How to mention birthday contribution to DIL without sounding reproachful

[ElectricFairyNow]

WWYD? It was a big birthday for our DIL a few weeks ago. She is a delightful young woman and we get on well. We asked our DS what she'd like for a birthday present, and he suggested a contribution to the activities he'd arranged for the day (all interesting ones), so we happily transferred £100. We've also got her a smaller present, which we'll hand over tomorrow when we'll see them both, as just sending money seems a bit impersonal. The dilemma is this: we heard nothing after sending the money (to our son) and I think it's possible that he just didn't think to tell her that we'd paid for part of the day. I don't want or need thanks, but I would hate to think that our DIL would imagine that we just hadn't bothered about her big birthday. I don't want to say anything to her that could be understood as a reproach, but I really want her to know that we did send her a present! I'm thinking of handing over the small gift and saying something like 'Obviously, the actual present was the contribution to your day, but this is just something to keep'. Or some such thing. What would you do?

I agree with the idea of giving her a small but nice present and saying, ‘Obviously our main gift to you was XYZ, but we wanted you to have something to unwrap too’ 😊
It’s the elegant solution and doesn’t look like fishing.

I think it depends on the relationship, my partner’s parents gave me something for a similar amount which was a voucher for something I really wanted to do and I’m not even officially their DiL. I did send a text as soon as I opened the card and sent a very heartfelt “thank you” text message. It would be unbelievable not to say thank you for any gift!

I continue to be pretty disappointed in the ‘younger generation’s’ inability to say ‘thank you’. My husband recently gave each of his nieces and nephews (we don’t have children) a substantial amount (I’m talking thousands each) and one niece who is in her twenties has never so much as acknowledged it though she was very quick to pass on her bank details. Not so much as a quick text.

You could say something along the lines of here’s your birthday present, it’s just a little thing as I didn’t want to just sent sil money for your activity but not give you something to open when I seen you.

I don’t think this is a younger generation thing, I don’t know a single person, friend, colleague, family member… who wouldn’t say thank you for a gift. I think it’s just a major personality flaw where some people just don’t have manners. Not quite the same thing but there have been many times when I’ve held the doors open for older people, stood back in supermarkets to allow them to come through and I’m met with a blank stare. Some people are just rude!

I'd just say you were not sure if what she'd like so was happy to contribute to her fun day and this is a little momento.

Many thanks for all these suggestions. I'm really grateful that people have taken the trouble to think through this rather tricky situation.

I think OP has to let it go.
She can't ask DiL as then DiL will find it awkward her husband took their money and passed his gift off as solely from him.
Asking her son comes across as over-bearing, doesn't it?
I you don't want or need recognition for having given the money leave it, but remember for future.

I think the suggestion you came up with is perfectly fine.

I don't think so. I'd say "did you tell DW about that mone? I'd hate her to think we didn't send a gift" to my son.

I'm really surprised this feels so awkward to you. Obviously it would be awkward to mentiobbit to your daughter-in-law, but should be pretty easy just to check with your son that he has told her?

It also seems like this has become a present for your son not her. He had organised the activities anyway, was presumably planning to pay for them himself, but now you have chipped in it will cost him a lot less.... Daughter-in-law still gets the same experience she was getting anyway, before your contributed.

It makes OP over-bearing; but I think she knows her DS's character flaws anyway.

Why is it a tricky situation? Why wouldn't you just simply ask your son about it, rather than trying to think of round-about ways to make the point to your DIL?

He's your son, can't you ask him a straight forward question?

‘Happy birthday daughter in law, I know we contributed to your XYZ, but we still wanted to give you a little gift to open too, hope you like it’

easy

Yes I’d say we got you this and I’m sure ds n mn mentioned we paid for x activity.

I’d write something in their card.

I don’t even get a card or text from mine, so I’m equally shocked at the &100 😂😂

I think the wording in your OP is good.

What are you on about?? Of course it’s not ‘overbearing’…do you even know what the word means? And if you do, and you STILL think this is overbearing, then your sensitivities are on overdrive, and you must be a bloody nightmare to live with!

🤦‍♀️

She will probably say thank you when she next sees you. What were you expecting?

I would think she is planning to thank you when she sees you, thats what I would do, rather than a text.

Yes I’d also much prefer to say thank you in person if I knew I would see you soon. But I think you can say something in a relaxed non-accusatory way. What @Boreded suggests is perfect.

There are some great suggestions here. I'm practising my breezy tone. Just in case I've given the wrong impression of DS and DIL, I should say that they are generous and thoughtful people, which is why I'm a bit perplexed by this. But many thanks for taking the trouble to respond.

Absolutely mention it as a passing comment about main present being the activity.

Same here. My nieces and nephews are all in their 20s now. Part of the reason I no longer send them even a card is that I last remember getting a thank you letter when the eldest was 7. The other part is that their parents stopped sending anything to any of us years ago, beyond some cheap token gift when we've all been together for Christmas. I find it very sad but I'm not going to do something that is not reciprocated (apparently I was once told we agreed to it which was news to me) I don't completely blame the 'kids' though