My partner is unable to fully engage with me on life matters

[ffspls]

My partner is unable to have deep conversations with me whether it is about my life, past or present, or about my hopes and dreams, or about our vision, ambition or hopes and plans for our family to be socioeconically stronger. He would typically just go quiet like shutting down or would change the subject to something uninmmportant or unintelligent or would tell jokes to deflect or undermine the importance of the subject.
Does anyone experience this and how do you manage it?

Sounds like my ex BF. Couldn’t engage in anything remotely interesting, called everything that involved any kind of thought a ‘conspiracy theory’ and thought engaging conversation was discussing nail colour.

I think it boils down to anxiety in a lot of cases. They like to live in a small world they don’t have to question as it makes them feel safe.

Sounds like my ex, too. I married to get away from my parents (I was very young) and although the whole relationship was awful, his being stupid was the one thing that I could not say was his fault. People are what they are. How was it that you came to marry someone a lot less bright than you?

My dh would probably say the same about me. The truth is I will be in the middle of something, or just woken up. He will then start mumbling at me in my second language, halfway through whatever thought he has in his head, without even 1. Saying my name to get my attention or 2. An introductory sentence such as I need to talk to you about X. No regard for my needs. I find it incredibly stressful and I usually shut down.

How do you approach these conversations? Do you schedule it? Eg I'd like to talk to you about schools for DD after dinner.

It took my DH a long time to see that his help wasn't reciprocated by many family members. You are absolutely right on that front. I've started to be very transactional, so I will help everyone once, but not again until they have helped me. It prevents me being taken advantage of.

The people around you sound horribly judgemental. What on earth is he wearing that means he can't get into somewhere for a coffee?

@MegMortimer they're not married.
Not sure what you want us to say OP, no one can make another person change.

I wouldn't be interested in most of what you've listed, but I wouldn't have continued dating someone I was fundamentally incompatible with. It's on a hiding to nothing.

Do you talk like that in real life? (Not snarky, you may have rephrased for this thread to make the general point.) If you do possibly you need to think about your choice of words - I have enough corporate speak at work, I would cry if I had to deal with it at home too, and I wouldn’t take in what you were actually trying to say.

Do you suspect autism?

your list of examples are very different in aim. You list some things that are practical necessities, some day dreaming and then the point about self improvement. Id split and refocus them. ‘We need to discuss the school option in five minutes. Kitchen table.’ Planned and practical.

Does he have nicer clothes? Men are simple. I saw a video a few years ago where a women controlled what tahirt her bf wore every day by putting an inch gap before it in his wardrobe. He went for what was easiest to reach. It was that every day. If you organise his wardrobe he might not even know you are creating a smarter version of him.

although the main issue i would have with him is the massive ick of toddler behaviour in an adult man.

You sound very intense, pretentious and very long winded and over analytical of things that could be very simple. If you strip it all back a bit and get straight to the point with your DH he is more likely to engage.

It sounds like you are quite mismatched, the fact that you've only been together 3 years, aleady have a child together and didn't attempt these conversations before hand suggests you've rushed into this relationship before working out if you are on the same page. I lived with dh for 5 yrs before we married and 2 more before we had kids. We were very much on the same page about life before we embarked on parenthood.

Are you right for one another? Are you regretting your choice? Also, it is possible he feels criticised and less than when you talk at him about needing better friends and improving your finances...are you suggesting he needs to be more ambitious in his work? Or are you talking about your career plans?

You do sound rather intense tbh.

Maybe you are just incompatible?

He sounds totally normal. You sound very intense and OTT.

You don’t sound intense to me OP, those are the normal kinds of things most couples would discuss. But he doesn’t seem to have either the intellectual ability, or perhaps its emotional ability, either way it would drive me mad! I would suggest asking him why he finds these conversations difficult, not in a confrontational way but out of curiosity. Ultimately if things don’t change you will always feel that you are “carrying” him through life.

Some of the things you’ve listed - schools, holidays seem normal etc, but other things seem a bit shallow. Has your dp changed in his dress since you’ve been together, or have your views changed?

What on earth do you mean by 'almost' not being allowed entry to places? And unless you are trying to get into the Ritz or sp very fancy locations indeed, I can't imagine what sort of cafe or nursery would possibly raise an eyebrow at someone wearing a hoodie! My DD's nursery is in a fairly nice area and I see parents collecting their kids in everything from business suits to boob tubes and hot pants to dirty overalls to legging and t-shirt looks that could frankly be pyjamas. No one bats an eyelid.

You sound like you are really obsessed with status and with how to signal this to others through material possessions. Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying things like clothes don't matter at all. There's nothing wrong in my view for example with asking your partner to spruce up a bit for going out to a nice place or choosing to put your DC into a nicer outfit for a special occasion. But I think you've got it wrong if you see these things as hugely life-improving.

If your DP is mistreated by some of his so-called friends, I doubt that is anything to do with his appearance. It is probably more to do with his confidence and his personality. Anyone who lets others exclude them and then happily drops everything to do them babysitting favours is being a bit of a mug (although I don't know what your DP has been through in his life to shape him in this way - often these things are very understandable when you know what someone has been through).

Do you and your DP have the same values and goals in life? Do the same things matter to you? And are you seeking to have genuine conversations with himwhere you care about he has to say, or are you trying to just impose your views on him? Do you time these attempts at conversation well or do you bombard him with these things when he's knackered or busy? Of course a good relationship does need to have space for conversations about personal things, hopes and dreams, but the timing has to be right, and it needs to be a mutual thing where both of your dreams matter.

Your DP not helping with finding a new place to live etc does sound unfair and you're not unreasonable to expect him to engage with that of course. It doesn't seem right for these more practical things to be on you. Doesn't sound great that he isn't interested in details of medical things either! Again though I'm interested in the dynamics that have led to this. Is it that he was never interested in taking any responsibility? (in which case I'm curious about what you ever saw in this man!). Or has he disengaged more recently, in which case I'm curious about whether stress or depression are getting to him, or whether your own style of approaching these issues leaves him just feeling really disempowered?

You sound quite exhausting to be honest. Those are heavy conversations to have about friends and clothes etc! Fair enough wanting him to have some input into holidays and do some life admin but maybe you need to be a bit more laid back too?

This has certainly evolved into something it didn't seem to be initially.

It sounds like you think you're better than he is, or better at pretending, and you want him to tow the line with you so you can climb whatever ladder you're looking to climb.

He deserves better, TBH, and you need to find a partner who is as superficial as you are or you'll both be unhappy.

Sad situation since there is now a child involved! I would have thought a stable, loving, respectful man would mean a lot to someone. Someone who could let you fly while they took a backseat and was there for you when you came off your cloud.

That would be my take in this, but we're not the same, and you have to be honest regarding your feelings. If you are going to stay and punish him for not being you, then that's just not fair.

Wouldn’t do for me tbh deeper conversations are important.

What’s a high brow area? And what are your professional jobs?

I agree you’re not compatible.

I think you want to climb up the social ladder and he's happy where he is and some people can't interact with airy-fairy conversations but react well to direct questions with yes/no answers. I don't believe in all this LTB (particularly when children are in the mix) until you've exhausted all avenues.

I’m getting Hyacinth Bucket vibes.

Well, what attracted you to him to begin with? When did he start to change?

You can't change other people, only yourself, and only you can decide if you want to live like this.

Friends who pour into you? What does that even mean?
Honestly, I'm not averse to deeper conversation but you sound like you're spouting word salad with delusions of profundity.

I find it funny that people are suggesting her partner is likely less intelligent than her. He’s probably rolling his eyes as she keeps using words she doesn’t understand.

Like a Meghan Markle interview!! haha

Jeez you sound intense - no wonder he glazes over- I think most people would

This is exactly what I was going to say.
If you didn't like him wearing hoodies why did you set up home and have a child with him.
Imagine if a man wrote about changing how his gf dressed.
Do you think this partnership will last ?
Sounds doubtful to me. He probably feels got at and would prefer somebody more easy going and accepting.