Would you act as a go-between for contact in this situation?

[thirdpartygobetween]

Would you be ok with a third party go between to facilitate contact ? I’ve been asked by my DB to help out. He stupidly had an affair, got the OW pregnant - then reconciled with SIL.

He wasn’t at the birth and SIL is saying she understands there needs to be visits but that she wants to do the collecting and drop off and DB says it’s better it’s a separate person so he’s asked me but I’m really uneasy. If I don’t help though I’m worried the baby won’t get to grow up having a good relationship with DB.

I know he’s been a total twat but we are all as a family trying to move on from that and put the baby first. OW doesn’t want SIL too involved with the baby but obviously she will be there when DB has contact and OW is saying it needs to start soon she has proposed 4 hours every weekend to start (baby is 4 weeks) but she has also said she doesn’t want SIL playing happy families with her baby.

Sounds like a dumpster fire ready to happen OW has to get used to SIL being involved in their baby's life SIL has to stay in her lane how far are you prepared to go to facilitate this

No. The SIL is being unreasonable.

This intermediary business will upset the child later.
It isn't sustainable.

I would personally suggest more than one person involved in the pick ups and drop offs to keep from being relied on totally also to keep an emotional distance

No, don't insert yourself into this situation. They all need to learn to act like adults and the sooner, the better.

If it's the baby's mum who is requesting a third party to facilitate drop offs then she can arrange it. If it's your brother and his wife then they need some straight talking.

I think yes you should do it for a set time eg two months max. Help everyone out she is postpartum and alone,
both women are naive if they think they can control him. Your brother can easily do a Kyle walker and knock her up again and of course the mistress should want the step mum of her child being nice and attentive, what’s the alternative, being cold?
but in the meantime I think your brother should do contact in the community eg at a local children’s centre or baby group

Ps your brother is a moron if the mistress is really willing to do the collecting and drop off surely that’s great and easy for him! In that case he should take her up and you should say no. But maybe be there to open front door etc if needed. Why would a new mum hand her baby over to a stranger though.

ps of COURSE he wouldn’t be at the birth op what a strange comment, I assume you don’t have kids? It’s such a medically vulnerable time for a women , the most imaginable, she needs someone who loves and supports her there not someone who is just a spectator

Maybe your brother should go to the other woman’s house for 4 hours every other weekend and then your SIL won’t be “playing happy families”
OW can’t control what happens at DB’s house!
how on earth is this ever going to work really?

If I were the OW I wouldn't let the baby go their house. It's a totally unrealistic situation and potentially harmful for the child. Whether your SIL acknowledges it or not, the child will be a constant reminder to her of his infidelity. She may become resentful of the child and their relationship. And the problem is you won't know if this will be the case until its in full swing. Why would that be a healthy environment for the child?

Better for the child to be raised by it's mother and for your brother to establish contact when they are a little bit older.

Your SIL is trying to re-mark her territory after her husband's betrayal and it's not going to end well.

Stay well out of it. You could end up actually making things worse for the child.

So you have nothing to do every weekend, is that right? I'm starting to get a picture of your brother and his expectations of women doing things for his convenience. Let him and his affair partner sort this out without getting more family members to clean up their mess.

Don’t get involved. Your brother, his wife and his child’s mother have to sort this out themselves. The child’s welfare should be at the centre of this.

The child is 4 weeks old. He wants you to bring the baby to his house and hand her over, then hang around for 4 hours so you can bring her home. Every weekend for however many months. That's just nuts.

From what I can gather the majority of the conditions for them to stay together revolved around SIL making sure he never sees OW. She had begged him to be at the birth, he told us he wanted to but if he did then SIL said it would be over. OW seems ok about contact but she wanted DB to pick up and dip off which SIL refused so now they are trying to arrange a third party. I’m trying to do what I think is in the best interests of the baby but like some have said 4 weeks is tiny perhaps things need to settle before contact is started and maybe then the 3 of them will be ok to sort it between themselves

I would stay out of this.

OW has the baby. SIL has the husband. Both of them will want him for their own reasons and both will be using the baby to get him, to a lesser or greater extent.

That’s three adults acting like imbeciles, my only sympathy is with your nephew. I would have the boy over at my house, DB visiting. Poor child needs some strife-free stability in his life.

This is not a healthy situation for the poor child to be dragged into.

Your SIL is understandably hurt but it's not about her feelings anymore, it's about the welfare of the child being brought into this mess.

The child is not a doll to play tug of war over. You will be facilitating this madness if you act as a go between.

Your brother needs to start being a decent human being and putting the child's welfare first. His wife cannot insist he has no contact whatsoever with the mother of his child and she is wrong to be so controlling. The child needs parents who can coparent in a healthy grown up way, not like this.

Don't enable this situation. It will cause harm all round.

What a mess.

DB has clearly been an absolute twat. SIL's request/demand that she be the one to pick up and drop off the child is understandable but unrealistic. OW's request/demand that SIL not be "too involved" with the child is also understandable, but also unrealistic.

While I can sympathise with SIL as none of this is the result of her actions, her insistence that DB has little or not contact with OW is simply not going to work long-term if DB wants to have involvement in his child's life. I can see him ending up having to choose between staying with SIL or having regular contact with his child.

If I were in your shoes then I'd probably facilitate the contact in the short term but set a firm time-limit of, say, no more than six months. That should give all parties a chance to go to mediation and sort out a more formal contact schedule.

It's a shitty situation of DB's making and for which everyone else is left trying to work out the least shitty response.

There might be drama and you might be jam in sandwich.

So I’d only do it for now because that works for everyone’s postnatal
feelings, but the parents must sort out a permanent arrangement.

The baby’s too young to be pass the parcel, needs consistency of people, and adults to be civilised. Tell DB this before you agree to do it for a couple of months.

I can’t see this working out.

If SIL won’t let your DB do pick ups/drop offs, he’s going to have to choose between his wife and his new baby.

Has he seen the baby since it was born?

Que SIL getting pregnant here…….

what a ridiculous situation I’d steer clear!

Keep well out of it.

Your DB needs to own and deal with this situation like an adult, not expect all the women to make things happen.

The more you get involved with this messy situation, the more you leave yourself open to greater expectations of effort in the future and the risk of blame if things don't go smoothly.

No, I'm far too busy to commit to that sort of thing every weekend. I wouldn't do it.

Of course SIL is going to be involved, but I can understand she wants limited connection between OW and your brother.

No to another poster's idea that the brother can go to the OW's house for four hours every weekend to play happy families. If my DH did that, he can go and just live there. He's lucky he's getting a second chance at all.

What a mess. Poor baby.

What it sounds like is that SIL is worried he will go back to the OW if he sees her/ bonds over the child with her.

This shows their relationship is on very rocky ground still.

This is a very painful situation for both women - but I think SIL is sadly being very unrealistic. The child exists and your brother - if he is to be a decent dad - or even a part way decent one - needs a relationship with the mother of his child.

I can also feel from the OW's pov that she does not want a gloating wife turning up and taking her baby away - i mean can you imagine/!!? its actually quite a cruel way to treat a woman who has just given birth.

The only realistic answer is that the SIL (maybe you could help talk to her???if you want to get involved) - looks this in the eye and sees this is for life - and that her husband is going to have to see/ speak to this woman.

tbh I'd question the value of contact at all until the baby is older - who is driving that? Why not wait a while, let mum calm down and baby get a bit older - then the brother could start picking it up and taking it out etc.

OW also has to let g o of any control over time that SIL has with the baby.

If they were real grown ups they would have some sort of mediation.