’d be right to think that btw, but it is possible his reaction is the same.

My ex is like this, our 13 year old son is more emotionally intelligent. Imo it's not something that can be worked on.

This is reassuring as I worry for my LO's future. My partner cannot wake up for work at a decent hour and cannot stay on top of his work or deadlines. He is always avoiding doing his tasks until they are chasing him and he has run out of excuses and extensions to his work deadlines. It puts me on edge as he is anxious about work and I become worried about him. When the storm blows over and I try to talk to him about how his avoidance and last minute approach is clearly crippling him and impacting us, he just turns it into a joke. I ask him if he will be able to help LO understand why meeting commitments such as doing homework is important if he himself can't take these seriously - again, he just jokes and deflects.

I'm amazed that they continue to promote him at work tbh.

Thank you. This is very much part of my frustration. I spent months planning a holiday to a particular city. I book hotel and flights. He perks up at last minute and asked me to cancel the hotel as it is cheap and of low standard. I spend a lot of time booking home viewings of homes that I think are ok and within my budget, he vetoes the homes as of lower quality than where we currently live and he says he can't live on a rough road. And then I get upset that he could have just told me months ago what is important to him in a house e.g., avoid roads that are busy or blan bla bla bla. So, all my time and effort go waste.

And yes, I think racism is at play in how our 'new friends' exclude us but my partner is either in denial or too much of a light thinker to see the wood from the trees. They call our LO 'coloured'. When I try to have conversations with my partner about why he needs to put his foot down and stop it as these can affect our son growing up, he can't have a discussion it as he says he has no social awareness. One of his bestriends said he doesn't know what EDI meant. His family questions our LO citizenship despite my partner being a full English man and all these microaggressions go over his head.
So, yes when he puts active effort into trying to look a certain way, I politely point out to him that he is dressing in a way that feeds into stereotyping us, mostly in a joking way. But sometimes he comes home upset by how we have been treated outside and then I switch from joking to having a serious conversation about reading the room you are going to and dressing appropriately - why wear joggers and flip flops to a formal work meeting and sag your pants too and then come home moaning about why no one even listened to what he had to say and how he thought that his presence didn't matter???

I've now realised Mumsnet is the wrong place to ask for some advice. I should speak to people with shared experiences.

You are living with 2 children.
What are you getting out of this relationship?
It sounds exhausting

I've now realised Mumsnet is the wrong place to ask for some advice. I should speak to people with shared experiences.
I'm sorry you feel like this as most of us a lot of us were trying to be helpful but your recent posts have given a lot more detail which make some of our suggestions way off the mark. I hope you get get some good advice elsewhere 💐

I don't think you are compatible.

You have already tried counselling but it didn't resolve issues (he didn't/couldn't fully engage, sulked afterwards and you found yourself in a circle of sadness).

You refer to him as being simple-minded and are surprised that he receives promotions (is successful) at work.

You want to discuss things and "improve your station" in life.

He wants to be in the moment (though may complain that life isn't panning out as he'd have liked).

Do you feel like you are a team? Do you love him? If so, what is it that you love?

What are your thoughts about separating?

Sorry you have had a hard time on here OP, your OH sounds extremely difficult and frustrating to live with and l understand how exhausting it can be to have to do all the planning and thinking.
It does sound like he is most likely N. D, his continual resistance to every suggestion you make and his wish to either opt out, control or avoid sound typical, along with the inappropriate comments and lack of awareness.
He is unikely to change much l'm afraid and unless you are prepared accept that he can only 'do life' in a way that is very different to you l think you have to realise that you are incompatible. He was no doubt masking at the start of your relationship and although it may help to have a diagnosis so that you can understand him better ultimately this is who is.